No Matter What You Do, You Can’t Make an Abuser Change

I get so many of the same type of questions; if I change this about myself, will he treat me better? If he isn’t angered by our child, his job, spending money, my in-laws, will he stop hitting me?

I sometimes have to pause and remember what it was like being in the middle of the abusive shitstorm that was the relationship with that trash human being. I have to take myself back to that place, the place where some part of me could justify looking at that horrible excuse for a man, and even being able to stomach speaking to him.

It doesn’t take long, though, to recall what being financially trapped was like, and the abuse I took because my options were that, or the shelter, which was ultimately prison for me at that time.

I took it and took it, but I can’t tell you how many times I just asked for everything to end. Just let me check out because that was no life. It wasn’t even a shitty excuse for a life. Literally, praying out to God, “please, God, just give me an out. I don’t care what it is, I’ll take it.”

Recalling those times, the times I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up because my problems were so large and painful and consuming, and taking advantage of them was a sorry excuse for a man who beat on me because he knew I had no choice but to take it, helps me to understand why these women are asking me the same question, just 40 different ways.

Look, I say this often, and will continue to do so; you don’t make that sorry fuck act that way. He acts that way because that’s who he is. He is a worthless douche who beats on you because he knows, for whatever reason, you won’t leave. He knows you’re his punching bag.

And up until the moment you walk out of the door and don’t return, he’s going to continue to treat you exactly that way. Because that’s the only purpose that women serve to him. He’s just a sorry-ass piece of trash, and nothing you say or do is going to change him or make him stop beating you.

I can remember going days without speaking to the abusive shitbag I was with, just to try to avoid the fight he would start with me over the tiniest imagined slight. And, of course, he would stand there screaming in my face, calling me horrible names, until he got me to respond so he could hit me. He would have hit me even if I didn’t respond eventually. Because that was his ultimate goal.

If a man is beating on you, it doesn’t matter if you change the way you walk, talk, chew, draw, and wipe after you pee. He’s going to continue to find “reasons” to beat on you. I assure you, it isn’t you. The problem is him.

You have to leave. You cannot continue to take this shit, because not only will it not get better, it’s going to get worse. Much worse.

Ultimately, my abuse culminated in him strangling me, to what he thought was my death. He was the sorriest excuse for a man I’ve ever known, and I’m glad I was able to tell him as much. However, I still hate myself for the shit I tolerated for as long as I did. I wish I could forgive myself for taking it for so long, but that’s something I’ve been unable to do.

Please, learn from my example.

Just leave.

He won’t stop hurting you. He won’t stop disrespecting you. It’s going to get so much worse.

Please, just leave him. Right now, start packing and go. He is not a good man, no matter what you try to tell yourself. He’s a horrible person, and you need to leave him today.

If you need help with an exit plan or information on other resources to leave, 800–799-SAFE. If for whatever reason you can’t contact them, hit the reply to author feature on any of the platforms you see my column. I will help you get it figured out.

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This post was previously published on fenomonally you.

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