Teacher: Welcome to your 3rd Grader’s teacher’s conference. My name is Mrs. Clark. It’s very nice to meet you!
Translation as heard by parent: Hi, my name is Mrs. Something that you’ll forget. It’s nice to meet the man that sired the child who will save the world!
Teacher: Now, here are your child’s latest reading scores. As you can see, he is making progress but there is room for improvement. Right now, they have an average score.
Translation: Your child reads so well he has to dumb it down, so the rest of the class doesn’t feel bad.
Teacher: He’s also having a problem with his writing. Here are some samples. Now, I’m not religious but it seems that your child is writing in devil script. Perhaps that is something you can work on at home?
Translation: Your child is divine.
Teacher: Let’s move on to math. This is an area that your son is doing really well in.
Translation: Your child is a child prodigy, and I am honored that I get to teach him. May I touch you so that some of your greatness can rub off on me?
Teacher: However…
Translation: Let me tell you even more ways your child is the pinnacle of human evolution.
Teacher: He seems to forget the number one a lot. I don’t mean just at the beginning. But on all levels. So, for him, there is no ten, the teens do not exist at all, and twenty one is just the name of a card game.
Translation: Your son does not believe in the singular but in the greatness of all. But they can only reach that greatness if they follow his lead.
Teacher: Now, on to their physical education.
Translation: His arms are nowhere near as powerful as yours. I would ask if you work out, but it would be a redundant question. Is it hot in here?
Teacher: He’s doing fine but seems to have a problem following the rules of any game.
Translation: Rules are for the weak, but we both know that.
Teacher: It would be helpful if perhaps you could go over with your son why it’s important to not throw baseballs at the other children’s heads.
Translation: Has your son signed his MLB contract as of yet? If not, it’s only a matter of time.
Teacher: And taunting is not really sportsmanlike.
Translation: He’s a great communicator.
Teacher: And he really should stop saying “I’m going to take all your women!”
Translation: Girls adore him.
Teacher: This brings us to the hard part of the parent/teacher conference. Your son’s behavior in the classroom could improve. We really need to improve your son’s listening skills.
Translation: His ears are immaculate. I’ve never once used that term to describe ears, and yet, here we are. I’ll say it again: immaculate.
Teacher: And he lacks the ability to follow directions.
Translation: He is an explorer into the unknown.
Teacher: Just a few of the things to work on at home.
Translation: School can’t keep up with his abilities and he finds himself unchallenged. You should take him skydiving.
Teacher: It’s great that you’ve taken the time, and I look forward to continuing to work with you for the betterment of your child.
Translation: I can’t handle this much awesomeness alone. NASA and MIT have decided to form a special workgroup to further educate your child. I’m proud of him, but even more so, I’m proud of you as his father.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock