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When a website listed poets I know—those who have sexually harassed/abused/molested—I went back to the website daily to see if my name was there (yet) as a perpetrator. I kept visiting the website precisely because I knew that there were instances in my life where I made people uncomfortable and violated consent. While I had spoken of one of these instances publicly before, there was still the fear of being called out and of the repercussions of the same.
I know many men who can relate to this. I am sharing my experience for men who want to do better.
As a male-presenting body, when I was called out on social media eight months ago for violating a woman’s consent, my first reactions were of fear. There was fear of how my social life would change: will friends leave me? Will the labels, ‘perpetrator’, ‘molester’, ‘harasser’ always stay stick with me? Will this be the only lens people will use to look at me? Then there was guilt accompanied with self-flagellation, there was self-pity, and lastly, self-victimisation. The first few days after being called out, each message and a phone call would cause anxiety: was it another friend severing ties?
If you have been called out, maybe you are feeling some/all of these things. It is alright. I urge you to shift your focus from yourself, from your instinctual gut reactions to the person(s) who have called you out.
Being called out will make you feel defensive. It will make you think that you are better than what is being made of you, that you have done good things. The time to focus on your positive qualities and behaviors is not when you have been called out for your actions that were harmful to another person. It will be extremely difficult to shift your focus. However, from my experience, this is the only way you will be able to deal with your past, how to process and seek change within.
Ask yourself the difficult questions. Ask yourself, why is it that someone has called me out? Is it because of a personal vendetta? Not likely. Some woman has called you out so that other women/people do not have to suffer the pain of what they went through because of your behaviour. Much the same as how you would warn your friend about another person having done something wrong to you, so that your friend does not have to go through the same. Doing this will allow you to see the sense in why #metoo is happening. As a lot of women have said, this has been long due.
Continue the self-interrogation. Did you take certain things for granted? Has your sexual behaviour been predatory? Have you looked at women as sexual objects meant for your pleasure?
Being called out first makes you feel fragile and vulnerable. It can be a chance at bettering yourself, a chance at becoming more sympathetic and empathetic to the person you have harmed. Know that you cannot undo the harm that you have caused, but you can prevent additional harm to the same or another person. Don’t act on your feelings. Slow down. This is a moment which is going to demand your patience.
Taking time for self-reflection in the months after I was called out allowed me to have conversations with women, most of whom have been friends. These conversations and therapy have helped me understand what I did wrong and why. Re-education in matters of consent has helped me to navigate through my emotions of vulnerability and to better understand and support the true victim/survivor.
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While the #MeToo movement has done something stunning and powerful for survivors, there has been no guide for perpetrators who want to change their ways after being called out.
Learnt from personal experience and facilitated by conversations with a lot more women, these are some things which you could do.
1. Do not respond from a place of fear. Do not react. Sit with yourself, slow down. Try to remember all the moments where you think you have violated any kind of consent. (I agree that this would require us to understand consent. And unlike as I believed earlier, consent is not grey. Men have wanted it to be so that we can get away with our shitty behaviour. Consent is clear. And specific. But this article is not for that. I think a lot of powerful women have written on consent like here, here, here and here. The internet has many more resources on the same, if one wants to educate the self. I found South of Forgiveness a brilliant example of how a man owns up to his past behaviour, while it is also an example where the woman has put in a lot more emotional labour which cannot be taken for granted.)
Even if you do not clearly think you have violated consent, trust what your body speaks to you. Is there anxiety in your mind, is there fear? The slightest amount of it would probably be a sign that, yes, there is work for you to do. If this is the case, sit with yourself and list down the moments you think you violated anyone. If you’re unsure of having received consent at any moment while making such a list, the chance is high that consent did not exist then.
2. Sit with your emotions. Ask yourself as to why is it that you did violate someone’s consent? The answer will not come easy, will not be easy, the process of hunting for this answer will most probably be painful. It will take time. Sit with it. Maybe find a friend who will hold you accountable and talk them through this process that you are undertaking for yourself. The answer will appear.
For me, it has been selfishness. The selfishness to disregard another person’s comfort. This stinks of male entitlement. And while I may be confused about my chosen gender, in my daily presentation of my body, the world perceives me as male. This allows me a great deal of privilege.
3. Empathize. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you have harassed/violated/traumatised. While doing so to learn the exact experience is simply not possible, it may allow a certain amount of realisation of the extent of hurt you may have caused. Know that the hurt is more than what you think it is.
4. Apologise. Unconditionally. Know and communicate what you’re apologising for. Do not render an apology which is or resembles ‘if I did something to hurt you, I am sorry’. No. Stop. You are apologising because you are hurt. Instead, communicate in your apology exactly what you are apologising for. Detail it out. Do not mince words. If it is gruesome for you to say what you did, imagine how difficult it must be for the person who had to bear through the pain you forced them through. Say, “I am sorry for ___. I realise I have caused pain and hurt. I realise I have contributed to your trauma. I am willing to make amends. Let me know if there is something I can do to repair the damage that I have caused.” And do it, push yourself to move out of the mould of your past behaviour. The change will not happen overnight, it will take time. But continue remembering actively what you have done, it will help amend your behaviour. (If there are things which you think can possibly help the person, offer that. Choose to put as little emotional burden as you can on the person you’ve hurt. But he wary that you do not presume. That is essential. )
5. Stop self-pity. It will appear. Know that this moment is not about you.
6. Stop guilt and self-flagellation. It is another way to make the incident about you, but this time, it is not about you. It is about the person you have caused pain.
7. Take responsibility for your action. I learnt this from a friend, she spoke to me of the difference between feeling guilty and being responsible after taking ownership. Here are some examples:
A. Offering to contribute financially for the person’s therapy, if they are going for therapy to heal themselves of the trauma you have caused. (this will further be situational)
B. Moving away, stepping aside if your presence is triggering the other person. How would you know if your presence triggers them? It is not very difficult to know. Many of the lessons learnt in what is consent can help you here. See if their body language changes in your presence, see if they are avoiding you. If you feel that your presence is triggering, learn to leave. Learn to occupy less space. This is equality in practice.
C. When women speak, listen. Attempt to believe, before questioning. Listen to listen, not to question/respond/disbelief. They may have some horrible things to say about your friends/ yourself. If that is the case, it will be difficult to listen. But push yourself in this moment.
D. Learn about consent. (You do not have a choice anymore. If you do not, not only will you cause more harm to people, but also the chances of you facing the repercussions are higher now than they were a few years ago. So, if not for others then for yourself, learn about consent. Visit feminist spaces, learn to listen and not take male privilege for granted. I promise you, you will have a lot to learn after you keep your reservations and myths about feminism aside. No one is male bashing here, at least not unfairly)
E. Be a part of the change. This is probably the most important step in taking ownership. When you see the men in your life make fun of other women because they are women, learn to speak up. When you see rape jokes being exchanged on WhatsApp groups you are a part of, type and say that this is not acceptable. When you hear a man slut-shame another person because of their being sexual, step in. Call them out. Ask them not to repeat this behaviour, at least not in front of you. This will not stop soon, you might also possibly be made fun of. People will say you can’t take a joke. But ask yourself, how much more difficult is it for a woman to speak up in the same situation? This might help.
F. You have made mistakes. You will possibly make a few more on your way to become better. Know that. Do not expect that you, your language, your actions will change overnight. It will not. But be present in the moment, be more aware and ask yourself to do better. Your abuses directed at women might come again, and you may stop mid-sentence. Give yourself that time, but keep striving to be a better man. This is the only way.
G. Reflect closely. Do not take nurturing from a woman for granted. I remember how a female friend had to point out to me that there is google for all the difficult words I don’t understand and keep asking her to explain. I realised I was being lazy and my laziness meant more work for her.
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Most emotional nurturers for us men have been women. Learn to recognise that. Learn to see that. Learn to try and be emotionally nurturing as well. How to do that is something I don’t have a clear answer for, that is something I’m still learning.
Know that your masculinity is not dependent on your being macho, in the man who will claim more power than women, who will occupy more space. This will only cause women harm. Nor does it lie in protecting her unless she asks for it specifically. Healthy masculinity is visible in how we treat each other equally. Create situations which are not harmful, especially when we are in a situation of decision making. We will need to follow that up with finding ways to make decision making more equal. And find ways to heal yourself of the burdens patriarchy has left on you.
This article is only an attempt at becoming better. I am sure, there is much that I have to learn. But, I recognise that the burden of educating me cannot be left on the women in my life. This is one step towards contributing the knowledge that already exists.
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