My son is pretty wise for his age. Yesterday he was with me in my car when I started shouting at another driver, and he calmly reminded me that being angry wasn’t going to change anything – other than maybe give me a headache or an early heart attack. And that the guy who pulled out in front of me might have just heard some bad news or have some other reason for his absent-mindedness. Which helped me remember the wise truth that, although I can’t change what other people do, I can always choose how I react.
I try to adopt this stance in the rest of my life – with varying degrees of success. Knowing that what anyone does always has an explanation, however selfish or stupid it might seem to me, helps me have compassion for them instead of judging them or taking it personally. This isn’t to minimise the responsibility we all have to avoid hurting other people. But if someone’s damaging behaviour is because of trauma from their past, and they’re blind to the hurt they’re causing or lack the capacity to change, is it really their ‘fault’? Getting wound up about it is useless. All I can do is try to prevent them from causing harm, and try to nudge them to change
Actions which fall short of loving kindness are often rooted in some kind of unhealed wound. When someone’s pissed me off, pointing an accusing finger and playing the blame game is just projecting my own fears about not being good enough, and only causes them to shut down which makes mutual understanding less likely. So instead of arguing about who is ‘wrong’, I try to uncover the reason for whatever anger has come up, so we can figure out how heal and move ahead.
I used to find it hard to speak out against the sexist ‘jokes’ which sometimes come out in the group of men I like to hang out with; but I’ve learned that, as long as I state my objections as a personal belief with no implied judgement of anyone who doesn’t agree with me, I can avoid provoking the defensiveness that easily comes up when someone feels criticised; and instead may motivate them to rethink some of their assumptions and beliefs.
The only way we can change the world is by changing ourselves. I hope I’m making the world a nicer place in some tiny way by being more accepting of others. in any case, I’m making more friends and less enemies – and that feels good!
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