Orin Hahn explains the ways in which cheating sometimes feels so right.
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1. Things are going great, you’ve never felt so loved and understood. Sounds great but somehow deep down after years of seeking finally finding feels like it’s a trick. Better not fall for it.
2. You have sexual needs; they differ from the person you’re partnered with. Having a frank and honest conversation without blame sounds vulnerable and difficult.
3. That friendly voice coming out of that person you don’t really know sounds like it is hinting at something. Something forbidden and mysterious. Great sex is hidden and mysterious; ergo forget any existing promises, sex is calling.
4. I feel like a loser, I had plans. Big Ones. My partner has heard me talk about them and watched me fail. I can’t look them in the face but I so wish I could look at someone because I can’t look at my own reflection either.
5. We fought earlier, I feel really rejected. The next person that makes me feel like I deserve a yes I’ll do anything with.
6. I can’t believe how worldly/beautiful/influential/strong that person is, what is it like to be that person? They find me worth their time and want sex even though I’m involved?
7. My partner cheated on me, maybe the current one, maybe one long ago. Obviously karma owes me a free pass on being the asshole this time.
8. I’m at a stage in the relationship where I’m being asked to be a different person, to grow, to stretch. I don’t wanna, you can’t make me.
9. I’m attracted to someone besides my partner, that’s impossible. There’s only one person in the world that can ever appeal to me, clearly this means my partnership is null and void. I’ll let them know afterwards.
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These are only some of the reasons that I’ve seen come up, both in my own life and in the lives of those around me, to justify cheating. Some have been in my head, some have been told to me. I’ve heard them out of men and women.
When these bits of thoughts are in someone’s head for that moment they make perfect sense. But they make sense in that moment only.
I know that a steady continuous relationship is made of many moments, strung together. The more those moments are integrated and complementary the more I’m satisfied with my life.
There have been times where I’ve personally felt the call of these rationalizations, times where they felt right. The one reason I don’t cheat, the one reason that feels better than right, is because I look for the deeper question in any of these moments within myself, within my partnership and in the life I’m living.
Even if that moment’s truth is felt and not acted on I know I will be getting something from it, so cheating simply isn’t necessary. I’m pretty invested in living a satisfied life, I’ve got one I like, and I’m enjoying it thoroughly.
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Other Articles on GMP by Orin J. Hahn at:
The Experience That Made Understanding Women Easy Enough for a Man
A Lifetime of Gifts Change Everything
Forgiveness: How to Move Forward
Photo: keyofnight/Flickr
One thing that was definitely overlooked in this (brilliant) article is simple revenge. The couple fights, she becomes ungodly pissed like she’s never experienced in her life… and she’ll show him, won’t she?
Hey Heith,
Thanks for the compliment. Yeah there’s many more reasons like that (and I think that one can play out for either gender) but I wanted to keep to the ones that are more solitary since those often hide deeper. Thanks for commenting and chiming in!
One thing overlooked is feeling like you missed out on opportunities when you were younger. Or proving to yourself (if your a man) that you are still capable of being the animal capable of swooning an attractive female. Also, this does not explore the real basis for desire which is at the core of wanting to wander.
4. I feel like a loser, I had plans. Big Ones. My partner has heard me talk about them and watched me fail. I can’t look them in the face but I so wish I could look at someone because I can’t look at my own reflection either. I think you read my mind. No one else has validated this as a reason for cheating – which is what I suspect and my husband has said was part of his affair rationalization. His career took a nose dive. He was washed up and he didn’t know how to face me.… Read more »
Flaca Thank you for putting yourself out there with such an honest and open share. I’m glad to have connected with you so richly.
This was interesting because in several of the answers, I saw a lot of hurt on the Cheater’s part – I’m not worthy of my partner (#4), I’m not attractive to anyone (#6), I’m insecure and suspicious about the validity of committed relationships (#1 and #7). It makes sense to me that someone who cheats would be, consciously or not, acting out of a place of pain. While their actions are not necessarily excusable, they deserve compassion. I can’t claim a clean track record on cheating, although my infractions were limited to a particular phase of my life. In retrospect… Read more »
I do believe that the hurt that cheating brings starts with hurt often within, in relationships we feel each other. I’m glad to hear it resonated, thanks for the feedback.
Where does emotional cheating fall into this mix. Is that more accepted by women vs men? I often thought that all excuses for having to cheat is just another way lying to your self that your relationship is unfulfilling. There are countless of reasons but non of them should be acceptable.
Emotional cheating can come out of these desires just as easily, and I haven’t seen proof that either gender feels better about being cheated out of partnership in any way. Women may have social training and support to recognize emotional drift better and react sooner but feeling an absence of that which is desired hurts all people.
Two, three, six, and seven may hold water. I believe in long, secure relationships, but sometimes… One thing I’m pretty sure of is that many of us have been down this road, many more than usually admit to it, including women, who are very afraid of being caught at it. With the women’s movement, stated Victorian reproductive culture has returned. From a philosophical point of view this is unexpected. One would have expected things to go in the direction of “free love” a bit more than they have. From a sociobiological point of view, it’s quite expected, however. Women at… Read more »
I think this is actually brilliant. That’s the thing about cheating – my feeling is that unless you’re some sort of sociopath, you only cheat if you feel like you are somehow doing the right thing… You deserve it, you need it, it’s meant to be… But I think the one that is really meaningful and rarely gets said is that often we find ourselves attracted to others and think it must really mean something, in a grand sense. But it doesn’t. I mean, it doesn’t usually. It just means that there are other people whom you find attractive. Does… Read more »
It just means that there are other people whom you find attractive.
Or, it means that there’s actually one person in the world who finds you somewhat attractive, even if (when) your partner doesn’t do so anymore.
Thanks Joanna, attraction is a fascinating thing and really only a piece of the puzzle. I actually believe in developing both my and my partners attraction range to others, rather than keep it on just us. It doesn’t have to be about an end result aka sex, it can be a wonderful thing to just appreciate the range of beauty in people.
There is data that suggests that people feel more intense emotions of lust and love-like feelings when they have to keep something a secret. That contributes, too. It’s addictive.