Paved Paradise Syndrome: Why He Only Respected You After You Left

Sometimes, I swear I feel like I’m cursed. I’m one of those people who usually gets treated like dirt until years later, when people finally realize my value. Then, all of a sudden, they want to connect with me.

Of course, I’m done with them by that point.

I’m rare because I often am this person when it comes to friendships, not relationships. In most people, this is what happens when they are in relationships — and it’s painful and perplexing.

It’s super common to have happen, especially when it comes to women. To a point, I came up with a phrase that describes this situation and why it happen. I call it “Paved Paradise Syndrome,” as in, they paved paradise to put up a parking lot.

Let’s look at Paved Paradise Syndrome as it happens.

Jody and Angelo started to date. At first, Jody wasn’t totally interested in Angelo. She was dismissive. This only made Angelo want her more. Jody gives in and eventually fell in love with him.

Then, the problems started.

Angelo starts to ask Jody to do things she’s not comfortable with, but she does them. Why? Because she loves him. Eventually, Angelo stops being thankful for them. In fact, he’s starting to act cold and dismissive towards Jody.

Jody starts trying to get Angelo’s attention back. She diets. She starts wearing heels around the house. Heck, people are amazed that she looks so great. Angelo seems unfazed by her, even revolted.

He mentions stuff she should wear, she wears them. No dice. She keeps bending over backwards for him, but the more she tries, the less he wants her. They now have a dead bedroom. Angelo won’t even touch her.

Eventually, Jody is a depressed, self-conscious mess. Depression gives way to rage, and she decides to leave him. She starts putting stuff in the works. Jody gets a better job, starts making arrangements for an apartment, and gives no attention to Angelo.

Miracle: Angelo suddenly starts getting lovey-dovey.

Unsurprisingly, this sets Jody off. She starts a mad tirade about how long she wanted him to act like this, and how he treated her like shit. Angelo is aware of what he did wrong, but never cared about it.

He’s now in full admiration of Jody, going so far as to tell her that she “looks so beautiful” as she packs the rest of her bags. He begs, pleads, and whines for another chance.

Jody leaves. Angelo begs for her to come back, but she’s not stupid. She knows it’ll go back to Angelo’s disgust if she does.

So, what’s going on here?

First off, I want to say if you are Jody, this problem doesn’t reflect on you. Nothing you could have said or done could have ethically made this person like you.

Some people crave abuse or see relationships as a power struggle. This is what the Angelo’s of the world are all about. They want someone who hurts them and is clearly not interested in them. Knowing that, I should explain why this happens.

Chances are, the person who does this to you has major problems with their insecurity and narcissism. Narcissists tend to enjoy crushing boundaries (like Angelo did) and also tend to like the idea of devaluing a victim after they get their narcissistic supply.

But, it’s not just a symptom of narcissism that you might be seeing at play. There are a lot of people out there who do not respect anyone who actually cares about them. They are constantly in need of a chase in love. If they get loved, they assume there is something wrong with the person who cares.

These are people who genuinely feel they are unlovable to the core. When you feel that way, you’re going to start taking out that self-loathing on others. They will punish people for liking them. It doesn’t make sense, but they can’t believe they are worth loving.

Sometimes, this behavior also has a power dynamic. People who have fucked up views on love (due to propaganda, a personality disorder, or abuse) tend to assume there has to be a winner and loser in each relationship. Some people withdraw affection as a way to win.

In other words, they’re paving paradise to put up a parking lot. They think they’ll have paradise after the lot has been paved, not realizing that they never really treasured what they had until they pushed it away.

Is there anything you can do to end Paved Paradise Syndrome?

Honestly, it’s not on you to fix a relationship with someone who has Paved Paradise Syndrome. They don’t want a healthy relationship, even if they claim they do. The truth is, they will never treat you well unless you abuse and ignore them.

That’s no way to go through life, and it’s fucked up.

If you notice someone disrespecting you or treating you badly after you do good things for them, run. Seriously. End it fast. Otherwise, you’ll watch as your relationship worsens until it finally remains a simple shell of what it should be.

Don’t feel bad about breaking it off with someone who has this issue. It’s not your fault, and it’s not your responsibility to teach them to love you right. Your responsibility is getting away from them so you can find a partner who’s good for you.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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