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Dear Judge Kavanaugh,
We’re worried about you. We (beer) are meant to be enjoyed but not abused. Maybe you didn’t see or didn’t know about the warning on the bottom of every glass and can of us.
Note the label encourages you to enjoy responsibly. Perhaps you weren’t sure what that means. The list of things you shouldn’t do while knocking back a few cans of us is long but includes: operating a motor vehicle, performing open heart surgery, shaving, using a hammer and trying to sexually assault women. Maybe you’re thinking we should have put this on the label, that you would have consulted the fine print had it only been available. Look, we tried. We created prototypes with a complete list of everything you shouldn’t do while drinking but frankly it was illegible. Imagine all the documents you have to sign when you buy a house. Now picture them on a can or bottle. You see what we’re getting at? We decided to go with something simple, two words that no one could possibly misconstrue.
Your testimony at yesterday’s hearing had a lot of us crying into pints of ourselves. You say you love us but you don’t respect us. We would never condone such behavior. Beerkind is peaceful. We don’t care about a person’s gender, skin color, religion or age-assuming a person is over 21! No, we believe all reasonable adults should be able to relax with a few of us provided they—going to really emphasize this point—-enjoy responsibly, like with a game of horseshoes or something. We know this is possible because millions of people do this on a daily basis—not horseshoes, we mean enjoy responsibly—without sexually assaulting women.
Brett. Can we call you Brett? We think you should stop drinking us. This is for your good as well as ours. We wished you were more judicious with respect to us but, alas, your history appears to make this difficult if not impossible. Ever consider you can’t remember being blackout drunk because you were blackout drunk? We don’t want you to wreck your life or the lives of others because you allegedly turn into a sex-fueled rage beast when you’ve had a few too many. We also resist the implication that we are somehow responsible for your behavior. To use a phrase you’re no doubt fond of: guns don’t kill people, people kill people. Well, Brett, alcohol doesn’t sexually assault women, people sexually assault women.
You say you love us. If you really do then you’ll let us go.
Sincerely,
Beer
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Photo credit: Pixabay