New Love: Don’t Scare Them Off!

This weekend I was invited to the wedding of one of my wife’s younger co-workers, they are so young and so in love. When it came time to sign the guest book and write something inspiring I stood there and for the first time realized I had nothing to say to a freshly minted couple.

Don’t screw this up, seems kind of jaded!

I spend a lot of time working with couples who have been together, have fallen short of each others dreams, and who have lost their connection to one another, that after all is why a couple usually see’s a coach. For those couples its like I have spy glasses on, I can see thru the arguments and disconnect, I can see the pain tainting their words and interactions, and I can help them understand the pieces of the puzzle.

But presented with a young couple that was so happy, so in love, and at the beginning of their journey I realized most of what I wanted to say would sound negative.

Happy wife, happy life is a lie!
Don’t go to bed mad should be don’t let arguments become resentments.
Learn to compromise in a way that both of you feel like you have both gained and given up a little.
Its always easy in the beginning, do the work so it doesn’t have to hurt later!
Love who you are today AND never stop growing!

But most of that seems to much for a couple that is still so freshly in love, with that new romance smell wafting up from the two of them.

I suddenly remembered my parents giving me “The Five Love Languages” book for our wedding and thinking “What, this is stupid! We are in love, we don’t need a book about it!”

I spent the rest of the night reminiscing about my wedding night 26+ years ago, looking back on all the things I know now would become problems and how back then I didn’t have the vocabulary or tools to do anything about it other than to love harder and try harder.

I found myself looking back wishing I had the tools I have today, I would have said something different! Hell, I would have proposed differently, I would have behaved differently, and I surely would have been a better partner.

But that was my story, I don’t know them well enough to have educated and inspiring words that didn’t sound like I was telling them it would go to hell and they would have to fight for this thing one day.

So I’m asking you! What words of advice, guidance, inspiration do you share with the newly minted couple that will inspire them to do great things together AND reassure them that whatever they go thru they have the choice to make it thru or not.

The only speech I remember from my wedding night was from the husband of my mother-in-laws besties “may all your dreams become realities”. I used to love that so much, and now feel so jaded to think that this is a nice gesture of words but not a helpful endorsement. He might as well have said “let magic rule your relationship”.

Maybe my role isn’t to be the voice of reason and guidance, maybe I’m just simply there to be reminded of how much I love my own wife and how magical our wedding day was. Maybe weddings are as much for me and my wife to remember why we stood up in front of hundreds of friends and said I do to all that crazy stuff!

What I do know is that the universe works in crazy ways and as much as we are a part of their journey now, they are a part of ours, I just now know I need to up my early relationship game and not just focus on how to bring couples closer once the ruptures start.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***