I was reading a book Mindfulness: Plain & Simple by Oli Doyle, in which there is a section on the unhealthy nature of comparison, how we both compare ourselves to each other and succumb to comparisons of past experiences or supposed possible future outcomes. Isolating these ideas as unhealthy spoke to me a lot, feeling almost touching as to how fairly they summarise some of the internal struggles I’ve been carrying with me for years. It’s true, these constant comparisons I draw with myself and other people is exhausting.
Much as I am ashamed to admit, this enviousness and competition have proliferated into almost every aspect of my social experience, hindering interactions both in the workplace and at home – even with close relatives with whom you would hope there would be nothing but the sharing of unconditional joy. It’s been remarked before – semi-jokingly – that I am a competitive person. But this competition is exhausting. And I’m not even sure it is one worth winning.
As I was reading, a recent memory struck me. I was out on holiday on a rural retreat with two friends, Sean and Leanna, Sean was teaching me some pieces on the guitar and the interaction quickly transformed into trying to write a piece together. It was in this peaceful idyll that I felt my creative spirit being shared and cultivated with someone else, someone that I trusted and felt a great deal of affection for. Moreover, I felt for the first time in a long time equal to someone, that my teacher was trying to help and that I was able to learn from their help, constructively and whole-heartedly.
It then hit me that more often than not, our ambitions are to ‘be better’ than someone; in this case, I was reminded of the number of times I wished I was better than someone at guitar or songwriting. Based on my experience, however, these sorts of thought patterns usually just leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled – even if we achieve what we set out to do. Countless celebrities have recalled how fame and wealth have not brought them happiness, despite this ostensible win on their yardstick of success.
Though it’s something we often forget and perhaps counter-intuitively it seems far more life-affirming to want to be equal to one another than it does to want to be ‘better’ than anyone. Wanting to be better just seems to leave us with even more distance between people than when we started – no one likes the feeling of being ‘worse’ than someone. It’s sad that it is often the case that we want to be better than those that we may even care about deeply. To ‘outdo’ a close friend or relative.
In fact, there is also a certain paradox to wanting to be better than someone else. The reality of this is either for us to feel more self-critical if we are unable to achieve something or simply to leave the friend feeling distant and a short-term pandering to our self-esteem. If they are someone we care about then even if we achieve something that momentarily gives the illusion of being better, all that we have done is push them away.
Instead, it is reassuring to know that letting things be, without judgment, and knowing that there is no competition in the first place can provide a resolution that is both reassuring and fulfilling in the long run. It is in wanting to be equal to one another, in this sense, that we are able to achieve true closeness and true compassion.
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