We all create and attract our environments. The world we live in on a personal level, our little personal ecosystems, are reflections of us. Some people live so unconsciously that they don’t realize that the daily stressors and frustrations that they manage are there to show them what is inside of them that needs to be changed and confronted. So instead, they just continue to engage the cycle in the familiar way they always have, accepting that this is what it is. They’ve lost themselves in the external environment and in the relationships that are in that environment. These become codependent relationships. In these situations, whether it be with a spouse or children, we think that we need to manage the other person in order to find our own peace.
“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” — Proverbs 23:7
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” — Romans 12:2
“Suffering does not diminish in intensity when you make it unconscious. When you deny emotional pain, everything you do or think, as well as your relationships, become contaminated with it. You broadcast it, so to speak, as the energy you eliminate, and others will pick it up subliminally. If they are unconscious, they may even feel compelled to attack or hurt you in some way, or you may hurt them in an unconscious projection of your pain. You attract and manifest whatever corresponds to your inner state. — Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
Whenever our peace is dependent on another person, and whenever that person has the ability to completely disrupt our peace at any moment in time, we are in a codependent relationship. Parts of our self are lost, and we need to reclaim those parts little by little.
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” — Proverbs 29:25
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control.” — 2 Timothy 1:7
In terms of relationship on the romantic level, we have two nervous systems, reflected in two different environments, trying to come together to create one. If I walk into an environment with somebody whose peace is constantly being stolen, and that creates chaos for me, I have to accept that that’s their environment. But I don’t have to accept and change who I am to engage in the chaos. I need to continually manage my own environment, and this is where boundaries come to play. But if you are not using the relationship to help yourself set better boundaries within your environment, and therefore reclaim parts of yourself, then you are not going to be in a very healthy, sustainable relationship, and you sure are not going to create one healthy relationship.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23
“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no.” — Matthew 5:37
My environment is peace, and I bring peace where I go. But if your environment is relatively unstable. I’m happy to help be a stabilizing force, however, if for you stabilize means I must join you in enabling it, then I must exit. Simply fixing the symptoms of the chaos in a moment doesn’t fix the chaos. It just resets the cycle. I have no interest in that lifestyle of unconscious living.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” — Matthew 5:9
“The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:7
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. They happen because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past, not enough light to dispel the darkness. You are not fully here. You have not quite woken up yet. In the meantime, the condition of mind is running your life.” — Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, p. 228
“Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” — Ephesians 5:14
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” — John 1:5
“Once you learn to live as your true self, you can never be satisfied with this charade again: it then feels so silly and superficial.” — Richard Rohr
“Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life… and put on the new self, created after the likeness of God.” — Ephesians 4:22 — 24
My problem is that I feel like I know my true self to a greater degree than I ever have. But there’s still a part of me that wants to make everybody else into my image. I just need to focus on being, not focus on getting other people to be with me. So many people live the charade — distractions, avoidance, simple daily pleasures — to try and provide some medicine for the stressful day-to-day grind that they live in and perpetuate in their lives. And this frustrates me, especially those that are close to me who I want to see what I see. I want them to live by my value system, to agree to it. I am doing exactly what I’m accusing others of doing. I suppose this is a part of my false self that continues to try and exert power in my life. It is that codependent power that somehow is afraid of being alone. I just want to fix people, but I think that fixing is not really fixing at all, but trying to talk people into being like me and seeing what I see.
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” — Matthew 7:3
“Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy.” — 2 Corinthians 1:24
Perhaps what I should do is what I’m learning to do, and that is to let them be, and for me to just be myself. Drop this compulsive need to gather a team around me of people who love me for what I make them into. And just be. Our beings don’t need to be in competition. But if I’m able to just be, and stop with this drive to get you to see what I see so that I can have the validation of your approval and agreement, it will allow things to work out in the way they should, also freeing me up to be more of myself than I already am.
“Be still, and know that I am God.” — Psalm 46:10
“If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” — Galatians 1:10
Freedom in Christ, living in the love God, is the only way out of the charade. But false self attachments abound in our lives — find them and cut them off. First from subconscious ownership of your nervous system, then see if they dissolve or change in accordance with your rising conscious practice. If they come along, they are from God. If they fight your peace, keep your peace and continue to disconnect.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” — Galatians 5:1
“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.” — Colossians 3:15
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Milada Vigerova on Unsplash
