Teenagers…ugh, right? How many of us have them, or have had them and thought, “I just need to survive this…and not kill them, and things will get better.”?
There have been those moments for me, to be sure.
The older I get, the more I observe behaviors in the parents of teenagers. And I have noticed a pattern that is worth noting.
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People who hate their teenagers usually behaved badly as teenagers as well. They slept around, did drugs, or blew off their schoolwork and wasted those precious years of education.
They likely got cheated on by their boy/girlfriends, never felt understood by the adults in their lives, and had fair-weather friends.
And…they are now fearful. They are terrified, deep down, that their child or children will make the same mistakes as they did. And it is likely they will.
Because fear does not solve problems unless it is paired with inquiry and action.
If parents never do the hard work of diving deep and understanding why it was that they did what they did, or why they felt like they felt, then they still have NO idea how to prevent it from happening again.
And the cycle continues. And it will keep continuing until someone along the line gets sick of it and decides that there must be another way, and “goddamnit, I am going to figure it out!”
It is not out of desperation so much as out of anger.
Anger can be a powerful motivating force for good. It breaks cycles every day and sees that healing begins.
The fear of that cycle, paired with no introspection, is why parents hate their teens.
If I had a penny for every time I heard a mom complain about their teenage daughters…I could sink a battleship.
These moms and dads struggle because they, themselves, have not yet found their own power. They have not done the hard work of discovering their greatest strengths, their power to heal, and see their children thrive.
It takes a lot of thought, effort, and love to see our children thrive. It also takes time. That is, unless you want your kids raising themselves…which is why society is how it is in the first place.
To be a conscious parent requires that we look at ourselves, our weaknesses and fears, and use our strengths to overcome them. We prevent so many of the mistakes of our youth from being repeated when we do this.
Hating on our kids, calling them names (to others or to their faces), is not conscious parenting. We are speaking only out of fear. We are traumatizing them, plain and simple. And then, we have that mess to clean up, too.
A mom I know, who has a very, very messy background, called her daughter a whore to her face, not long ago. I don’t know about you, but the fury that I felt rising in my body when I heard this was not to be tamped out. It was like a forest fire in Rocky Mountain National Park. It was very, very alive.
No, I have not had a talk with this mom. I know it would do no good. Instead, I stay close to the daughter. I try to give her a chance to have real, honest conversations with someone who won’t make fun of her emotions, and who won’t tell her she is bad in any way.
Because she isn’t. But she is headed that way…at least into making bad decisions. She is a beautiful girl who needs structure and boundaries and lots and lots of unconditional love. Every single teenager on the planet needs that.
I wish it were easy. It’s not. By the time they are teens, they have learned not to trust people, typically. They have learned to tune out our screaming. Our expectations, not met with the needed support, have already failed them, repeatedly. So, they are done listening to us.
Teens need good food. They need dinner times with parents. They need sleep. They need to know you care, and often. They need so many things I don’t see them getting.
And yes, I still have two teenagers and sometimes they are as annoying as hell. Sometimes they are overwhelming. But they are always amazing. They keep me humble and teach me all kinds of ways I can do things better. It is not an easy road, but I birthed them. It’s my job to learn with them.
All of that aside, there is something else that is imperative:
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Parents need a village of support. And this support needs to be different than they are. Some people in the village need to help hold the standards and back up the parent. BUT, only when that parent is being rational and their decisions are not fueled by fear. Those decisions are not healthy for either party.
A parent needs other moms and dads to listen to them. But more than that, the child needs other moms, dads, and teachers, to pitch in and help coach, mentor, and love them. One parent — and most families only have one — is not enough. No matter how you look at it.
When my kids were growing up, they had many, many good, solid adults in their lives. Between my family, church, and the community, I was very supported. And my children always had someone they could trust, even when we didn’t see eye to eye.
During the divorce from their dad, they still had a village of support. And so did I. It was the most terrifying time of my life. I was not the kind of mom I wish I could have been. However, others picked up the slack and my children knew they were loved. Because the village reminded them.
The village reminded them of how hard things must be for me, their mother. They helped instill compassion where there had formerly been only anger. Resentment had no place to grow.
I know I was super blessed. But I also know it wasn’t free. My work in the community, and my work at relationships with my family and friends all paid off. And it is still paying off.
Yes, there are days when we will all dislike our kids. And that’s okay. Just make sure that there is someone in their lives to love them when we just can’t find the energy. Make sure we have people to care for them like we want to, but are incapable of at the moment.
As I have written before, they didn’t ask to be born. It’s our job, but also our greatest joy, to see them thriving and happy. We don’t get to quit on our kids, ever. That’s not a thing.
Find your support system and use them to help you get through these tough years. You’ll never regret making sure your teenager feels loved, even when you can’t do it yourself.
We were not meant to do this life alone. We were meant for connection, for relationships, for love. But love is hard. Love takes effort. And that’s okay.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Creative Christians on Unsplash
