Pastor Claims to Be Able to Heal People With His Farts

Do you feel that you have exhausted all of your options when it comes to receiving a faith healing for your lingering illness?

Look no further…

A pastor in South Africa claims to be able to heal people of their spiritual and physical problems with his farts. No… I’m not making this up.

Pastor Christ (yes, that’s his actual name apparently) Penelope, of SevenFold Holy Spirit Ministries in Siyandani Village, Limpopo, South Africa, has created a buzz online for his unorthodox method of healing people after a photo of him sitting on the heads of people, apparently farting on them, went viral.

Here’s the offending picture:

If you’re like me, you might have found yourself a little bit concerned for the well-being of the poor parishioner who finds themselves wedged between the floor and the pastor’s butt.

But there’s no need for concern. She may look like she’s having her head crushed under the weight of a grown man’s body, but she’s actually on the receiving end of Pastor Christ Penelope’s magical healing gas.

What is more, Pastor Penelope absolutely swears by this method of faith healing, insisting that he is simply obeying the will of God. When interviewed by South African Magazine, The Drum, he explained: “It started with Master Jesus when he stepped on Peter. It is the demonstration of God’s power. Just like God made Adam go into a deep sleep, it is a similar thing. God didn’t do anything with the body of Adam while he was on the ground in a deep sleep. He was not feeling anything. The Bible doesn’t say anything about Adam saying ‘God, you are hurting me.”

He continued, “When they wake up from the deep sleep, they will tell you that they didn’t feel anything. It is showing the power of God, and those who needed healing are healed afterwards and others get to manifest at that moment. Remember when people try to tarnish your image, that is when he shows his glory. As long as souls are won into the kingdom, he who sits on the throne laughs at his enemies.”

Yeah right…

I’m glad he cleared that up.

Now it makes perfect sense.

But just when you thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, according to Pastor Penelope, farting near the person’s nostrils is important so that the “healing power” can enter the body to do its work.

If you happen to believe that the very idea of someone releasing their poo particles up your nostrils is neither a smart, pleasant nor therapeutic exercise, then you might be surprised to learn that Pastor Penelope has a two-month waiting list for people who want to meet him to get farted on.

Some people even collect his fast in jars (presumably for later ailments). Just crack open that jar and inhale deeply. Might be a decent side hustle for anyone looking to diversify their income?

Some of you have read up until this point in the article believing that it is satire.

You would be wrong.

This is a true story.

And, by the way, I think the fact that vulnerable people are sucked into believing this stuff really, really stinks.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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