After a story of the shooting death of a boy in Texas, Orin Hahn discusses how important communication between a father and a daughter is.
—
I’ve been intrigued by sex for as long as I can remember. It was first explained to me around 5, and my preoccupation with understanding it was strong by 8. Remembering how early on I wanted to know more, I have no illusions as a father that my own child, my daughter, would have any reason not to be just as curious at an early age.
I know the traditional views of fatherhood. Especially regarding daughters and what we’re supposed to protect them from. The running joke that I heard from day one was how I better prepare for “the day.” The day when “the boys” will start noticing her and coming around. AKA “some big bad threat bringing ruin to my innocent child.” I understood then the fear of adult choices coming to my unready child. What I didn’t get was the irrational and blind description of all boys as a threat. Especially from my fellow men, fellow fathers. It was always wrapped in a “well you remember what we were like?” which felt like self hate.
Did all men think of sex as a threat carried within them? A threat that their daughters had to be kept from? A compulsion that women, girls didn’t have within them?
As a father I am utterly dedicated to my daughters safety, and I am far from naive. And the surest way to keep her safe is to be willing to keep our connection strong, to give her guidance on worldly matters and to support her in trusting herself while knowing that I’m always available. When she entered puberty, we started having more frank discussions. Not just about the mechanics of sex but also about the roles, power plays, pitfalls and misunderstandings. About the complex web of emotions that come into play while discovering yourself and another. I told her early on that in regards to this area she was going to have questions, and she needed to know two things:
1. I would always answer any question truthfully and without judgement. Even if either or both of us was uncomfortable, that was what I was here for. To lend my knowledge as a trustworthy man at her disposal in growing into a woman.
2. The kid at school who acts the most knowing never is.
For 16 years I’ve been raising her, building this dialogue. We’ve grown through this open door to know each other not just as father and daughter but as people who can hear each other. And of this I am very proud.
♦◊♦
Today I read an article about another father. A father who I am sure loves his daughter as I do mine. A father who wants the best for his child and her safety. This father woke at 2:30 in the morning and was told that there was a person hiding in his daughter’s room.
He had just recently moved to the house. He had a gun and went to make sure his daughter was safe. In the room with his daughter was a teenage boy. The daughter said she didn’t know who he was or how he got there. The father reacted to a gesture this “stranger” made and shot him.
The stranger is now dead, a dead teenage boy. A teenage boy who it turns out was invited into the house, into the bedroom by the daughter. A daughter who panicked and did not have the way to say to her father, “Dad, I invited a boy over”.
A boy is dead, a man has killed (mistakenly) to protect his child, and a girl’s fear of being discovered as a sexual being has been forever linked to a horrible outcome.
Part of why I am so concerned with exploring the roles and communication of human nature is realizing that these tragedies are a very real possibility without anyone taking a pause to think beyond the fear. Fear of others, fear of men, fear of recognizing and acknowledging female sexuality and the permission for them to own it. It just destroys. Destroys the chance for girls to grow. Destroys the chance for men to see themselves as a person before a threat. Destroys, in this case, several lives.
Yes adulthood and sex is scary, but so are denial and false concepts of purity.
—
Follow @Orin_Explains
Other Articles on GMP by Orin J. Hahn at:
The Experience That Made Understanding Women Easy Enough for a Man
A Lifetime of Gifts Change Everything
Forgiveness: How to Move Forward
Photo: Www.CourtneyCarmody.com//Flickr
Orin, one of the keys for me was having an open line of communication, and a built up trust over many years. So when these sorts of conversations need to be had, neither of us feels awkward, or fears that our thoughts and feelings will be marginalized, or ignored. A classic attitude would be “my home, my rules”, or making them feel dirty for thinking or acting in a certain way. We are sexual beings, living in a material (natural) world. To ignore that, or treat it as anything other than absolutely natural and beautiful is ignoring who/what we truly… Read more »
Do you seriously believe what you just wrote? You’re going to tell your 12 and 13 yr old kids that “its all beautiful and natural Go do it!” I sincerely hope that this isnt what passes for enlightened these days.
CW there is a jump from what Bradley says with “natural and beautiful” to “go do it” which you added.
I have had many talks like Bradley suggests where I have shared that it is a normal and healthy part of life, as are the stages to get there and be prepared emotionally, physically and interactively.
I would no more suggest to my child (or any child) to go have sex than I would to go climb a majestic mountain without covering the needs and safety involved in either endeavor.
You make the assumption that parents who adhere to “my home my rules” don’t communicate beyond that with their kids. The truth is most teens don’t have sex. And if you look at the reasons why, you’ll find that their decisions have nothing to do with “house rules.” You underestimate their decision making abilities and have lowered the bar. To me that’s a disservice to today’s youth.
The issue I see with a “my home my rules” approach is even if you communicate fully you are making it “your home” and failing to make it theirs as well. With that you are pushing any emerging part of them that clashes away.
Id personally rather say that I am the final say in the house but that the opinions, wants and needs that come out as my teen grows can be addressed and will be addressed as part of the constant evolution of our home together.
“A boy is dead, a man has killed (mistakenly) to protect his child” This was no mistake. This man knew what he was doing and chose to follow through. This man is not mentally impaired and could see that it was A BOY, not a grown man or ghost or fucking bigfoot. it was a child and he chose to shoot him anyway. That is not a mistake and to say otherwise is to dismiss this man’s responsibilty for his actions. He was not in control of the situation and the only way to gain control was to kill a… Read more »
And as ever – not all men are like that.
Really, has this not sunk in yet?
Wow Lynn ……. I’m a dad of a grown son and daughter and I’m not sure if I would have done the same thing. I do know that when my wife wakes me up at night because of strange sounds, I have my gun ready. I’ve never had to use it and hope that I never do. Sorry to say that parenting skills across the board have a lot to be desired. Sex or not, there are house rules that need to be enforced. The fact that she had a kid in her room at that hour says a lot… Read more »
Now that there is some good old fashioned hate speech! Kinda interesting to see it not get deleted.
CW, yet one of my posts to another article about guns, where I had no insults, just facts about murders in Chicago using illegal guns, was posted but later removed.
1. “But a woman say that men are bad?” No, this is not ok to say. A certain number of men are bad, just as a certain number of women are. Not the majority in either case. Be specific about who is causing a problem–far more specific than “men.” 2. “The same men who feel the need to threaten boys are the same men who claim men aren’t dangerous.” Are you sure it’s the same men? I’ll see these two lines of thought in the same thread, but my recollection is that it’s usually different people. My husband will make… Read more »
2. “The same men who feel the need to threaten boys are the same men who claim men aren’t dangerous.” Are you sure it’s the same men? I’ll see these two lines of thought in the same thread, but my recollection is that it’s usually different people. My husband will make jokes about protecting our daughters from their future dates, but he also believes that _some_ (not most) men can be dangerous. I’m not a fan of the attitude, since I think it reinforces the perception that sexual expression is something dirty or bad that men to do women that… Read more »
I’m a father of a young woman who was once a teenager, and I believed then, and I haven’t changed my mind, that a lot of things can happen to a teenage girl (or boy) having sex and most of them are bad. I would say that having condoms freely available to your teenage daughters in the house is like having marijuana or cocaine lying around. You’re asking for trouble. Not only for your own child, but for someone else’s child who is invited to join in the fun. As to the young man who was discovered in the teenage… Read more »
Women need permission to be sexual. This society give such negative lessons from birth about sex that for most women that is what they internalize.
This is probably the best response to the story that any of the writers and editors could have come up with. It reaches right for the heart of the problem, without diverging into any unnecessary discussions that this story makes so easy to bring up.
Sadly variants of this happen quite often, normally it “just” a beating the guy gets, but it does rise to the level of false rape convictions…….All over the girl’s/woman’s honor. As I’ve told my teen daughters…… having sex will not make me or your mom think less of you, We would prefer you waited till your grown up enough to handle the issues that come along with an adult type relationship…….But only you know when that is, it is not our place to make that decision, It rest squarely on your shoulder as you approach adulthood……. And yes there is… Read more »
Orin, this is FANTASTIC! Thank you so much for this. Wow.