We have the perfect Christmas treat for the fiction section this weekend. What would be the ultimate defense against outside threats? That story has already been written. It’s called Home Alone. Even the President knows you don’t mess with Kevin McCallister. —Matt Salesses, Good Men Project Fiction Editor
Weeks after bullets struck windows on the second floor of the White House, several unnamed White House officials have confirmed that President Obama has appointed fellow Chicagoan, Kevin McCallister, as Special Consultant to the Secret Service’s detail at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The confirmation comes days after McCallister was spotted intently mapping out the grounds in red and blue crayon. Sources are confident that the appointment will present a clear message: to leave terrorists on the doorstep and get the hell out of there.
Though McCallister’s role remains somewhat undefined, based on the recent budget approval of blow torches, loose feathers, tar strips and kerosene-soaked rope, it is anticipated that McCallister will be equipping the residence with a sophisticated defense system to find out whether terrorists are ready to give up, or if they’re thirsty for more.
As past-precedent has shown that socially-adrift outsiders have a peculiarly high degree of loyalty to McCallister, agents falling within the prescribed loner parameters in aptitude tests will be given turtle-dove ornaments and made team leaders. Sweeping reforms are not expected to end there: it has been suggested that by month’s end, all special agents will be equipped with only toothbrushes that have been approved by the American Dental Association. Talkboy recorders will also become standard issue.
Though speculation that President Obama will make a brief appearance in plaid pajamas and a flannel robe on the Truman Balcony to shout, “I’m up here, you big horses asses! Come and get me!” and, “I’m calling the cops!” remains unconfirmed, many within the Obama administration have lauded of the move as a positive means to bolster Obama’s sagging approval ratings. “We need to show the world that we can take a tactical stand on something,” said one. “With the state of our economy, we can’t keep sticking to old standbys like cardboard cutouts of G.W. Bush swaying to ‘Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.'”
Even former Vice President Dick Cheney has been uncharacteristically supportive, remarking that this was precisely the type of bold action that Republicans could get behind. “We’re gonna give ’em to the count of three to get their ugly, floor flushing keesters out of the U.S. of A before we pump their guts full of lead. One, two [Cheney making gunfire noise].” When pressed to clarify his comment’s implication that all terrorist threats are from outside the United States, Cheney shrugged and continued to pretend he was operating a Tommy gun.
Meanwhile, plan execution appears to be already underway. Today, official 2003 White House ornaments will be smashed on the driveway and strategically strewn beneath an open window in the Green Room; the zip line between the Oval Office and swing set on the south grounds will be completed later this week. Enthuses an administration insider, “The guy is a genius. We’re about to unleash the most hilariously effective security strategy ever employed. This alone could win the reelection; Mitt Romney would never have the balls to do something like this.”
McCallister, who last made headlines for taking legal action against his uncle Frank’s slanderous remarks that he is a “nosy little pervert,” could not be reached for comment. Family spokesperson Buzz McCallister, however, stated that he stands by his assessment that his younger brother is a little trout sniffer undeserving of Presidential recognition. Bad blood has existed between the brothers for more than 20 years—Kevin shot his prized Walter Peyton action figure with a bb gun, lost the family tarantula, and woofed dismissively at Buzz’s girlfriend. Despite this, there has been no indication so far that McCallister wishes his family would disappear.