Your challenge is not to avoid this stage (because it’s here to stay) but to navigate it consciously and ethically.
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On Friday, I had the opportunity to participate in the Men and Masculinities Conference at University of Miami-Ohio. Sociologist, author, and lecturer Dr. Michael Kimmel kicked off the conference with his keynote address focused specifically on his book Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men. While The Good Men Project has featured Dr. Kimmel’s work in the past, the Guyhood section has yet to explore this topic. Why is this important? Because Guyland, and the implications included within, are directly tied to you, our 18-24 readership. *(It’s important to note that Dr. Kimmel’s book focuses on middle class, white, college trajectoried young men, but these implications can be broadened to our wider audience).
Dr. Kimmel points to four societal shifts that have fundamentally changed adolescence and created a brand new stage of development, specifically for young men.
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In the early 1900s, psychologist G. Stanley Hall identified a new stage of development that bridged the gap between childhood and adulthood. That stage, adolescence, seems like old news to us now, but at the time it was instrumental in the way young men and women contextualized their experiences. Since that time, Dr. Kimmel points to four societal shifts that have fundamentally changed adolescence and created a brand new stage of development, specifically for young men. Your challenge is not to avoid this stage (because it’s here to stay) but to, in Dr. Kimmel’s words, “navigate this stage consciously and ethically.”
Shift #1: Life Expectancy
The life expectance of the average young man and woman has increased dramatically within the last century. This allows for more time to explore career and self-analysis before settling down long term with a partner. Whereas before the markers of adulthood were graduation, move out of parents’ home, job, marriage, kids, the expectation does not feel as immediate when a young man expects to live longer and can delay thoughts of marriage and family for several years.
Shift #2: Economics
Changes in the United States and global economy have affected job prospects post high school and college graduation. Young men will not only hold multiple jobs throughout their lifetime, but they will also hold several careers. This uncertainty can be a blessing or a curse. Multiple jobs leads to varied learning and skills acquisition. Alternatively, multiple jobs creates uncertainty and potential financial instability. This may prevent ability to break away from home or settle into a long-term relationship.
Shift #3: Family
The relationship between young men and parents has changed as well. Parental over involvement in the form of protection has become the norm. What were once classified as helicopter parents, hovering over their children, are now referred to as “curling parents.” Yes, as in the sport of curling. These parents are sweeping the path clear for the child so that possibility for failure is minimal. As a result, young men in general have become risk averse and less resilient simply because opportunities are not presented to work on those skills. When young men reach college or working age, though, they exit the protective parental bubble and take sometimes dangerous measures to prove masculinity.
Shift #4: Women
Many shifts in women’s lives affect this new developmental stage for young men. First, gender is visible and part of the conversation. This means that once assumed roles are no longer assumed. Gender visibility allows everyone to explore where inequalities exist and where blind spots occur. Second, half the labor force is female. This not only influences the job market, but more importantly, it creates necessity for a work/family balance–a choice that may be delayed if women would like to establish themselves in a career before raising a family. Finally, women’s thoughts around sexuality have shifted. Women know they, too, are entitled to sexual pleasure and can feel comfortable wanting sex.
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Instead of focusing on all the id-driven, unethical ways a young man can approach this new developmental stage, let’s focus on several recommendations for how to navigate the stage consciously and ethically.
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So what do these changes mean? They mean that, throughout this new period of development, which could last up to a decade, young men will likely experience a delay in marriage, long-term commitments, and/or family. Young men will compete with women for jobs and will find themselves in a diverse workforce that is no longer male dominant. Young men will feel a deep desire to prove masculinity away from parental control. And finally, young men will encounter young women seeking equity and understanding both in and out of the bedroom.
Instead of focusing on all the id-driven, unethical ways a young man can approach this new developmental stage, let’s focus on several recommendations for how to navigate the stage consciously and ethically.
Recommendation #1: Begin Questioning Your Biases Toward Gender Equality
Developing truly happier young men will only occur when gender equality is primary to the conversation. Want to have better sex? Build deeper relationships rather than experience shallow, episodic acquaintances? These will only occur if we can question our biases. Do you believe, as a man, you are inherently entitled to a specific job, sexual favor, or way of acting? Do you believe certain feelings are masculine while others are feminine? Do you believe exhibiting dangerous behaviors or degrading another man’s sexuality is the only way to affirm your own. These are not easy questions, but performing self-exploration and seeking feedback from others is the first step to conscious navigation.
Recommendation #2: Ask Yourself “How Will I Balance Work, Family, and Friendships?”
Through his travels and conversations, Dr. Kimmel has heard time and again that young men are drifting. They have not yet considered what they will do to balance work, family, and friendships beyond what they experienced in their own youth. Consider now what you believe will be ideal for you while also considering what type of partner you must find to ensure that balance is equitable with their desires.
Recommendation #3: Expose Yourself to Multiple Masculinities
You didn’t misread. Masculinities is plural. While you may have your inherent masculinity definition, it is often not what others may envision as masculinity. If you gravitate toward what you believe is the generic version of masculinity, you miss out on perspectives that will help free the individual you want to be. This means actively seeking experiences you wouldn’t normally seek. Attend campus talks or conferences. Try a gender or women’s studies elective that will broaden your perspective. Speak with peers from different races, cultures, genders, and sexual orientations. You’d be surprised how manhood is not confined to one definition.
Recommendation #4: Speak With Your Parents About Ways to Provide Healthy Challenge
If you do come from a curling parent household, chances are they will keep sweeping unless you ask them not to. Speak with your parents about how they can ease off in certain areas and provide you with healthy challenges to your resilience and risk taking. Discuss how they can walk beside you, not in front of you, as you determine how you will establish a life outside home.
Recommendation #5: Find an Adult Mentor
Friends are one thing, but it’s difficult to navigate challenges ethically and consciously with someone who is going through the same experience. Seek out an adult mentor who will critically challenge your choices while respecting this developmental stage for what it is. When you are swept up in this stage, the lack of structure and perspective encourages reckless behavior. An adult mentor can provide that perspective and question whether the reckless behavior is intended to impress others or is truly helping you move toward your goals.
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We at The Good Men Project not only want to discuss 21st century manhood but also help make happy, fulfilled 21st century manhood a reality. The stage of development you, our Guyhood readers, find yourselves within can create a solid foundation of happiness and fulfillment if navigated consciously and ethically. It’s never easy, but knowing you have millions of readers behind you to assist aren’t bad odds for success.
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Image credit: espinr/flickr (Note: Original image is cropped)