No More Mr. Nice Guy

To be nice or to be good? That is the wrong question.

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“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

My younger brother, Andrew, says that I’m brutal. If someone asks me a question, I give the honest answer. If I take issue with something you said or did, I will let you know. If people don’t resonate with me, I don’t hang out with them. Does this mean that I’m brutal or that I’m not a nice person? I can deal with the latter. As far as being brutal, I think trying too hard to be nice can end up being the harsher option in the long run.

Dealing with people who are nice has gotten me nowhere. Nice implies that someone is pleasant under all circumstances. How is that possible in the human condition? Well, it’s not. Nice is about people-pleasing. This is dangerous territory. This implies sacrificing your truth, subjugating your needs to those of others, and being disingenuous. How does that help anyone? It doesn’t. Those pent up feelings have to go somewhere, and it probably won’t be pretty when they finally come out. I would much rather deal with good people who are honest, straightforward, and genuine.

Honest

In my experiences, people often sacrifice honesty when their goal is to be nice. When I ask for feedback, it’s not to stroke my ego. I genuinely want to know what I did well and how I can improve. When people give in to their fear of being honest and having hard conversations, what is that really about? If it’s about fear of hurting my feelings, then I’m offended. How fragile do you think I am? I am a sensitive person and my feelings may be hurt temporarily, but I’ll get over it. After I do, I’ll respect you for telling me a hard truth and I might even be a better person for it. I’m not sure this is why honesty is difficult for the nice though. Is the fear about hurting people’s feelings or about  not being perceived as nice?

Straightforward

Good people don’t just wait until they are confronted with a situation to be honest. They will come to you if they have something important to say, even if it is difficult. I respect this quality. If we’ve been dating for six months (or any length of time for that matter) and you want to bail, don’t start acting weird and wait for me to ask you what’s wrong, just tell me! Do you think so highly of yourself that you think I’ll crumple to the ground and never recover? Or is this really about you not wanting to deal with my reaction? That doesn’t seem very nice to me. Sharing hard truths and feelings allows others to make well-informed decisions. Everyone deserves at least that.

Genuine

Good people are genuine. Nice people can be, well, fake. I’m not suggesting that we act like asshats if we have to be around people we don’t particularly care for. Common decency and compassion go a long way. I’m talking about accepting invitations from people you don’t like and then talking smack about them when they’re not around. I’m talking about giving a false compliment when you really think the opposite of what you just said. How about the common refrain of “Let’s get together!” or “Let’s keep in touch!” when you know you would rather walk barefooted over hot coals? Unfortunately, this type of behavior doesn’t end at high school graduation. I think this is what’s brutal. These empty social niceties are socially accepted white lies that are small cruelties. The people on the receiving end may be counting on you. The least we can do is be genuine with them.

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If you’ve decided that maybe it’s time to start transitioning from nice to good, start by being good to yourself. Don’t waste your valuable life with people you don’t care for at places you don’t want to be doing things you don’t enjoy. That serves nobody. If something is not aligned with your values and does not make you happy,the answer is no.

As the wise Dr. Seuss once said, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

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Photo: Flickr/Helgi Halldórsson