In the first three posts in this series, I described thirty traits and behaviors characteristically displayed by authoritarians. In the next series of posts, I want to examine a few of these thirty in more detail, because some of them are a little less obvious and well-known. For example, the extent to which trying to abide by an authoritarian’s rules irritates and upsets him, rather than pleases him, is a little-known part of the authoritarian puzzle.
Trying to follow the strict, punitive, and arbitrary rules laid down by an authoritarian is painful and difficult enough. When those rules are also selectively and hypocritically applied, that adds more pain. And when those rules aren’t really rules at all but rather means to an end, existing not because of some underlying value or principle but in order to justify punishment, that adds an especially toxic element to the situation.
Authoritarians, who may or may not have any personal interest in abiding by rules, love rules for other people. The more quixotic and unclear the rules, the better, since quixotic, unclear rules are the least possible to follow. Such rules are inevitably broken, opening the door to punishment for the rule-breaker. For an authoritarian, the rules are there to be broken, so that punishment can follow. This dynamic helps to explain why an authoritarian is so often irritated to the point of violence when a rule is followed, since he was hoping for a violation and an opportunity for punishment
Likewise, this helps explain why you can never get the praise you were hoping to receive for following an authoritarian’s rules. Following them doesn’t please him, it upsets him! This is another reason why close contact with an authoritarian is so wounding. When a child tries his best to follow the rules and is not only not rewarded for his efforts but instead is mocked, ridiculed, or in some other way demeaned, he grows smaller, weaker and less competent.
Respondent Alice (to my Authoritarian Wound Questionnaire) explained:
“My father-in-law was an extreme authoritarian. Everyone in his family tried to live by his rules, because punishment was severe if you violated them. Breaking the rules cost you a volatile verbal assault followed by days of silence and a cold shoulder. I was subjected to this after I married into the family and the longer I stayed married to his son, the more I was treated as a natural, real daughter, which you may guess was not a bargain.
“Once everyone finally learned the current rules so as to keep peace with him, he changed them to something else without notifying anyone. No one ever knew what we had done wrong when the volcano exploded and the silent treatment fell. My sister-in-law and my husband and numerous others in the extended family were exiled for periods of time, varying from a few days to years, and no one ever knew exactly what it was that had touched the expulsion off. In fact, after a time, it seemed as if someone ALWAYS needed to be in the penalty box with my father-in-law.
“It was very hurtful in numerous ways, and the older my spouse becomes, the more prone he is to re-enact these behaviors with his loved ones and friends, especially after his father passed away eight years ago and he no longer has the reminder of what it feels like to be on the receiving end. I clearly do not understand it. I cannot imagine the payoff. I cannot imagine that it’s more satisfying to be continually right than being loved. It is a very hurtful legacy that this man has left for those behind.”
The reservoir of hatred that is one of an authoritarian’s most salient characteristics requires that an authoritarian find ways to exact punishment. He needs to find fault almost more than he needs to breathe. To make sure that you are regularly at fault, he changes the rules. This dynamic addles the victim’s mind. Especially if she is a child, she is bound to wonder why she can’t do a better job of following the rules, why her objectively small errors or missteps produce such huge reactions and such severe punishment, and why she is the object of so little love and so much hatred.
Respondent Dolores explained:
“I grew up with an authoritarian father. The relationship haunted me for years, well into my adulthood. Now, as someone mature at least in years, I can look back with some sympathy towards the twenty-something person that was my dad when I was little. He must have been miserable in his failing business and the rocky relationship he had with his own father.
“I always knew in some way that he took his frustrations out on his family, but I must admit, I had never considered the possibility that he relished administering punishment. That is such a disturbing thought; and yet, when I consider it, I can see that he had a sadistic streak. I can think of several examples, but I will stick with one. For a number of years his favorite tool for discipline was a thin, rough cut, black stick of plastic with sharp edges, about two-and-a-half feet long, that he nicknamed, ‘the Shillelagh.’
“When threatening us, he used to slice this thing through the air and it made whooshing sound that simply terrified everyone in the household. And he was always threatening us, because we were always breaking one rule or another. I don’t remember ‘the rules’ being laid out in any consistent way and I was often completely unaware of them until I violated one of them and suffered the consequences. A lot of times it felt like the rules were made up as we went along, like some type of perverse game where my dad as the rule-maker would always have control over us to do whatever he wanted to.
“My father could be so charming and loving and then turn in an instant into the cruelest person you’ve ever met. You just never knew which personality you were going to be dealing with or what would set him off. Living with that kind of uncertainty as a small child felt soul-crushing. And the results were drastic and dramatically negative. You don’t just walk away from that experience unscarred.”
An authoritarian I knew operated in the following way. He ate whatever he wanted to eat and weighed a good hundred pounds too much. Under the guise of “creating healthy children,” he made up preposterous eating rules for his children, for instance that they could have exactly two potato chips each while he sat there eating a whole bag himself. His wife smiled at this; no one dared say “This is unfair” or “This is preposterous” or “You’re a hypocrite and a tub of lard.”
Eating three potato chips got you a beating. But, since the beating was the goal, eating one potato chip also got you a beating. Getting potato chip crumbs on the rug got you a beating. Even accidentally breaking your potato chips got you a beating, all under the guise of “teaching good habits” and “not spoiling the kids.” And if you managed to eat your two potato chips perfectly, that would infuriate him, since you’d ruined his opportunity to punish you. There was no way to successfully eat those two potato chips, which is why his children hated those potato chips. They were no treat—they were exactly the opposite!
Some authoritarians really do care about the exact nature of their rules, either because rule-making and rule-adhering are among the ways they are dealing with anxiety or because some important principle, value or belief is at stake. The same need to manage anxiety that explains classic obsessive-compulsive behaviors like obsessive handwashing explains some of an authoritarian’s behaviors. Likewise, if you truly believe that there is a god who will be infuriated if you eat meat and dairy at the same meal, you are bound to fly off the handle at the sight of your child’s roast beef-and-cheddar sandwich.
These three “reasons for rules”—as opportunity for punishment, as anxiety management, and as expression of belief—can exist in one-and-the-same person and often do. One rule may exist to manage anxiety, a second rule may exist because it flows from a powerful belief, and a third may exist as an opportunity to punish. This helps to confuse an authoritarian’s victims even more. Unaware of this dynamic, they must stand mystified as they experience some rules as ironclad and others as changeable and whimsical.
Part of the process of healing your authoritarian wound involves coming to understand that you had no chance of getting it right vis-à-vis your authoritarian’s rules. It was never the case that following the rules better or toeing the mark better was going to spare you or win you some approval. You had no chance. And if you are still dealing with the authoritarian, you will want to look at his or her rules in this new light. Break the spell of believing that getting his rules right will get you what you want. It flat-out won’t.
If you’ve had the experience of being harmed by a family authoritarian—a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt or uncle, partner, adult child, etc.—or by someone else close to you—a cleric, teacher, boss, co-worker, etc.—I invite you take the Authoritarian Wound Questionnaire, available here. I also invite you to tell your story, as it is long past time that we got this epidemic of wounding exposed—and ended. Come back each Thursday to read more about authoritarians in the family and please think about taking the Authoritarian Wound Questionnaire and about telling your story.
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This post was previously published on Psychology Today and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: iStock
