When we feel vulnerable, our reaction tends to fall into one of two camps. Needy or Numbness.
Numbness (where you avoid becoming attached) can come up in relationships when you fear being abandoned. Neediness (aka anxious attachment) can come up if you feel out of control and you try to cling on to the status quo or how you want it to be. Both variations can be confusing and keep trapping you in a cycle of unsatisfying relationships with yourself and others. Hello, crap sex where you (and they) never feel fully satiated.
The underlying cause of numbness is ultimately, the freeze state. This can be elusive to catch because generally, you feel okay. Actually, that’s not true. You trick yourself into feeling safe because you can’t feel anything. But that’s not feeling okay, that’s not feeling at all. Drawing that distinction is critical for stepping in and creating change for yourself.
I’m well-versed in avoidance. I know it can feel like being caught in the shadow of a cloud blocking the sun. Momentarily things go emotionally dark and I used to think my reaction was because there was something wrong with the people around me. As you might have guessed, this played havoc with my dating success.
I was unable to see how the cloud would pass if I simply acknowledged and talked about the fact I was feeling numb. There’s nothing wrong with numbness — it’s a vital survival mechanism — but if it’s incorrectly triggered, you can get caught in a place of acting in the dark aka an unconscious place. Enter, repeating unhelpful behaviours and serial monogamy patterns.
A lot of my clients are trying to be the Nice Guy which distorts their way of expressing themselves when they are dating. Not being able to say how you feel stops connection, so even if you’re feeling nothing, talk about that. Letting them see that you are trying to feel even though, at this point, you can’t is transformational!
The flip side of numbness is feeling everything! Imagine a hosepipe is your body and the water wanting to run through are your emotions. Thanks to the ‘big boys don’t cry’ narrative, we have been conditioned not to feel. This has created a big old kink in our hose. However, the emotional energy has to go somewhere so it starts to come out in odd ways. You might ruminate on thoughts, have trouble sleeping, start questioning your self-worth or push people away. This is not fun and difficult to break free from because it is hard to see the wood for the trees at times.
Then, there’s the Go-large-for-50p-meal-deal-combo version; needy and numb, anxious and avoidant at the same time. This is the human version of being in a car with a foot on the accelerator and brake. The wheels just spin and burn rubber. WTF is that about?! That feeling f- ing sucks. Relationships are the main trigger of that for a lot of people I work with.
I want to take you a bit deeper so you understand some of the nuances of why this might happen. Our Egos and inner critics, learn to trigger life-or-death responses due to what we perceive in childhood as a threat to our survival. Over time, because we aren’t taught (especially boys) how to clear the trapped emotions, our bodies store up more and more every time we suppress how we feel. It’s a cumulative effect that causes pressure from our insides. Eventually, that affects our behaviour and can come out seemingly uncontrollably. This could be things like random anger outbursts, pushing people away, sleepless nights, etc.
You might be sitting there reading this thinking I never get angry. Sorry to break it to you but, if you’re not expressing a range of emotions relatively regularly, you’re likely a ticking timebomb. The good news is, that’s what I can help you with.
For this week:
Remember your PALS — Pay Attention Lens. Observe what is happening in your body as you’re doing stuff. Overwhelm and/or numbness are signals something requires your attention. The first port of call is becoming aware of that, the second is saying how you feel (or don’t feel) out loud, third is making saying how you feel a natural habit.
What can you do to help you embrace more vulnerability? How about the practice below? Or, for six more tools, download my new e-guide on “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic” so you can reduce your anxiety and live the life meant for you.
LMK how you get on and I’m here if you’d like an ear.
As always, thanks for reading,
Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)
PRACTISE: The metaphorical table
WHY: To provide yourself with the gift of actually expressing how you feel because right now, you might be diluting it because you’re trying to protect the other person’s feeling (deep down that’s a fear of abandonment btw — which we all have to some extent).
HOW TO START: Whenever you speak, verbally or via text, imagine there’s a table in front of you. Say how you feel honestly and imagine you’re placing the words onto the table in front of you. Your ONLY responsibility is putting words onto the table. It’s 100% the other person’s responsibility how they choose to pick the words up. Notice how you feel below, during and after speaking or texting.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Radio host and Facilitator. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain self-confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.
His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.
For more tools on expressing your emotions download his free e-guide “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic”
and/or BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
