World AIDS Day. Not only remember that it happened. Remember why it happened.
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World AIDS Day is December 1.
Born of the very human need to remember and to mourn, especially in the face of magnificent loss; this day has taken on a new cast in my experience over the past few years. The divisiveness of the Romney-Obama election cleared long-standing dust I’d allowed to remain before my eyes and I’ve allowed myself to see more clearly how deeply ingrained in our country and society is the perception of LGBT citizens as a dismissible second class … even to those with whom I am closest.
…and it makes me angry.
I have come to accept that, in the interest of social lubrication and the maintenance of cherished friendships, I often overlook the fact that those with whom I am closest may not hold me in the same regard as I hold them.
I’ve been actively fighting discrimination for decades; vocal, present, public, outspoken … Yet, I have, in the process, set aside and protected a select group of those close to me; failing to call them to account, failing to articulate and face the difference between word and deed.
How many of us have done the same?
I once was a Republican. I get it…I believe in fiscal responsibility, a strong economy, many things that that party supported in the 70s. So much of that has changed since then, but that’s a conversation for another time.
I further believe that virtually all political issues take a back seat, or should take a back seat in this country, to “… the proposition that all [people] are created Equal.”
All are created Equal. Equal protection under the Law.
Thus, when a candidate openly declares intention to codify discrimination against a class of citizens in this country, I believe that disqualifies him for Office—any Office—especially that of President. Opening this subject with my two longest-standing and closest friends, men with whom I’d grown up, I was beyond disappointed when told by one that he believes that the Republican candidate would be “better for the country.”
Whose country?
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I have come to realize that my childhood friends are blind to their own level of white, male, upper-class Privilege.
To my mind, the “country” that we as a nation are building must first and foremost be freely accessible to all citizens. Making America “better” for only those of Privilege is not, in fact, making the country better. Rather, it seems more to be ensuring the position of those of Privilege at the cost of the Rights and Quality of Life of others.
Big difference. Don’t tell me you “support” me and then vote for my exclusion from the fundamental right to marry the person I love, the person with whom I wish to spend the rest of my life.
“But Kile,” said the other, more than a little condescendingly, “you must understand that there were nineteen other important things on the ballot.”
I do? I must understand what, again …?
There were “nineteen other things more important” than Equality for all citizens? More important than Equal Protection under the Law?
I wonder, would you feel the same were you forbidden from running to the side of your wife after a life-threatening automobile accident, a heart-attack or stroke? Can you even imagine what you might feel if you ran into the hospital and were stopped at the door due to some genetic anomaly that separates you from the rest of the neighborhood? After all, the fact that you are blond and she is brunette, that you have blue eyes and she has brown, that she comes from French heritage and your blood is Nordic … Is it, therefore, logical or realistic that you be arbitrarily barred from her side? Do these disparities threaten either the stability or sanctity of other marriages anywhere? Had you been the subject of such discrimination, would you then simply lump it in with those “nineteen other important things”?
In the same breath, you say, “you know we support you …” What does that even mean? When you so confidently vote to exclude me and those with whom I share this “difference”—when you vote against my Equality—tell me, where exactly is your “support”?
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One person in America had Ebola and the country went nuts. Congress, television, the President … everyone talked Ebola. Kids stayed home from school, the medical establishment scrambled to marshal their resources. Now, weeks after the hysteria has peaked in the media, two people have died of Ebola in America. Two.
Three decades ago, 20,000 people died while virtually no one did a thing. The government did not speak. The President kept silent—until, in his final days as President, Elizabeth Taylor shamed him into acknowledging the epidemic. People died. Many, many, many people died.
In my 30’s, I held and said farewell to scores of friends, colleagues, and the love of my life, as each of them died before me … all while America looked the other way.
Recently, one of my privileged friends acknowledged that “it must have been like a war for you.”
He’s right, and his acknowledgement was moving to me. I appreciate his sympathy and this decades-late effort to appreciate and embrace the magnitude, my friend, but allow me to give it a little sharper point.
These thousands who died…they died on the soil of their own country in a war within their own country against an enemy few were even interested in fighting, in a battle for which no appreciable national resources were directed. How alone might one possibly feel?
What is “support”?
There was no Home Country to which we could return from battle for succor, for support, for sustenance; they were dropping to the ground on all sides of us and we had to pick them up and bury them ourselves.
We grew up fast.
Thus, watching the National Ebola Frenzy just made me angry. Where were all these resources, all this attention, all this concern for Humanity, when actual US citizens were dying right in front of everyone?
Now, as I watch state after state finding the way—or being shown the way—to marriage Equality, I am deeply appreciative of the fact that enough people actually voted in support of keeping the path clear for Equality enlightenment; be it legislated, popular, judicial … whatever it takes. Had the election gone the other way, I doubt this national movement would have had the support or gained the momentum to be granting this legitimacy across the land we are witnessing now, week after week.
But what continues to rankle is the insidious presence, even in those whom I have loved, of an immediate, underlying, unconscious willingness to jettison my Equality in favor of their comfort.
World AIDS Day. A Day of Remembrance. Remembrance of Those Lost; most certainly. Remembrance, too, of those responsible for the loss of so many. Lady Macbeth had less to wash from her hands.
Ladies and Gentlemen of LGBT communities, we are not Secure. We must be ever vigilant, ever vocal, ever clear and articulate to those whom we feel are allies and who may believe that they are allies yet who excuse themselves from actually supporting such an alliance out of deference to a self-interest that includes only those already privileged.
World AIDS Day. Not only remember that it happened. Remember why it happened.
World AIDS Day. A good day to have a conversation with those who tell you they support you, with those who believe they care. Perhaps a good day to help them see how perhaps to activate that Caring.
Love them, certainly, and speak the Truth to them.
Never Forget.
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Also by Kile Ozier: 100 Words on Love: Terry, 1962-1990
Hey, Nun…
Respectfully; that recollection is myopically selective, and is a statement which illustrates the very point of this article. Saying, “The only difference…was gay marriage” (and by that we mean Marriage Equality), is immediately dismissive of the key issue; that issue being Equality. That is hardly an “only” to anyone in the demographic group being minimized. Let’s not conflate “anti-discrimination” with “Equality,” as they are widely disparate things.
When did Romney say gays are second class citizens? He supported anti-discrimination laws 20 years ago. He also opposed the recent AZ law.
The only difference during the campaign was gay marriage, where Romney supported domestic partnerships. Obama opposed gay marriage up until April 2012. They held the same position until then. Even then Obama’s stated position during the campaign was that he felt it was up to the states to decide, which was already happening anyway.