Earl and Terry make Macaroni
Let’s say that after he makes his popular macaroni and cheese dinner, Earl helps daughter Cynthia get cleaned up and ready for bed. Meanwhile, his grateful spouse, Terry, finishes kitchen clean up, washes the dishes, stashes the leftovers, deals with the garbage/compost, and sets up for morning off to school and work preparations.
Who is doing the most emotional labor? They both are. But, in this case, I would argue that it’s been noted that Earl’s dinner is popular. That is a form of recognition. It is also true that his bond with Cynthia will boost Cynthia’s well-being and Earl’s masculine prestige, as testosterone amplifies emotions of positive interaction. All good.
But Terry’s efforts go unsung.
Visibility and recognition are key here. Terry is doing just as much emotional labor, though. She bought the dinner ingredients, praised Earl’s culinary gifts, cleaned the kitchen, and is prepping for a less chaotic morning send-off. But, as her contribution is less visible, it is largely unrewarded emotional labor.
Are you the family genius, or drudge?
Emotional labor is called that because it is what we do to secure ties that bind, but societally, we often forget the support team that makes the praised team possible. That emotional labor is often invisible means that it is the expected extra mile to go, not the noted one.
In my Roaring Rivers blog, I wrote recently about men doing emotional labor and one discussion unfolded around how men do so many wonderful things like cooking a great meal, prepping for the family outing, repairing the bikes, providing tech support wizardly, etc. These are all loving and giving things, but especially in a social setting, there are special skills required that are often noted, such as:
Joe, these are such delicious cookies, you are such a good cook!
I would not know how to weld a bike, thanks Frank!
Polly, you’ve such a gift for Halloween decorations, Spooktaculer. I’m impressed.
Harvey, if you didn’t know how to keep my device upgraded, I would be lost in the modern world.
A lot of the emotional labor, labor done to see that Joe, or Frank, or Polly, or Harvey, is freed up to happily earn this recognition, is hidden. Who bought the cookie ingredients for Joe? Who remembered Frank was supposed to fix Wendy’s bike on Friday? Who freed Polly by watching her kids? Who makes sure Harvey gets over to Joe’s to upgrade his software? Who cleans the toilets and washes the dishes — as an expected and invisible raft of duties that is perpetuated by stereotypes, or rigid roles?
Larger circle emotional labor
It should not be put upon the marginalized to explain why “Black lives matter,” “Some tech bros are too powerful,” or “Women pay a pink tax.”
However, this kind of emotional labor is going to be with us for awhile while culture continues to learn to carry more balanced emotional loads for the greater good.
Both in the public circle, workplace, and domestic spheres, the people who often feel compelled to speak up are those who feel the most vulnerable and need to insist on change. This is because our roles are so entrenched, and programmed. When a conflict must be resolved because one party is carrying too much of the load, the person assigned the most emotional labor will be the person who has to intervene to diplomatically try to soothe all ruffled feathers:
Joe, we need to talk about the vegan options of your cookies for our friends.
The fumes and dust from your garage are annoying the neighbors, Frank.
Sorry Polly, but the trash from your decorating overloaded the bins.
When you spent all day at Joe’s computer, you forgot to pick up the kids!
You can see in each of these hypothetical cases, that the person with a large amount of emotionally charged work to do is the person who has to remind the recognized person that their role, although appreciated, is not a one-man show. People have to talk about unseen details.
That is not easy to do. It is yet another bit of emotional labor of which we all need to be more mindful that needs to be done.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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