He came back from an alcoholic’s thirty year “climb to the bottom.” But the real courage is in learning to tell the tale so that he can help others.
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As a recovering alcoholic, managing a large contracting company holds many challenging and exciting opportunities, both on the business level and the personal. Having been born and raised in a small, conservative community in Lancaster County, where men were men and secrets were secrets, we grew up learning that real men figure things out and fix what is broken without a lot of chit chat or council.
Through my thirty year climb to the bottom, self reliance and self management proved inadequate if not completely absurd.
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Whether this is what was actually being taught or not is irrelevant at this stage as it is clear this was my perception of the message. Through my thirty year climb to the bottom, self reliance and self management proved inadequate if not completely absurd.
Washing ashore in a twelve step fellowship at age 42, bankrupt (in more ways than one), utterly defeated and out of ideas was by far the most frightening, humiliating and strangely enough, the most empowering moment in my life. It seems I have been afforded the opportunity to wear “a new pair of glasses.”
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Now here’s the hit. One of the principles I live by today states: “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs.”
Does this mean outside the fellowship and into our homes, offices and boardrooms? Today, I certainly believe it does and my experience backs up that belief. What about our brand and the illusion that some perceived “weakness” will make us less than a man? Somewhere else in the literature it states: Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help the alcoholic who still suffers.
Again there is no mention of conditions. In today’s business climate of more, more, more, of “self made” men and “never let them see you cry”, you may think all these lovely principles just don’t hold water. Through my experience I can tell you that they do!
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What started as a perceived position of weakness has evolved into a position of freedom, strength and value.
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In staying vigilant, I’ve learned that one of the greatest freedoms in both business and personal life has come from my ability to honestly allow other men to know me, warts and all, the willingness to ask for help and to reveal myself and my story when it can bring value to others, hope when all seems lost and the ability to share a design for living that really works. What started as a perceived position of weakness has evolved into a position of freedom, strength and value.
One case in point. A few years back we were in the middle of a large residential remodel in a very high end, expensive home. Both the husband and the wife were very high profile lawyers and the job was valued at nearly half a million dollars. That’s quite a lot of money that had been entrusted to me and my ability. As the project manager, I had spent a few hours a day in the home for many months as renovations and work progressed. I had interacted with the homeowners many times and had established a professional, “know, like and trust” relationship with both the husband and wife.
On one particular morning as I came upstairs from the basement, the wife was s looking out the patio windows facing away from me. I began telling her about some small detail involving her exercise room when she turn around with tears in her eyes and said “not now please.” I knew she was very upset and felt a bit awkward in my insensitivity. I also saw my own mother’s pain in that moment.
I’ve learned there is no “cookie cutter” approach to the “when to disclose” or the “what would a real man do” question.
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The next day when I entered the home, she approached me apologizing for the day before and explaining to me that they found out that their 22 year old son had been spending a ton of their money on prescription drugs and how she feared he was an addict. At that moment I knew I could share with her my own story and offer some relief and that there was a solution and a ton of hope.
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It seems to me now that at that moment, I intuitively knew to disclose my past and my present to her with the only motive being to be of service to her and her family. This may not always be the case as I have a commitment and a responsibility to my owner and the company, but this time, I just sort of knew what to do. That’s Grace, and I am very happy that it was received favorably.
I’ve learned there is no “cookie cutter” approach to the “when to disclose” or the “what would a real man do” question. Through much healing, hard work and self discipline, a constant desire to bring value to others, to be of service and by continuing to improve my conscience contact with the God of my understanding, I’ve come to trust more and more, that sometimes still very quiet inner voice.
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Clearing out the wreckage of the past and seeing myself and the world more “right sized” has made knowing when to reveal much more apparent.
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From having thirteen jobs in 2002, not owning a phone (or having anyone to call), being cut off from all family members, a long police record and being beaten into a state of reasonableness to managing a ten million a year contracting company has been an invigorating, frightening, challenging and extremely joyful ride so far. I’m entrusted with huge financial and technical matters, asked my opinion and experience on both business and personal issues.
I have a trusting relationship with the God of my understanding and the Universe and I don’t know a single judge or defense attorney’s name. Clearing out the wreckage of the past and seeing myself and the world more “right sized” has made knowing when to reveal much more apparent. Trusting my “gut” rarely has led me astray and when my motives are pure and the Universe provides, the opportunities seem endless!
The old saying; “Men will be men” still holds true today. Through a self inflicted beating and lots of Grace, I’ve been given the resources to choose what that means to me.
Photo: Flickr/Susanne Nilsson
Wow! Thanks so much for sharing your story, Todd! The courage and wisdom that allows you to “reveal yourself and your story when it can bring value to others” is priceless. Wishing you much success as you grow and share your gifts.
Thank you for your kind words Teresa. My family and my community paid dearly for my lifestyle back then and I am determined to not allow those years to be wasted. Sharing our stories, warts and all, can add value to sufferers and may bring some hope.
Now this is a man! Todd, your story is humbling, inspiring, profound. Taking the time to tell it is humbling, inspiring, profound. You help us all by sharing, whatever our own paths and life situations. Gratitude, love and honor to you.
Good morning and thank you for the kind words Tara. My story is more about circumstance than virtue. I know today that stayed out there as long as I could possibly stand it. My hope is that by sharing this, someone may get some hope. We are all so very valuable and what seems like the end can be a beautiful new beginning so long as we never give up.
What a fantastic article by a terrific human being and a man I’m honored and privileged to be able to call my friend!!
Thank you Bob for your kind words. The power of example you provide for us with the wisdom of the Go-Giver and the way I’ve personally seen you treat others, speak and carry yourself has been nothing short of life changing for me. I’ve watched you very thoughtfully and purposefully choose your words and even your physical movements and facial expressions when speaking to or listening to someone and that is a very real example of…..Love. The people like you that I have been connected with these past few years continue to move me. If I can share one piece… Read more »