Pay Attention to These 7 Behaviours Within Your Relationship

Dating isn’t easy; the older you get, the harder it gets and the more desperate you become.

When you finally meet someone after months or even years of being single, your hopes are sky-high, and you throw yourself into it with enthusiasm and high expectations.

I know how hard it is to find a decent relationship. I also know how it feels to desperately want to meet someone.

Maybe they are the “one”.

In the first few months, you focus on all their good points, convincing yourself that they are the one. The honeymoon phase is bubbling with the excitement of getting to know each other, lust, smiles, butterflies, and good times (by the way, if it doesn’t have any of these things, call it a day right now, it’s not going anywhere). You start to get the “feels” and settle into a relationship.

Inevitably, the more time you spend with someone, the greater your chance of getting into a disagreement and discovering a few niggles. You are two individuals coming together into one life, you are not clones of each other, and there will be differences: most of which you will find charming and attractive and some you will find challenging. But even the challenges can be positive, as these differences enable you to grow as an individual.

However, you need to pay attention to the below list of behaviours because they rarely have a positive outcome unless you can confront and deal with them together.

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Disregarding your feelings

Even if they don’t understand your feelings or agree with them, they should take the time to listen to you and take them into account.

How you feel should be important to them, and if you are feeling down or upset, they will want to make you feel better.

Your feelings are yours to understand and deal with. No one else should have the power to make you feel better or worse, BUT that’s not to say your partner can’t help you do this.

If they do not attempt to listen to how you are feeling, or they say or do something to make your bad feelings worse, it’s a cause for concern. If you let this continue, you also end up ignoring your feelings, bottling them up and eroding your confidence and self-esteem.

Being rude to your family and friends

This shows a lack of respect for the people who are important to you and, therefore, a lack of respect for you.

Whether they like them or not, they should be making an effort to get to know them and find some common ground so that they can get on. The fact that you love these people and enjoy spending time with them should be enough for them to see something in these people that they can agree on — how great you are.

I know everyone jokes about the in-laws; some may have legitimate reasons for not getting on. However, when you are first in a relationship, there will be no reason for them to dislike your loved ones or be rude to them.

Over time, it makes get-togethers and family events, which should be full of love and enjoyment, uncomfortable, usually resulting in you seeing your loved ones less and less.

No compromising

Compromise is a big thing in a relationship. Two individuals spending lots of time together, making joint decisions, will always throw up the odd need for compromise.

Healthy compromise doesn’t feel like you are missing out too much and is not filled with resentment. Your partner should want the best for you, and vice versa, so compromise is simply finding a place in between where you both feel that you have been listened to and your needs have been taken into account.

A lack of compromise indicates a belief that their needs are more important than yours, and if you keep giving in to them, you are just feeding this belief which will grow stronger. Before you know it, you will be stuck in a relationship where you have no say in what you do, when and how.

Changing your plans

Things crop up, and plans have to change, but this should only be an odd occasion. It shouldn’t be the norm.

You should be a priority in your partners’ life, and as such, your plans together are important and not subject to change unless you both decide to do something different or something urgent and beyond their control comes up.

If they are constantly changing your plans, especially at late notice and without warning, they are showing that you are not a priority in their life. The more you go along with their lack of commitment and put up with being let down, the more they will mess you around and undervalue your time.

Never paying their own way

We have come a long way from the man having to pay for everything — in terms of gender equality and relationship demographics. The way finances are worked out differs between every couple.

However, the divide between who pays for what and when should be something you agree on and feel comfortable with. Your partner should want to treat you and pay for things as a sign of what you mean to them. The same goes for you wanting to treat them.

If they’re happy to let you pay for everything, it shows a belief of entitlement and comes with a warning sign. If you go along with it, you are setting yourself up for an uphill struggle. They will continuously want and expect more. Nothing will ever be enough, and you will become resentful, drained, and broke!

Never accepting responsibility for their actions

We are all responsible for our own actions. The results of our actions are ours to enjoy or deal with.

We can all make mistakes, overstep the mark, unconsciously upset someone or misunderstand something. When this happens, we accept responsibility and deal with the result of our actions appropriately, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel.

If nothing is ever their fault, they shift the blame to you or someone else or dismiss their behaviour because “it’s just the way I am” they are showing an inability to take responsibility for their actions.

If this behaviour continues, you will constantly find yourself trying to right their wrongs, which will become more frequent because there is never any consequence to them.

Lack of trust

Trust is built over time but should be a part of a relationship from the beginning.

Your partner should display behaviours that prove you can trust them from the start. Behaviours include doing what they say they will, not letting you down, and keeping your private life private.

They should not make you feel insecure in your relationship or question their intentions. Similarly, they should not be displaying a lack of trust in you.

Trust is a two-way street; if it’s missing on either side, it will cause stress and confusion, damaging the relationship with each other and yourself.

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The more you let them get away with these behaviours that all cause some upset, distress or fear, the more frequent they will become.

They all stem from a lack of respect and value for you, and by letting them treat you this way, you are showing yourself the same lack of respect for yourself and undervaluing your worth. This forms a vicious circle that becomes more and more severe, eroding your self-esteem and self-worth.

Not all are a case of run for the hills, though. Some may stem from a need for and knowledge of how a healthy relationship works. Good signs include listening to how their behaviour makes you feel and trying to adjust their actions.

If they try to see it from your point of view and, in the process, mention a couple of things you do that upsets them, pay them the same respect and reflect on your own actions.

If they try to turn it all around onto you — get out.

Relationships are two-way streets, and each one is as unique as those in it. There is no cookie-cutter approach to a healthy relationship. Having said that, uncontrollable anger, cheating and lying are all behaviours that should be non-negotiable. You do not accept them and, if displayed, are cause to end the relationship.

The main question to ask yourself is this:

Do they make me feel safe, loved, cherished and free to be myself?

If the answer is no, there’s work to be done.

It may just be a communication issue, so you both need to learn how to communicate your feelings, needs and wants.

If you feel uneasy communicating such things because you feel uncomfortable expressing your needs and wants or feel unsafe doing so, you need to take a break or end the relationship. This will give you the time and space to work on the most important relationship of all — the one you have with yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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