Unfortunately, there’s no road map for those times when a relationship suddenly goes south.
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Navigating relationships that are changing or that you would like to change into something different is incredibly challenging. A few weeks ago I lost a friendship because of missteps taken while trying to transform our relationship into something more.
We met while working on campaigns together. I considered him a colleague and a friend. We shared campaign stories and best practices. I genuinely enjoyed talking to him for the person he was. Until, that is, one of our conversations turned inappropriate and changed the nature of our relationship.
The conversation started with a question: “I think you’re really hot. Was wondering what your cup size is.”
I thought perhaps he was drunk and talking nonsense, so I almost found it funny. When I asked what brought this question to mind, he admitted to looking over pictures on Facebook and thinking they looked huge. Pictures are on Facebook for people to look at, so I can’t fault him for that, but the conversation continued to spiral downwards.
My friend admitted to having been interested in starting something in the past but said that I seemed like I had other things going on. He followed with, “Hmmm, seems like a missed opportunity that we can make up for.”
I should have stopped there, given I had moved out of the country and there was no making up for any missed opportunities. I also had started dating someone, which I made clear.
“Well, you can keep dating someone and turn your webcam on.”
I was taken so aback by the proposition that I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. In the world of young people using the internet that only means one thing. I explained that I do not take my clothes off on the internet. He wanted to know if I would be okay with it as “just not having so many clothes on.” That is where the conversation ended.
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The sad thing about losing this friendship is that I can almost see how my friend got to thinking it was okay to ask me to do sexually explicit things on a webcam. Even though we were friends, and he may have had a legitimate interest in starting something more serious at one point in time, it was not appropriate ask about “fooling around.”
For one thing, the nature of our relationship was never romantic or sexual. We mostly knew each other in a professional setting. I thought my friend enjoyed talking to me because of shared interests and intellect. By suddenly making making the relationship sexual, he made me feel that I was more of a sexual object than a thinking, feeling person. It’s crucial to know the type of relationship you have with someone before trying to push those boundaries. Don’t request to do something intimate until you have a close enough relationship that you know the other person would be comfortable with that request. If you are unsure, you can ask how that person would feel about it.
Asking can be uncomfortable, but if you believe you are close enough to exchange intimate photos or videos, you should be comfortable enough to talk about doing it. That type of exchange is a mutual one, and one that requires a lot of trust. If you’re relationship is not yet at a level where you can openly discuss those kind of exchanges you should think twice before pushing someone to engage in that with you.
Once you are at a level of trust and comfort to have that conversation, all that remains to do is listen. If the person you are talking to declines, respect that person’s wishes. Whether that reason is that the person is not comfortable with it, is talking to someone, or is simply not interested doesn’t matter. The bottom line is that the person does not want to do it, and you need to respect that and end the conversation.
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Navigating relationships, especially ones that are evolving or that you would like to change into something else can be challenging. Different people have many different opinions on how to turn a friendship into something more successfully. As a woman, I recommend simply talking about it. These conversations are more than simply stating what you would like. They also involve listening to the other person. Even if they don’t want to be intimate with you, the vast majority of women will appreciate your openness and ability to communicate.
Photo—Philip Edmondson/Flickr