One Man’s Trash, Another Man’s Treasure

“You are a fountain of passion, a teacher of men”, a past lover had once said.

“Where have you been all my life? I would cherish you, you are such a jackpot, a treasure”, my current lover said last week.

My Lover whom I have known only for a short time thinks this of me. But it’s not just him, almost every man I have been with or known, even just as friends says the same.

My friends who are men, I mean non-sexual friendships… also have often said, how rare someone like me is. How exciting a life-partner I must be, so liberating, so forthcoming, so passionate, so fun…a riot.

My lover can’t get enough of me, his hands are always on me when we are together.

The desire, the want is crystal clear.

‘
He wants me….he likes me…he actually picks me over many others who could be his.

WOW, THIS IS REALLY TRUE…SOMEONE ACTUALLY DESIRES ME!!

There was a point in my life some years ago where I was convinced that I was worthless, ugly, not deserving of anyone’s attention or desire. Simply useless… One might wonder why? Was I overweight, did I have a disfigured face?

Nope, I was fit as a fiddle, 37 years old and I would like to say reasonably or more than reasonably attractive. Physically blessed.

So why was it I felt that way?

“You are always wanting to talk, why can’t you just let me be?” (On the couch after dinner, looking at his phone).

“Why do you need me to look at you across the table, can’t you just be happy we came out?” (At a nice restaurant, supposedly date night).

“Don’t touch me, I need to sleep.” (Yes, bedtime).

These above, are just subtle examples of the conversations we had at home back then. When I pushed harder, they became outright painful.

“I don’t feel any more passion, no attraction. I can’t bring myself to look at you sexually, you are just a friend to me now or a partner of some sort”. (When I asked why he doesn’t touch me anymore?)

“Why is sex so important to you? Is that all you think about? For god’s sake, get over this.” (When I broke down after a year and half of no sex, no physical contact)

“Can you stop crying, its enough. I don’t get why this is such a big deal, can’t you just be happy? Everything else is good, isn’t it?” (When I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown)

I eventually retreated, stopped asking or trying. Conceded defeat. I focused on myself, tried to be more selfish. And chose this precarious lifestyle of adultery and cheating.

It amazes me how I am the same woman, and two men could see me absolutely differently.

It’s all about perspective I guess.

Lover sees me as a woman, sexual, real, adventurous.

He likes my twisted humor, my constant horniness, my insatiable libido. He appreciates it. He also understands my anxieties, my insecurities, my inability to make this sex-based friendship into anything more. He knows all of it, he has seen my flaws mental and physical. Stretch marks, scars, etc…he still wants me, my body. (I know I am probably delusional, but he wants to fuck me and enjoys it clearly…so that’s the crux of it, and it works).

Husband, I despised him for the longest time but as more and more time passes, I have realized, it’s not easy for him either. No one would want a life like this. Or would they? I can’t speak for him but I do hope he finds someone he can be passionate with. I mean this genuinely.

I think when he looks at me all he sees is a responsibility, the mother of his child, and maybe a weird mix of friendship, love, and respect. He used to be crazy about me, but that’s passed. He was never as sexual as me but whatever we had was good, although it waned. He didn’t try harder, yes… that’s a grudge I will always hold. But if he doesn’t see me as a sexual woman anymore, I can’t force him. I have tried… and failed.

I guess his loss is someone else’s gain. Or should I say… his trash is someone else’s treasure.

I know, I know…no one is winning here, but I live in the now. Tomorrow isn’t here yet. And albeit temporary, at least I feel treasured…

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***