First of all, sorry. Getting dumped is really shitty. Some have even lamented that genuine heartache affects your brain so much the body almost takes it as physical pain. As a man who’s been dumped a few times, I can totally see where you’re coming from. I have no inhibitions about talking about why I think I was dumped or the fact that my ass was dumped in the first place. I truly am sorry for what you’re going through, and I sincerely hope you find peace. One of the hardest things is planning a whole life with someone in your head only to find out they’re not going to be the one. Or that they might have ever felt that same way in the first place. It’s a rotten feeling.
‘It might seem hard now, you might feel worthless or unloved. But I promise one day you’ll look back and realize that this truly was meant to happen. I Promise.
But let’s get into this, shall we? If you’ve been dumped consistently. Let’s say the last four times different people have dumped you. Let’s try and get to the root of it and fix a few issues because you can’t change what they might have done wrong. But you can very much change some small mistakes you might be making.
1. You think you “have them.”
I never get the mentality of taking it easy when you’ve got the person of your dreams. And people just like to joke and talk about it as if it’s funny? So weird. I’ve seen so many memes when people say, “How I look when I’m in a relationship vs how I look when I’m single.”
I just don’t understand. Why would you stop doing the things that you did to win them over in the first place? A lot of people get dumped, and a lot of marriages end because people stop dating each other. They stop taking care of themselves, and they stop making an effort, going the extra mile, and really going out of their way to be a better person and partner. They forget all the things they did to initially garner the person’s attraction and just expect it to now be a cakewalk. A relationship takes action every day.
When you think you have someone and you two will live happily ever after, that’s when the excruciatingly slow process of falling out of love begins. So when someone lets go of themselves physically, it’s not the end of the relationship, but it’s the beginning of other things. When someone stops actively listening, it’s not the immediate end, but it’s the beginning. When someone just wants to be a hermit and stop adventuring, when that’s not what you both did in the beginning, it starts. Ultimately the way you won each over is now non-existent, or you barely do it. These are all compounding effects that lead to a devastating end.
You might think these things are superficial, but they matter. If you start taking it easy if you stop making an effort, and you forget that you’re with one of the best people you could ever be with. You’ll lose them.
You will.
2. You’re not “you” anymore.
Relationships are kinda weird sometimes. Because people want to be with you all the time and go on all the wonderful adventures. But you always need to maintain a healthy balance of independence. What I found happening myself is I would date women for the first 3 months. They’d tell me they were always at some event or hanging out with friends or with family and we had a perfect balance cause I was busy too. But then after 3 months, they’d want to hang out every day! I remember thinking, “Yo ain’t you got a life”. I have so many things I have to do. This blog, recording and planning content, writing books, work, gym, reading, guitar, family, and friends. When women I dated just wanted to hang out all the time it was draining and kind of a turn-off.
You need to have your own life and perfect balance. If you cling on to everything they do and don’t have a small facet of independence, they will eventually lose respect for you. It would be foolish and arrogantly presumptuous of me to put a timeline on when this would happen. But eventually, they would clock on, and a small bit of attraction would fade away.
I’m not saying you have to be Johny Adventure. But you need to have some sort of life that is consistent and doesn’t fluctuate. You bring the person in and you make time for them. But you don’t stop seeing friends or family. You don’t let your hobbies or passions take a back seat.
There’s an old story. Where a man is enlisted to go to war, his girlfriend says she’s going to miss him so much, and she wishes he didn’t have to go…
He finds a way to dodge the draft.
Eventually, she dumps him for someone else, and that person gets drafted.
Why did she dump him? He had no backbone. None of his own morals to stand on. You must eventually learn how to blend each other’s lives whilst still maintaining a strong sense of ambition, purpose, and drive.
3. You get controlling
We’ve all been there. You’re dating one of the hottest people, you’ve ever dated at the time; they’re funny, and attractive. Intelligent and everything you’ve ever wanted, right?
But because of this, you know that everyone out there will sell their left kidney just to be with this person. So what do you do?
You get controlling; you start asking weird questions, “Who you texting? Where you going? With who?” and all the rest of these slightly controlling questions. Or maybe you ask to look at their phone.
Yikes.
You try and socially isolate them. Because you just like it when it’s you two. They’re the center of your world, and you refuse to let other people get in there. Do you make them feel bad if they don’t invite you out with their friends? Insisting they spend all their free time with you.
This is a tricky one cause some people do it cause they really love someone and they’re incredibly insecure. But unfortunately, more often than not it’s the latter and it’s controlling manipulative behavior. If this is you, break the cycle.
Now! Please!?
No matter what you say no matter what you do. They’re gonna cheat if they’re gonna cheat. Look at Adam Levin for goodness sake was married to a frickin Victoria’s Secret Model. But that did not stop him from having multiple affairs. There’s nothing Behati Prinsloo could have done to stop him. Controlling will only push people further away.
4. You’re a shadow of who you used to be
When this happens people who you’re with lose respect for you. Cause that’s not who they fell in love with. Some love endures and can make it through this, sure. But explain to me how many people have the balls to actually tell someone they’ve fallen off and they’re not the person they once fell in love with. How many couples come clean that they need to see marked improvement from their partners completely falling off of the wagon?
Not a lot.
Life is hard, trust me I get it. But allowing it to beat you down and crawl up in the fetal position isn’t going to make anyone fall head over heels for you.
You’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to be emotionally vulnerable, and you’re allowed to have moments of weakness and pain. But when this becomes who you are. When negativity is your default, it ceases to build attraction and slowly kills off the chemistry that once got you together. This is why self-development is a key concept in life people must get on board with.
Ultimately I want you to avoid the mistakes you keep making. No ones going to tell you this but me. I tell you truth so you can change.
It’s the only way.
You’re not perfect. You’re still growing and learning. I respect the hell out of that, cause I’m in the exact same boat. But please remember what you have or what you’ve had and do what you can to self-reflect and make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I want the next one to stick for you!
I know it will.
If you want to learn more about this, feel free to grab a copy of my book, all about dating. If not, find a book that works for you and helps you grow in the way you were always meant to.
Want to hear more dating and relationship pieces to get your dating up to your standards? Feel free to stalk my social media IG, Pinterest, TikTok, and Youtube.
Thanks for reading!
T.H.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Mike Lloyd on Unsplash
