Forget lemonade. Let’s go all out and make lemon meringue pie or even Limoncello from all those crappy narcissistic lemons.
First of all, I want to say this is not generally something most of us (myself included) can do right away. In my own experience, it took a while before what was just sour, mouth puckering juice could be turned into something cool. I spent the first year after leaving the X wishing I could just “turn back time” to avoid meeting him entirely. Honestly, I would have given everything I owned to do so. Sour lemons for sure.
The next stage was reluctant acceptance, and that was probably another year in my healing journey. Instead of ruminating on what would have been had I never swiped right on Tinder, I found myself thinking, oh well, it is what it is, and I am moving on. Maybe we could call this the lemonade stage. Gratitude for being well and truly done with him was sweetening the juice.
And then one day, I found myself thinking that, while the experience was emotionally and financially incredibly expensive, perhaps it was, in its own bizarre way, worth it. I’d learned things that I needed to. I’d seen patterns of my own behavior and beliefs I could address. I’d understood my history, family and other relationships in a way I never had before. This thing had baked and was actually somewhat edible. As I chewed on it, I found more to appreciate. Lemon meringue pie? Maybe.
I’m a number of years out now. I have let the experience ferment, not only within me, but as a coach, teacher, and writer of this blog. I find I am increasingly able to hold the complex paradox of outrage and gratitude. And as my own experience mellows and the flavors mix into a complex paradox of sweet and sour, I am serving it to others, doing my best to sweeten the message with humor, wisdom and vulnerability. I think I am now gratefully in the Limoncello stage of my journey.
What did all this take? Here are a few things that now see key to me.
ONE: Time. In my experience, this process can’t be rushed. My nervous system needed to settle and reset before I could even begin to understand what happened and what it meant.
TWO: Education. I had to learn about the patterns and behaviors of narcissists and their targets. Leaning in to the experts in the field through YouTube videos, articles, podcasts and books was (and still is) a crucial part of my healing.
THREE: Reflection. The experience was so confusing that it all felt like a messy blur at first. I had to patiently untangle the knot of what happened and why I put up with it.
FOUR: Support from others. I needed people to help me think out loud as I made sense of it all. This included both friends and professionals of many kinds.
FIVE: Sharing my experience. I first started working with individuals in a coaching relationship, then creates a training program, and in the past year, have been writing this blog. All along the way, I have learned more about myself the more I connect with others who have experienced similar things. (I do want to mention that this one may not be for everyone. I have been able to be public about my story, but this may not be safe for some. However, being part of a safe group where you can see your own experience reflected in others can be very powerful and healing.)
I wish you all the time and support to find out what your own lemons can turn into. And it’s also ok if they just stay lemons.
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.com
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Photo credit: iStock
