Online Dating Sucks, But We’re Still on the Apps

The last date I went on was a couple of months ago. Nothing went wrong, but it didn’t go well enough for me to want to go on another one any time soon.

I only do casual dating. Nothing deliberate or with the end goal of a serious relationship. That’s simply not where I am in life. I like to keep things physical, light, and fun.

The last date I went on was not fun. While the guy was nice enough, I didn’t feel any chemistry. I didn’t find him to be as attractive in person as he was in his photos, which seemed outdated.

The conversation lagged here and there. It eventually picked up with talk of the afterlife, of all things. Deep conversations are more my vibe, even if the subject matter was kind of morbid. Small talk simply doesn’t interest me. Everyone starts to sound the same after a while, no matter how “different” or interesting they may seem on paper.

After dinner, we walked around the city. It was chilly despite my puffy coat. By the time we settled down for drinks, my throat started feeling scratchy and my nose was running uncontrollably.

I dismissed myself shortly after. The date had went on longer than I wanted it to, and I was annoyed that I was leaving with what felt like a head cold. I had spent money on Uber just to spend my evening with a stranger who damn near bored me to death.

He expressed afterwards that he had a great time. I didn’t make any effort to try meet up with him again during the remaining week that he had in town before he had to leave to go back to his city. I think he got the message that I wasn’t interested.

It could have been much worse. He could have been an asshole or a psychopath. Or a serial killer.

In theory, this guy did everything right. He followed through with plans. He didn’t flake at the last minute, which is a big issue with online dating. There was no expectation of splitting the bill. He immediately opened his wallet and took care of that.

He was respectful and showed interest in me. Although he hinted at going back to his hotel, he didn’t extend an explicit invitation. The attraction and chemistry just weren’t there for me, and maybe he picked up on that, a sign of emotional intelligence. He didn’t push for anything or try to get me to stay longer when I was ready to go home.

Everything went right. But draining my energy on a stranger just isn’t worth it.

Not all guys are like that. Many want attention and validation. This guy may have very well wanted the company of a local while he explored a new city, with sex at the end being an extra perk.

I have friends who dabble around in the apps too. I’d say the biggest complaint among all of us is that if we reciprocate a guy’s interest, they suddenly disappear. They don’t follow through with plans that they made.

Maybe the attention they receive on an app is enough for them. Women validate these men by matching with them, responding, and agreeing to plans.

But when it comes to actually meeting up, the guys bounce because they have to put in effort. They can no longer hide behind the front that they put up on the app.

I don’t chase. It’s not my personal crusade to be liked by a stranger who could be the next Ted Bundy. If a man makes a plan and cancels an hour before, I don’t take that as personal rejection. It’s okay to get cold feet with a stranger, to not want to invest your time and energy. It just would have been nice if they could have worked that part out hours before, not when I’m in the middle of scalding my hair on a curling iron in preparation for our date.

There are hundreds of reasons why someone doesn’t follow through on a dating app. I’ve been on this side of things myself, where I just don’t have it in me to respond to how was your day? It’s not that the guy did something wrong by trying to make conversation. I just don’t have the energy to make small talk or try to make plans, no matter how hot he might be in his pictures.

Talk of meeting up starts to lose momentum the longer it drags out. My weekends are usually packed with activities with friends, who are my priority. Dates usually happen after work, when everyone is by default at their worst and questioning their existence. I get it, that’s not fun. I can see why someone would flake out.

There have certainly been situations where I wish the guy had flaked to begin with. It would have saved me so much aggravation. Like the guy who portrayed himself as a sex god when we matched, a guy who was apparently going to make my eyes roll in the back of my head. Okay, so he was planning to do the bare mimimum of what I expect in bed.

Needless to say, he did absolutely nothing to try to satisfy me. It was all about him and his pleasure. And I can assure you that there are guys out there who are not like that. They might be harder to find, but there are men who are mature and care about their partner’s satisfaction.

I told the delusional sex god wannabe that I couldn’t continue things with someone who doesn’t make an effort for me, who is treating me as a warm body to masturbate in. I could see from his face that this ruffled some feathers. His lame excuse was that I didn’t ask him to do anything. Please.

He unmatched me on the app after that. I took it a step further and blocked him on Instagram so he would have no chance of trying to contact me later on. I hope his next sexual experience involves a cactus.

Then there are the guys who are in relationships. Some have the “courtesy” to at least disclose this information to me once we match. Maybe out of guilt. Maybe because they think I’m one of those people who find it thrilling to cheat with someone in a relationship.

Either way, it’s not my place to figure out what’s going on with their moral compass. I don’t need to mess around with a married man and be an accomplice in eroding another woman’s trust and quite possibly ruining her life. So that “hey let’s meet up now, my girl is out of town” message is resulting in an automatic unmatch.

But at least he gave me this information so I wouldn’t be blindly walking into something I wouldn’t have consented to otherwise. This doesn’t make what he’s doing any better. But at least I could make the decision for myself.

This makes me wonder how many other guys are on there fooling around on their wives and girlfriends and are keeping it a secret.

Online dating is one big headache at best. Most of the time, it’s a shit show.

So why do we keep coming back to the apps? The dopamine from matching with that one person who seems like they could be different? Decent, even.

It is a gamble. A lot of conversations fall flat. There’s ghosting and flaking and manipulation and questioning your own sanity. I often have to take breaks from it. There’s no way this is good for mental health in the long run.

But the possibility is what seems to keep people hooked. If I spend five minutes swiping, maybe I’ll find a good partner who will fit my needs for a casual dynamic.

Only it rarely ever goes that way. They end up wanting more even though we said no relationship from the beginning. They become needy. Their issues start to surface. We’re all flawed. But I’m not going to play therapist or mommy to a man I just met off the internet. Or to any man, ever.

Yeah, the apps suck. The constant options, low stakes, and lack of accountability have decreased the quality of dating.

I can’t help but smirk at movies like Sleeping Beauty, where the protagonists experience this deep love that could create a second continential drift. You can feel that love and longing through the screen. Of course, falling in love at first sight is problematic because you’re romanticizing the other person. But with the “at first sight” part aside, I can’t imagine such passionate love still existing today. The kind where you would move mountains and die for the other person. Extreme, yes. Not something I would do if I ever did fall so deeply in love.

But it doesn’t seem like something that can exist in our world of chaos. Everyone I know is tired. Especially me. It’s hard to be starry eyed over someone when you feel like you could fall over from exhaustion at any minute. Yes, love survives adversity. But why even bother to find love when you could just take a nap and disconnect from everything for a bit? It’s easier than trying to make things work with someone who’s just as tired and jaded by life.

I get my emotional fulfillment from friends. I work out my feelings in therapy. My cat is a huge source of love and support. I’m too tired to find love, to sort through all the trash. I get my physical needs met from casual partners. As far as I’m concerned, I’m fulfilled without a romantic partner.

I just wish the apps would do a better job of filtering out the ones who do have a romantic partner.

Maybe it would make the whole experience a little less exhausting.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.