Own Your Career, Share Your Money (and Yourself)

What are the implications on a relationship when a man earns less money than his spouse or significant other?

This is the question raised by a CNBC article claiming millennial women are “ashamed” and “worried” of out-earning their male partners.

We assume we are long passed the days of societal expectations that a man will be a sole breadwinner and a woman will stay at home, or, if she does work, will earn less. (With study after study showing women earn less than men for the same work, unfortunately this reality is all too true. But that’s a slightly different topic.)

Clearly this idea has deep roots in our consciousness, and the perception remains that a man “should” earn more. Is this really still true?

Finding work that meets your financial needs is difficult. Finding work that meets your financial needs while also being fulfilling and meaningful is even more challenging.

Men and women alike struggle with this each time they sludge themselves into an office they don’t want to be in, and suffer at a desk job for most of their waking weekday lives. Countless Americans don’t even have the luxury of complaining about their meaningless, soul-killing jobs.

There are few worse situations to be in than trapped in a job you don’t like, counting on and dependent upon a salary and health insurance. Following your passion is nice, but it doesn’t always pay the bills.

There are more women than ever in the workforce. And of course women are more than capable of supporting themselves and becoming financially independent. Men today should expect that not only will their partners work, but there’s a good chance they might make more money than you.

There are two quotes from the CNBC piece that are worth exploring.

“But since women, on average, have lower incomes than men, especially if they have children, and they still do more of the housework, the burden of being a breadwinner is yet more onerous [for women].”

I’ve touched on this before, when talking about emotional labor in relationships, both here and here. Men need to be much better, more proactive, in taking responsibility and ownership of the management and completion of everyday tasks.

Making more money than your wife or girlfriend does not, in any way, free men from the responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, child rearing and tending to your relationship, both emotionally and physically.

And this does raise the question of what happens when the woman makes more. What role is each person playing in that scenario? In situations when men make less, what is their contribution to the relationship?

We, as a society, are clearly still trying to figure that out. But it obviously has to be something meaningful and additive. Household chores? Cooking? Doing more for planning and helping with the kids? There is a lot to choose from and a lot of space to help carry the load.

What’s most important for the relationship is there must be a balance. A relationship must feel like a true partnership. Problems arise when there is imbalance, over time, when one person feels that he or she is carrying too much of the load, and that load encompasses everything: from earning money to cleaning toilets.

Each couple must determine for themselves how they will divide and share those responsibilities. It’s not easy, but it’s critical. And it differs couple to couple, person to person. There is no one right way to do it.

In a relationship, both partners need to be contributing in ways that are significant and substantial — and both most be doing things, either in their jobs or outside of work, that are personally fulfilling. Otherwise they will be unhappy, and that will bleed over all aspects of your life, including and beyond your marriage or relationship.

Making money is important, to be sure. But it’s not the only way to contribute and function as a teammate, partner or companion. This gets to the second quote from the CNBC article that caught my attention: “the overwhelming majority of millennial women breadwinners don’t believe the men in their lives should feel emasculated by the gap in their income.”

First, it’s not up to women to make us feel better about ourselves. If you’re not OK with your job, career or salary, then do something about it. Your partner can help and be supportive, of course, but it falls on you to a) fix that problem, and b) come to terms psychologically with where you are professionally and how you feel about it.

I’ve been in that situation, where I was frustrated with my job and would carry that with me at home and outside of work. The women in my life would offer advice, encourage me, support me…which was amazing. But when I failed to act, I got more frustrated, which made them more frustrated, and then they started losing respect for me. Not because of how much money I was making or because of my career choice, but because of how I handled my own confidence and emotions regarding my own career.

Men, the only thing that can make you feel emasculated about your money and your career is you. I would hope that making less money than your partner would not default into feelings of emasculation or inferiority. Hopefully you can get to a point where you are comfortable in your career choices, doing something you are good at, find important and enjoyable, and then find other ways to be a contributor to your relationship. Because guess what?

Even if you made twice as much money as your partner, you’d still need to find the ways to be a good partner. And the fact is, confidence and contentment is appealing.

No one wants to be around a miserable person. Of course we all go through phases. I’m not suggesting in any way that in order to be a good man, you need to be happy all the time. Because that’s impossible.

You can’t be too hard on yourself, though, or resent your partner, because of things you can control. Feeling emasculated due to salary is a symptom of a lack of self-confidence. It’s a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

Yes, it also plays on old-fashioned gender roles that may or may not be meaningful anymore.

And it’s not just men — there may be women who look to men to make more money. Some of those women may, actually, look down upon their partners if they make less (usually it would have to be significantly less).

Setting aside the hard needs to pay rent or a mortgage and other critical daily expenses (if there is not enough money for those, emasculation is the least of your problems), these assumptions about gender roles live on. They are ingrained within us by society.

But openness, communication and honesty, with yourself and with your significant other, can help you manage that. You must feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be able to communicate. You must be honest with yourself (and with your partner) about how you perceive your career, and your relationship.

The word I’d leave you with is additive. What do you bring to the other person that is additive, that makes their life better or easier or more enjoyable? Is it financial resources, or is it love? Is it the ability to travel the world, or is it emotional support when thing are tough? Is it fancy gifts, or is it in being trustworthy?

And none of these are exclusive. It can be both, or all…but it has to be something.

Being a man today doesn’t mean just one thing. It’s not as simple as just bringing in a big salary. And that’s a good thing. It can be more expansive, allow you to participate and contribute in many ways.

Work is stressful, and often un-enjoyable. It frequently creates the very stress in our lives that we look to others to help us get through. Jobs are draining, of both time and energy. They affect our souls and emotional well-being in ways our society does not fully or appropriately address or appreciate.

Take this to heart. Be mindful of the role your career or job plays in your life, because while your job is work, it is not your only work as a committed partner. And if you are single, it is not the only thing that defines you as a person.

This is a life-long challenge. Balancing career and personal life never ends. But like everything else I’ve written about, it’s up to you to face this challenge and internalize your feelings and comfort level with your situation.

Those feelings are yours. You can talk about them, share them, try to learn from others about them. But they are yours.

One of the most important things you can be as a man is confident. This is true whether your are partnered or single. Be proud of your work — and of yourself. Be confident and bold in what you do, and what you bring to the table, both at the office and at home.

Not only will this make you happier, but it will make you more fun to be around, and ultimately a better partner.

It’s more than understandable or reasonable to want to make more money. We’ve all been there. But make sure you want to do that for the right reasons, and don’t hold your partner responsible for your situation.

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Have any feedback? I can be reached at scottmgilman @ gmail.com.

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A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.

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