On Love

You thought romantic love was always started with lust. Pounding heart, butterflies, blushes, etc. And then that lust would finally either fade and fail, or turn into a mature relationship, a partnership. But you hadn’t had that spark again since many years ago. You thought you were incapable of love. You thought you lost it.

You knew many people got in a relationship not because they’re in love, but because they’re fear of being alone. So you always double checked your feeling. You didn’t have many criterias for a partner. You didn’t limit your acquaintances. You didn’t need someone perfect. It’s perfect to be imperfect, you thought, so you could grow together with your partner in that lifelong journey. Beauty was subjective. There’re a lot of beautiful women in this world. They’re easy to find. But still, you didn’t find them interesting. As long as she was interesting and attractive, that was your criteria. What’s love without any spark of genuine interest? How could you support someone who didn’t interest you? For you, love was a partnership, it was a journey to supporting and building each other so both of you could grow together, for life, and not just for dates or hanging out.

…

And the day came

First time after many years, you had such overwhelming feeling for another person again. You were overjoyed at the fact that you could feel this much love, had these strong emotions, after all these years, for this one person. You realized this was a love that founded and grew not from physical attraction. It had been growing for years. You didn’t feel pounding heart nor butterflies nor blushes under normal circumstances. You loved her as a person, as a whole, not just some parts of her. You knew she’s attractive, but rather than wanting to “own” her, you wanted to “provide” her with supports, lots of supports. You wanted to support her future, to grow together, and to make sure she would keep that smiling eyes for the rest of her days. Anything else was just a bonus.

Then you realized

You could finally relate to some lyric of “You Are The Reason” (Scott, 2018), “I’d climb every mountain. And swim every ocean.” You were not the type that would push yourself that far for someone before. You laughed. You couldn’t contain the overwhelming feeling. You wanted to tell her because she deserved it. You didn’t feel the fear of rejection at all. But you didn’t want to make her uneasy. So you confessed privately, in an old-fashioned way.

You didn’t demand or expect anything from the confession, but still, unrequited love sucked. You were too late when you found her and realized the feeling. When your mind was wandering, you started longing for the non-existent past, the imagined future, ignoring the present reality. At least it sucked short, you had it before investing a lot in it. There’re couples out there that just realized they had unrequited love in the middle or later years of their relationship. Couldn’t even imagine.

For weeks, you distracted yourself with work. After you were able to contain the overwhelming feeling, you knew this kind of love was different. It didn’t need to be reciprocated to stay. You still felt the joy, you still had the same feeling. You knew it would last long, months, years maybe.

Then you accept

A new tech blog, new Medium stories, and a new instrument skill you picked up are few things you have done that are fueled by the feeling. Deep down, you already know what you want to become, and now also, what kind of partner you want to be. This time, you don’t need to motivate yourself at all. You use the energy to bettering yourself, so you won’t miss love again when it comes.

You know that once you love someone truly, you can’t stop loving them completely. One day this feeling will fade and you’ll forget what it felt like, but your heart will remember, it won’t forget something that ever made you happy, even if it was only temporary.

You often read that giving and receiving love is one of life’s greatest joys. After all of this, you are sure that feeling love is also one of life’s greatest joys. Because without it, there won’t be giving and receiving, and love won’t be complete.

…

I guess that’s love.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***