Can the Internet stop shaming Kristin Cavallari already?
_____
Kristin Cavallari is catching a bit of heat this week for sharing some pretty candid details of her family plans: After giving birth to three children in the last three years, she and her husband (Chicago Bears star Jay Cutler) are seriously considering a vasectomy.
Well, she is at least.
In an interview with Maria Menounos on March 23, the former reality TV star and celeb mom-of-three said it’s a conversation that she’s currently having with Cutler, and it looks like it’s a decision that she’s personally dead-set on.
“My philosophy is, we have to push the babies out,” said Cavallari, during an airing of Menounos’ SiriusXM radio show, Conversations with Maria Menounos. “We are the ones who have to go through everything, so [Jay] can do one little thing and get snipped.”
She added, “I’ve pushed three babies out the old hoo-ha. I’ve done enough.”
Hey, I’m not going to argue with her there. But unfortunately, much of the (male) Internet already has. Just scroll through some of the comments on a few articles covering the story, and you’ll see what I mean.
Some are actually supportive of the whole thing, wondering aloud what the big deal is. “So? It is a hell of a lot easier for a man to get snipped than a woman get tied,” wrote Greg M. on a Fox Sports comment thread. “Plus, our scars are hidden in the wrinkles.”
But others, like this one, found on a CBS Sports op-ed, are something else entirely: “Lorena Bobbit 2.0. Snip-snip in an antiseptic environment or lose your package to a butter knife at home,” wrote user Knox PC. (Uh … come again?)
“If three is enough for her, then she can have her plumbing taken out,” added another user, GritzBlitz. “No need for Jay to get neutered … he might want to start a second family if KC ever moves on with her brood. Just sayin.’”
And then, there were some comments that were downright nasty. “Why would he do such a thing? She looks like a total bitch,” wrote Don-MLB-FL.
In general, these kinds of comments aren’t all that surprising, though. I mean, it is the Internet. But also, when’s the last time you heard a dude talk openly about getting a vasectomy? Considering all the immature crap they’ll get from their bros, the conversation among men is almost non-existent, compared to us mamas who talk non-stop about all things motherhood.
Yet, we’re parents. We’re all adults here. As personal as the decision may be, it shouldn’t be one that’s shamed or ridiculed.
And I know that all too well — my own husband and I went back and forth over the issue after our second child was born in 2010. Knowing that a third child would break the bank for us (and that I suffered through a few painful kidney stones during both of my pregnancies), we ultimately decided we didn’t want to deal with a.) a surprise pregnancy that would definitely kick our asses, and b.) me having to take birth control pills until menopause. And that’s when we laid out our options on the table.
Let’s be real here; there’s nothing wrong with knowing your limitations and making responsible decisions that effect your family’s future. My husband and I know that we can only afford two kids; we know that we only have enough patience for two kids; and to put it bluntly, we know that a third would maybe throw us off the edge.
And then there’s this: Birth control isn’t a woman’s sole responsibility; so why do we keep acting like it is? It’s about time we stop making the issue of vasectomies a taboo matter, and better yet, it’s time we as women encourage our partners to take an active role too when it comes to family planning.
___
This article originally appeared on Babble. For more like this from Babble, try:
@ Erin I don’t know that we disagree too much. I see more a disagreement in extent concerning frequency and how we view propriety and compromise. Men should be involved with family planning that includes the decision to have more or any children as well. He may not always agree that he’s OK with just 3. Family planning may involve compromise and of course it could be a deal breaker for anyone. I wonder though what would happen if it were a deal breaker. I’d suspect that she’d either agree to have some other man’s children or she’d get her… Read more »
Point being if she got divorce she would be doing everything she wasn’t “willing” to do when married. Point being that a vasectomy only prevents him from having children and only prevents her from having children with him. If a woman doesn’t want to have children, the only why to ensure it (to the point that it could be) is to have her tubes tied.
I don’t really understand why Kristin Cavallari is still relevant but I digress. It’s his body, and ultimately it’s his choice. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a discussion that a couple shouldn’t have together. Especially when we see more men taking on bigger roles within the family and expanding those roles to include more responsibility. and involvement. Birth control should not be something that is exclusively put on any one gender. There is nothing wrong in pointing out that a woman goes through a heck of a lot with her own body, to bare children that in this day… Read more »
@ Erin It’s my understanding that it’s reversible with in a certain time frame. It’s a surgical procedure with a recovery time requiring another surgical procedure to reverse. Of course, they could opt to freeze sperm. Still I think the issue men are having with this isn’t the discussion. It’s the we’ll discuss this until you agree with me. That’s not truly a discussion. There are things they could do. They could forgo PIV sex until she reaches menopause. They could use a condom, etc. In fact if she doesn’t want to have any more children, the only way for… Read more »
John – I have no clue how discussions go down for individual couples. You’re making a broad assumption about all conversations about this topic between a couple Obviously the person who has ultimate choice is the person whose body these things may or are actually happening to. Medically, a man having a vacestomy is less invasive the a woman having her tubes tied. You clearly acknowledge the entire surgical aspect because you specifically commented on a man having to have a surgical procedure and recovery time. What do you think happens when women have a surgical procedure? They don’t need… Read more »
@ Erin “I wasn’t aware that it was only reversible within certain time frame. What is that time frame?” Last I heard it was 10 years. It may have changed since I looked at it about 20 years ago. One web site I checked said the sooner the more likelihood of success, which is what the doctor seemed to imply. “I have seen a number of you argue for men’s rights in the whole child baring process.” True, but we’re talking about legal rights. There is a huge difference between that and forcing women to make choices they don’t want… Read more »
John, I posed a question around how many men sincerely talk about birth control (meaning how many men sincerely take a helpful interest in being an informed, caring and considerate partner) or even have an understanding about what women, even their own partners, are doing, and you respond by suggesting women are possibly liars or don’t take birth control correctly. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Most men don’t think about birth control beyond their own experience because they simply don’t bare a brunt of the responsibility. Most men probably don’t know how half the birth control… Read more »
@ Erin “and you respond by suggesting women are possibly liars or don’t take birth control correctly. …Most men probably don’t know how half the birth control methods I listed work without googling it. ” Exactly, but most men expect that if a woman is ALREADY on birth control, she’s already figured all this out. So what exactly is he supposed to do, quiz her about her choice? Tell her how wrong she is. You don’t even think a guy should be concerned about whether she’s taking it correctly. “I will ask you again, how are men showing up in… Read more »
John – great question actually. No, he isn’t suppose to ‘quiz’ her. He’s should take an active interest in what she’s doing. He should simply just talk to her about it. Ask her what methods she uses or has used. Ask her what she likes or doesn’t like. Don’t just ‘expect’ that she is doing something, and assume all the responsibility is on her. That’s a fair request right? Why would he tell her she is wrong or right about birth control? I just want men to be more part of the conversation and think more about the amount of… Read more »
@ Erin
“I missed where you answered my question about how men show up, what men do.”
They do what they can. They use condoms. They sometimes get vasectomies. In addition many men had contributed to the development of birth control for men. Vassagel was a big issue in the MRM and men agitate for reproductive equality under The Affordable Care Act. Currently the ACA specially exempts reproductive services for men under the reproductive services mandate. Why is this just a man’s fight? Well, some MRAs are now suggesting that it’s because women want control.
There are actually very few men who actually get vasectomies even though it’s less invasive then what a woman would have to do. The reality is that women bare the brunt of this responsibility here and make the brunt of the sacrifices right? Many of you complain about the expectations placed on men because of their bodies right? Even though we all know men are more physically strong, many of you guys don’t want men to be put in a position that utilizes their physical strength. All Kristin is saying is, ‘Hey, I’ve had three kids, do you think it… Read more »
Missing the point, Erin. Need to get past that to the reason the vitriol exist. It is that exact type of assumptions, rights and responsibility dynamics, the unequal assumptions about sacrifice and the toll upon one’s mind and body that surround this particular issues (or the lack of male voice on the subject)….which is why the discussion has to continue, why men have to continue to speak up…until people get it. Sexism, oppression, bias are all very stealthy and insidious to the point that one can often times not see it either in social conditioning, or even in themselves, until… Read more »
No DJ – I’m not missing the point. You’re always telling me that. Like I’m ignorant while you’re the person that “gets it”. There is absolutely no reason for ‘vitriol’ to exist. Frustration can exist. Hurt can exist. Wanting more options can exist. These are valid. Talking about these issues should exist. But ‘vitriol’ is completely unnecessary and it helps no one. There is no justification for vitriol. There is no justification for calling anyone a name just because an individual can hide behind their computer and let all their ugly hang out. If men want a voice on the… Read more »
If we are to have an open and honest discussion on this subject, we cannot base such on hyperbole, conjecture and emotional assumption rather than fact and reality. It is that which leads to the previously mentioned hypocrisy that exists today (which does, in fact, have less to do with sterilization then it does the bias and sexism prevalent today toward men, fathers, and male reproductive rights). It is the false assumption (among many) that women always maintained responsibility for birth control when it was, in fact men, through the use of the condom up until 1960, when the pill… Read more »
Are you suggesting I’ve used conjecture, hyperbole and emotional assumptions? Huh? Show me where I did any of that. Women have been using birth control since the dawn of time way before either the condom or the pill came about. Where you aware of that? I am also not suggesting that the pill was bad in some way. I think the pill is great. Thank-god a woman funded and researched it. Thank-god women have options regarding birth control. But the reality is that women infact do bare the brunt of responsibility for birth control because men will not face the… Read more »
Frist just a quick thank-you to the guys responding for not falling into the internet abyss of hate and vitriol, but to utilize an opportunity to calmly and rationally explain the male point of view. After watching the video there is no doubt in my mind that she is a good woman, good wife, good mother…but just a bit clueless. She needs to understand that the contrast is not between a total hysterectomy, and a tuba ligation (which is relatively routine today via the use of orthoscopic surgery). We guys have to understand that she is not to blame for… Read more »
“And then there’s this: Birth control isn’t a woman’s sole responsibility; so why do we keep acting like it is? It’s about time we stop making the issue of vasectomies a taboo matter, and better yet, it’s time we as women encourage our partners to take an active role too when it comes to family planning.” ________________ To the author, This is where the confusion and the controversy come into play. The simple explanation is whether a woman would give up her sole right of choice and share that right along with the responsibility that she insists that men take?… Read more »
See, the issue is not the vasectomy, it is the hypocrisy that has men in a tizzy. It is the inability of so many women to look, to venture outside of the bubble so as to understand the real reason, which is not selfishness on the male’s part, but a violation of our innate sense of justice. if anything, it is a sort of selfishness on the part of women by expecting all of the rights with none of the responsibility (if they insist that the man take that responsibility upon himself. Agreed. There is a starting presumption that if… Read more »
Not that I want to throw any gasoline on this potential fire, but Im reminded of a bit of research that I did about 10 years ago. Though we are inundated with discussion regarding the right of a woman to bodily integrity, even, as I mentioned, legal protection granting that a father have no right to even know if she chooses abortion, Urologist will not perform the procedure of vasectomy without the wife’s permission. They will actually require a permission slip to be signed by their wife. In short, her permission to govern his body. In all fairness, I’ve not… Read more »
Can the Internet stop shaming Kristin Cavallari already?
It will probably happen at the same time the internet stops shaming men for wanting their wives to use birth control. Same problem but the difference is gender.
If this were a husband wanting his wife to get her tubes tied I highly doubt Babble.com would be concerned about that husband being shamed. In fact I bet Babble.com would probably join in on the shaming.
This would come across a lot better if the conversation was less demanding and more a joint decision by the two people involved. I agree with the logic that it is generally less invasive for a guy to get his tubes tied than a woman. So, barring a woman having a C-section and having her tubes tied while they are in there, there is a logical reason for a man to have the surgery in the event that both parties decide that mostly permanent birth control is the way to go. But, playing the “I had three kids” card doesn’t… Read more »
His body his choice
Imagine if this article was written by a man saying its ok to tell your wife to have her tubes tied. The outrage would be apocalyptic. Having her tubes tied is an option as well and note how the author never mentioned this possibility once. What if a guy has a vasectomy the relationship falls apart he finds some else and she wants kids? A friend of mine has learned this lesson the hard way. Ditto for women. In this case the author took responsibility of the woman for family planning and shifted it entirely onto the man. As mentioned… Read more »
“My philosophy is, we have to push the babies out,” said Cavallari, during an airing of Menounos’ SiriusXM radio show, Conversations with Maria Menounos. “We are the ones who have to go through everything, so [Jay] can do one little thing and get snipped.”
She added, “I’ve pushed three babies out the old hoo-ha. I’ve done enough.”
Yet, it seems there is little concern for the multiple injuries he sustained providing for her and the children as he’s still an active player as far as I can tell.
It’s simple.
Women don’t want men to take an active role in family planning. Women want the latitude to control men’s fertility.
Notice how the supposed attempts to get men involved aren’t “what does he think?” but “he should be doing this and that”.
That’s not an invitation. That’s a demand.
I think the big issue and the issue that gets lost is his body his choice. Pressuring a guy to get a vasectomy is not the same thing as discussing family planning for which surprise, surprise, contrary to what some women seem to believe a man has as much right to (and that’s to have children not just not have them) as women. He has an absolute right when it comes to decisions involving his body. Yes, men need to be more involved with family planning, but the includes their wishes and concerns being incorporated into the decision making. If… Read more »