The contradictory journey of the nice guy between being who he truly is and becoming attractive.
*A If you equate nice with not nice, then screw you! Leave the f**cking English language alone. Yes that’s an example “not nice”. Please learn to use a dictionary; there are other words which describe guys who act nice because they want something, like sycophant, obsequious, toadying, unctuous or even simply slimy. For the purpose of this article the word “nice” refers to its dictionary definition of agreeable, pleasant, entertaining, amusing, delightful and good. For example the people like your friends, your brothers, your fathers and other people of esteem you wouldn’t give a second thought to saying “He’s a nice bloke”.
It must be a challenge being a women, always wondering where the good men are. I bet you are wondering why the guys seem to be treating dating as a numbers game, never really seeming to want to become friends first or invest time in getting to know you. Why the ones who seem to know how to be decisive never seem to care about your opinion or listen to what you want. Maybe you are wondering why the guys today seem so puffed up and mysterious but you have a hard time pinning down who they really are. The nice guys are out there though, they aren’t hiding, the good guys, they changed to become more attractive to you, and they know what you are looking for. They became the confident charming leaders, its OK though because I know you women like a challenge, you just have to change him, get to the nice guy inside.
Confidence is a funny thing. It comes from practice and self-belief. True confidence has to be earned but it can be faked, or in some cases it’s not as deep as it appears. A truly confident guy has had his heart handed back to him many a time, but he practiced, he got better and now he owns his confidence.
Some people have always had success, they have confidence but it hasn’t truly been tested before. Some simply fake it, it’s about as genuine as a Chinese Rolex. Nice guys though, they lead with their heart. They are invested in the girls they approach; they haven’t played the dating game to the point where it becomes a numbers game. They like you, they see potential in you, they want you to see potential in them, so out they trot out heart in hand, stammer in mouth sometimes, and they will be rejected mostly, not always, but mostly. It hurts that rejection, it’s hard for them not to take it personally because it was their heart leading the way, that’s about as personal as it gets. So the nice guys, the good guys, they haven’t had their hearts hardened over time to truly become a successful dater yet, they still invest feelings in the women they approach and so confidence eludes them. But I have seen how much you ladies like the confident ones, don’t worry the nice guys will gain their confidence one day. Are you up to the challenge of melting his heart when he gets there?
Leadership is a funny thing. It is the ability to command and direct those around you. Some lead by example, they have a strength of character that those around want to emulate. Some lead through force of strength and will, the top dog so to speak, and some lead through guile and manipulation. Underlying it all though leadership requires decisions, hard decisions sometimes, decisions which may be contrary to the needs and wants of those who follow. Nice guys though, they lead with their heart. Their heart beats in empathy with the one they adore; they have a genuine wish to make this person happy, comfortable and content. So out they trot heart in hand trying to show they have been listening, understanding and empathetic. It is this very act of empathy which now interferes with their ability to lead. She prefers Chinese food, he prefers Indian, does he accede to her needs and wants or his, a decision must be made and at this point he falters, his heart skips a beat. By necessity a leader must tone down their empathy and make a choice. The nice guy hasn’t worked this out yet and the conflict remains showing him to be indecisive, weak even. So the nice guys, the good guys, they haven’t learned to slow their hearts and turn down their empathy. But I have seen how much you ladies like your leaders, don’t worry the nice guys will learn how to lead one day. Are you up to the challenge of making his heart beat again when he gets there?
Charm is a funny thing. It is the power to delight, attract and fascinate. Some are charming by innate personality alone, the adventurers through life who live and breathe excitement. Some are charming through training and learning while others walk the path of guile and charades. Nice guys though, they lead with their heart. So out they trot heart in hand but the heart is what it is; it’s messy, dripping with feelings and desperately wants to be accepted for the mess that it is. The nice guy has not yet worked out that the heart cannot simply be shown to the one who captured his gaze. A show must be put on. Come look, see this feeling here, watch it disappear, poof, this one here, watch him saw it in half. Always the show continues for even the messiest heart can be made the main attraction. So the nice guys, the good guys, they haven’t learned the act, the showmanship, of turning the ordinary into the extraordinary. But I have seen how much you ladies like your charming men, don’t worry the nice guy will learn charm one day. Are you up to the challenge of finding his real heart when he gets there?
Ladies this is your dilemma. That confident charming leader, the attractive one, yes he is your challenge. He is confident because he hasn’t invested any feelings in you, you are merely an opportunity. He is decisive because he has learnt turn down caring about the wants and needs of others. He is charming because he knows even a freak show can attract a roaring crowd. He is a challenge but I am sure you can undo years of practice, learning and showmanship and find his heart, unravel the nice guy inside.
Did you happen to notice that guy you just passed, yeah the guy holding that soft beating messy heart, I know, not very attractive is he. Creep, who leads with their heart anyway, doesn’t he know any better.
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
Photo: Flickr/Ed Ivanushkin
Also by Luke Davis
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