Orin J Hahn will do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
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I’m gonna give up a big secret. This is one of the fundamental things that allows me to not only have an amazing woman as my wife but simultaneously aids me in having rich, intimate, flirtatious relationships with more members of the opposite sex than I frequently know what to do with.
In fact it’s gone so well that I’ve worked on expanding the core of it to my friendships with men and even when I feel like it, strangers.
Before I reveal, I’ll explain why I said nauseating in the title. You see recently I was having dinner with a friend who I’ve known for over twenty years. She’s been married almost the whole time. So she knows a thing or two about making it work and can intuit what a good relationship looks like.
As she was congratulating me on my recent hitch she said, “you guys, you just seem so lucky. It’s almost nauseating”. I had to laugh because it was just so funny to hear that at our 5+ yr mark together even though we did just make it “official”.
♦◊♦
Anyway so the secret. I’ll tell you now, it’s simple.
I don’t trust her. Not a bit. And you know what—I encourage her not to trust me.
But what? You say. That sounds awful.
I’ll explain.
I’ve watched people, especially couples for a long time. I wanted in as much as anyone else. The love, the romance, the “oh aren’t they the best?” And you know what I found? People miss out on having that the most because they bang down the door demanding that if someone did something once, they do it forever. Worse—if they do anything “right” it’s held up as a benchmark “proving” they’re good. So then if they miss it again even once…
Done done done
Out come all the accusations.
I thought I could trust you, clearly you’re not this, why aren’t you..,
Blah blah blah
So I asked myself does that help or does it hurt?
And it hurts. So I left it out of the equation.
Instead when I get what I like I say thank you.
When I get what I don’t I get curious.
That’s it.
I search for ways where her needs and mine line up.
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I stop holding her hostage (and anyone else) to being a servant of my expectations. I let go the obligation of putting my needs and wishes higher than her own. If anything I search for ways where her needs and mine line up. And if they don’t, I support us cultivating our own individual fulfillment.
♦◊♦
But what about trust?
Well if I need to trust something, I trust in myself that I will grow. I trust in the universe that it’s diverse.
Not in that namby pamby “oh the universe will provide way” but rather a straight up everything exists and I can go fucking look for it if it’s that important. Or I can be patient. I mean for Pete’s sake the world has platypuses and sonic boom punching shrimp in it how can it not have what I want if I look?
So that’s the secret. She doesn’t have to do or be anything to keep me. She doesn’t need to earn my trust. We can run around looking at walruses or whatever. And that’s pretty great.
Think you can let go of needing trust yet?
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Originally Published at www.Facebook.com/Orin.Hahn
This sounds like an interesting concept; however, at what point then would you leave a person? If you are satisfied with whatever you get and “pleasantly surprised” when you get what you want, what makes for an unsatisfactory relationship? It sounds on the surface like you are fortunate enough to have someone that already meets a certain threshold of your expectations (and this threshold may be different person to person). I find it difficult to believe that the concept being advocated here is “just be happy with what you get and stop expecting anything.” If that’s the case, if the… Read more »
Hey Orin, Correct me if I misunderstood but It appears that you and your Lady have agreed upon “What feels good to each other’ in a relationship and what both will tolerate outside of “what feels good.” I think this gets done in the solidification of any relationship. In most relationships like 99%, both parties either consciously keep those agreements to themselves or choose to remain unconscious about it all………Then of course “change” will eventually impact the relationship (quite predictable) and the parties will either choose to make an adjustment and remain together or choose not to make an adjustment… Read more »
Would expectations be a better descriptive than trust?
Yeah. I am not sure that’s what I call trust either but … call it what you will (a rational adult?), it would never be unwelcome in a relationship of mine. Far from it.
While I don’t refer to it as trust, I totally agree. I am surprised/pleased/thankful every time Chad does something wonderful for me…and I (try) never to expect it.