Let’s get one thing straight: I absolutely hate when someone says they’re going to play devil’s advocate for a minute. In other words, they are going to disagree for the sake of disagreement — to put us in the position of defending our stance whether or not they agree with it. It is a pet peeve, but I also believe it is a red flag for relationships.
The Origin of the Devil’s Advocate
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the devil’s advocate was a real position in the Catholic Church. It was a position established in the 15th century to investigate the life and the miracles of candidates for sainthood. In other words, the devil’s advocate was meant to find flaws in the candidates that could disqualify them for canonization.
While that position was practically made redundant in the 1980s, the idea of the devil’s advocate still holds a place in pop culture for being a person who argues against groupthink by asking critical questions in support of examining all sides of an argument before coming to a conclusion. That might not sound harmful, but experts say that it can be. Here’s why playing devil’s advocate is a relationship killer.
Why the Devil’s Advocate is a Red Flag
I am not a person who enjoys debate simply for the sake of it. I do enjoy intelligent conversation, and I don’t mind when someone disagrees with me, provided their argument isn’t rooted in bigotry. However, when someone regularly plays devil’s advocate, I see it as a red flag for the relationship.
It Invalidates Our Feelings
I am a believer in facts and science. I am also a believer in the validity of our feelings as human beings. If my facts or science are outdated, I’m fine with being corrected. However, my feelings don’t need correction. They don’t need to be adjusted to fit someone else’s perspective. Our feelings are valid — even if they aren’t understood by others.
The devil’s advocate excuse is often used to invalidate us. It’s used to tell us that we shouldn’t be feeling whatever it is we’re feeling. That we’re wrong about our own lived experience. No one should have to justify the way they feel just for the sake of debate.
It Asks Us to Contribute Unpaid Labor
When someone plays devil’s advocate, they are asking us to defend our position. The devil’s advocate is an entitled position. We’re being asked to contribute unpaid labor to educate someone else — even if that person agrees with us. It’s an academic exercise meant to either weaken or strengthen our argument, but it does show entitlement to expect someone else to do the work of explaining both sides and offering justification for our opinions.
Women are expected to do more than our fair share of labor in relationships. For instance, in terms of housework, we’re expected to have to ask a partner to do their part and to tell them what to do. Apparently, it’s a reach to just expect them to equitably contribute to a household they live in. The same is true when it comes to the holidays. Women often are the ones making plans, buying gifts, and wrapping them. We’re doing the work but not getting credit for it. So, no, we don’t have to defend ourselves because someone else wants to have an argument. We already give far too much of ourselves in unpaid and unrecognized labor.
It Threatens the Safety of Relationships
A devil’s advocate threatens the safety of relationships, according to researchers. It antagonizes the other person and can damage self-worth, safety, and belonging. Experts have also clarified that taking the position of devil’s advocate when we don’t genuinely support our own argument isn’t at all persuasive and instead simply causes frustration. There’s no purpose to the argument other than creating discord, and it can actually damage the relationship.
We should feel safe discussing our thoughts, feelings, and ideas without worrying about having to defend every single one of them. It’s emotionally draining, and it gives the person who is playing the devil’s advocate the opportunity to instigate conflict without accountability. We don’t feel safe when our partners keep creating opportunities for disagreement rather than connection.
Choosing Connection Over Conflict
In healthy relationships, each partner looks for a way to connect, not a way to start conflict. People who offer an opposing argument to stimulate conversation may not realize that what they are doing actually discourages connection. Some people might enjoy debate, but for many of us, the idea of picking apart our belief systems purely as a thought exercise is repugnant. It assumes that our belief systems aren’t well-thought out already.
I’ll give a good example of this with religious solicitors. I, personally, find them appalling. When someone shows up at my home with the intention of marketing their religion, they are making an assumption that I don’t have a belief system myself — or, conversely, that my belief system is wrong simply because it differs from their own. It’s invasive, and it’s also offensive.
The devil’s advocate is doing the same thing. They are making assumptions about the way we think and believe. They are suggesting that our belief systems are either flawed in some way or that they are wrong simply because they are different.
While thinking critically about our beliefs is important, a discussion about what we believe and why we believe it is far more helpful than simply playing devil’s advocate. A discussion allows room for us to understand and connect while an argument merely creates frustration and resentment in relationships. The devil’s advocate was made redundant by the Catholic Church. Maybe it’s time that pop culture put it to rest, too.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Attentie Attentie on Unsplash
