Being Caballero on how Slut Shaming challenges men’s sexual and personal development.
Disclaimer: I want to make a couple things absolutely clear before we begin.
-Shaming in any form is simply wrong. How a person leads his/her life, as long as it does not hurt others, is nobody’s business.
-Sex should never be used to control or hurt people nor should people lie or manipulate someone to get it as a trophy.
-People should never use sex as a substitute for confidence and self-esteem nor should it be a replacement for emotional intimacy.
“Slut.”
“Whore.”
These words resonate feelings of humiliation in any woman who has been slut-shamed. For those who have no idea what’s slut-shaming, it’s the attempt to destroy a woman’s dignity and self-esteem by making her feel inferior as a human being due to her sexuality. The purpose is to guilt her into dressing in a specific way, to restrict her access to birth control, to punish her for having premarital sex, or, at its most horrible aspect, to make her take the blame for a sexual assault she suffered. It’s a way to bully and punish a woman for owning their sexuality.
But what about men?
The social perception is that men can’t be slut-shamed because they are “players” by nature. It’s understood that men hold every sexual encounter as a badge of honor and praise as their champion the guy with the most notches on his bedpost. Not really.
Let me start out with the not so obvious truth. Men who lead an active sex life will also be slut-shamed, just in a different way than women. You only have to look at history; how society treated these romancers, accusing them of being corrupters of virtuous women. Gentlemen like Giacomo Casanova and Oscar Wilde were condemned for crimes of moral turpitude and were forced to flee their homes more than once; haunted by the memories of lost loves or hunted by jealous husbands. For that lifestyle, Casanova’s name would forever be tainted with everything that is wrong with men who lie and manipulate to get sex or simply to take advantage of the women.
As we have confronted the social to understand how wrong it is to shame a woman empowered by her sexuality, why do we accept such shaming when it comes to men? Many male artists and poets have found their muse in women. Casanova himself said “I was born from the sex opposite to mine, I have always loved it and done all that I could to make myself loved by it.” For artists like him, it was not about sex, but about drowning their senses in a lady’s femininity. It’s ironic that women want a man who can inspire them with passion; yet when confronted with such a man, he is dismissed as a player, reducing him to little more than a “man-whore.”
The reality is that a man can be as empowered by his sexuality, just as a woman can. Shaming sexuality is just as harmful to men as it is to women, turning what should be viewed as natural into a taboo to be explored perversely, usually leading to the very culture of manipulations and lies we are trying to condemn. Some men can genuinely empathies with what women have gone through because they too have dealt with the social stigma, having walked the road of being mistreated and marginalized. Here are some of the lessons you can expect to learn if you walk down this path through life.
1. People will say that you deserve a horrible life because, you know, Karma is a Bitch.
It will always be assumed you leave a trail of broken hearts and shattered women. Most people will assume you ARE a lying manipulator because, in their own small world, there is no way a man could attract women without tricks and plays. People will rejoice in your misfortune and misery.
After a while, you will actually start to consider that maybe it’s deserved; irrelevant that you are not the manipulating bastard people think. You will actually start to question your own motives and actions, wondering if what others say about you is true.
2. People will attack you just to feel better about themselves.
You are seen as scum by the “moral majority.” To them, you are a tempter with little value. Who cares if you actually respect women? These same people will think it’s perfectly acceptable, and even morally required, for them to use you as a social step ladder.
The most dangerous part of this attitude is when you start to expect the attacks and accept them as normal behavior. Remember Lesson 1; Karma’s a bitch.
3. People will never believe that you can actually be a good man. Now, rumors of debauchery, those are always true.
Have you ever tried to convince someone about something you did or didn’t do? It’s almost impossible to change someone’s opinion after they already made up their mind. They will refuse to believe anything you say, no matter how much proof and evidence you have.
Now when it comes to unsubstantiated rumors and wild accusation spouted by someone who has no proof to back it up, that’s believable.
4. The Girlfriends of every guy you know will hate you, because you are “that friend.”
You are the most dangerous threat to the fidelity of any woman’s boyfriend. You are a bad influence and the main reason their partner might stray. To them, you are constantly tempting their boyfriends with offerings of easy women and stripper clubs. Nothing will strike fear into their hearts like he words “Guys’ Night Out” if you are involved.
5. You will be expected to accept however badly your own girlfriend treats you.
So you decide to settle into a relationship. But by this time you will believe that any lady in a relationship with you is doing YOU a favor. Both of you understand how you don’t deserve a “Nice” Woman with your reputation.
And at the first sign of trouble, you WILL be reminded of all the insinuations she has to deal with, as her friends will chant hours of “I told you so.” Just remember that you should be thankful she even paid attention to you to begin with.
6. You will attract women for all the wrong reasons.
For all the rumors floating around, you will notice how some women will actually seek you out. But don’t rejoice that they are genuinely interested in you or have seen past the stories. They just want to know if the rumors were true and want to have a story to tell their friends. You will learn the meaning of “Objectification” as these advances can best be best translated into “Dance monkey, dance”, as you are reduced to an item for their entertainment.
And should you decide you don’t want anything to do with these ladies, they will see it as a personal attack and insult. That’s when the more personal attacks will begin.
7. Nothing says “Gay-Man” like being attracted to women.
Maybe it’s the idea that some men hide their sexual insecurities behind womanizing, maybe it’s the guys envious of your stories, or maybe it was the women you rejected in Lesson 6; you will hear accusations of being gay. LOTS OF THEM.
The irony is that none of these accusations come from actual gays; just from uptight repressed “morally straight” people. The fact that you understand what it means to be marginalized because of who you are means you could care less about the sexual orientation of your friends, which leads to Lesson 8.
8. You will learn what it means to be marginalized, teaching you to avoid making judgment calls and learn to accept everyone as is.
After living under social scrutiny, judgmental stares, and hypocrisy; you realize that every time you do the same to others, you become what you hate. You learn to accept your place among the marginalized and prize personal honesty. You will view everyone as your equal, realizing that nobody is beneath you or above you. It’s interesting how it’s this honesty that got you here in the first place.
Some of the cast out by the mainstream will group together for support and protection from a society bent of breaking their spirit. You will learn from them, as they will teach you how to live with your scars as badges of pride.
9. “Eff-It” is an absolutely acceptable response most of life’s problems.
People will talk about you, judge you, and hate you for no apparent reason. This will eat you inside and destroy your soul if you let it. That’s till you understand that if you don’t really have to care what they think.
And that’s when it actually gets better, as you become comfortable in your skin. You realize that the only person you have to answer too is yourself. Nothing is more liberating than saying a good heart fealt “Eff-it”.
10. You will learn the value of Dignity.
And that’s when your change in attitude projects to those around you. This is the most important lesson you will learn from this ordeal, the one you have to carry every day and must fill everything you do. The greatest gift you can offer anyone is to treat them with Dignity. Shaming, of any kind, is nothing more than an attack at someone’s Dignity. You will learn to value yourself, and you will learn to appreciate those you treat you with Dignity. You will also understand the importance of treating everyone with the same Dignity you expect.
Photo: Flickr/Ra’anan Niss.
I am a proud slutshamer of men and women. Sluts and whores tend to abandon a moral compass for the sske of getting off; it’s sleazy and disgusting. There are consequences to choosing your genital over integrity. Don’t expect to be viewed as some noble, integerous individual if your genital is more of a priority than doing the right thing.
After re-reading, reviewing, and reacting to the article and comments on it, there are a couple of things I feel should be added. Lesson 4. “The Boyfriends of every girl/woman you know will hate you, because you’re simultaneously ‘that guy’ too” (Thanks to Keith Perry from Facebook, He is completely right. Guys will assume you will inevitably try to take advantage of their girlfriend.) Lesson 7. After reading that section again, one thing that I forgot to mention was the fact that being called gay is not an insult, and the fact that these people view it as such or… Read more »
As we have confronted the social to understand how wrong it is to shame a woman empowered by her sexuality, why do we accept such shaming when it comes to men? Because there is a presumption that men cannot be shamed when it comes to sex. If a guy has sex with a woman under nearly any circumstance, even if he was raped by said woman, its considered a good thing that needed to happen in order to validate his manhood. Also I think a part of the reason we accept such shaming of men is because some of the… Read more »
And if you have sex, but it’s not with a woman, you get “slut shamed” too. It was worse before the Pee- Wee Herman incident. Although there isn’t as great a stigma against masturbation as there was in the 70s / 80s and early 90s, you can still see people demonizing porn, etc. There’s more than one way to control someone’s sexuality. They’re even willing to cut off a child’s foreskin sometimes.
Um yeah, it’s called religion. relgious people are crazy (rather the jewish/christian as pagans generally had a healthy view of the body as it was part of nature and not some special thing made by god). they think that they should BOTH go forth and populate the earth and that sex is the devil’s work (apparently they didn’t realize the only way to populate the earth was to GASP have sex). They are literally delusional to the point that they thought the body their perfect god made was somehow defective and tempted by satan so they cut off parts of… Read more »
There has rightfully been much attention and examination into “slut shaming” and the negative perception of female persons who are judged as promiscuous. And I agree that female persons are readily judged more severely and harshly for sexual activity and perceived promiscuity than male persons are. It is often a “double standard.” However, calling it a “double standard” can lead to the impression that male persons who are sexually active or promiscuous are only praised for it, which is certainly not true. We have terms like “stud” and “pimp” which are usually considered positive. “Player” can sometimes be considered positive,… Read more »
Beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes.
Interesting perspective, I’ve never thought about how a man who gets a lot of women might feel shamed because of it. This does come across though kind of like a beautiful woman complaining that people don’t see past her beauty and how that makes her feel sad sometimes, while at the same time she’s fully enjoying all the advantages! “Players” do get scorn I suppose because people feel they can’t really be trusted — and you have to admit that there is some truth to that. If you know you can get any woman why stick with one? This is… Read more »