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I hear so many of us proclaim that this is the most difficult time for relating with each other in modern history; that people have never been meaner, that communication has never been worse and that we are more divided than ever.
What if there is more to that than just “people are mean?”
What if they are right, but that there is also a larger opportunity in all of this?
What if this is just a huge breakdown, allowing for a breakthrough that will have us feel more connected, more loved and more understood than ever before?
You may be asking “How are love and connection even possible with so much hate in the air?”
The answer is in asking ourselves the following questions: What if, we dropped out guard? What if we turned towards each other? What if we got so interested in each other and so committed to their healing, that nothing else could get in the way? What if we replaced “What about me?” with “What about you?”
Consider that politics, race, religion, gender, and sexuality have divided us because we approach them like we do sports teams: us vs them. Our human condition is to find “those that are most like us,” so that we fit in somewhere and are safe. This practice, known as tribalism, has us find our group and then support that group at all costs. It does not matter if it is race, religion or the streets we grew up on, we find ways to band together and “fight against outside threats.” While this is a basic animal instinct we can see out in the wild, from packs of dogs to guerillas to bees, the fact is that humans are able to access different levels of consciousness than animals are; we can consider the greater good, we can strive for self-mastery and we have the capacity to love and care about more than just ourselves and our communities.
To be very clear here, I am not saying we are all one and we should not see color; I am saying we are all one and we should recognize and acknowledge all of our different colors.
Instead of imposing the idea that we need to all fit into the same box, because “that’s what love would do,” what if we became so interested in our differences, instead of feeling threatened by them, that we turned toward each other? We can do this, you know, and it is incredibly more honoring. What if you asked more questions of the person whose truth you are most afraid of hearing? What if you were to seek to understand another person’s experience, instead of immediately trying to “help” them heal it? What if there is nothing for them to heal?
There is a particular set of beliefs and catch-phrases by certain members of what has come to be called “The White Spiritual Community.” I bring this up, not as a “call-out”, but as information. From this community, you will hear things, such as “I don’t see color,” “we are all just souls in an arbitrary human suit so none of this matters anyway,” and “if we keep talking about racism, it will perpetuate it.” I call bullshit on all of this and here is why: These particular statements come from a position of self-imposed superiority and require nothing of the person saying them. They place the entire responsibility on those who have been oppressed by the system, without any action required by the oppressor—those who benefit from the system.
The statements I shared are often referred to as “spiritual bypassing” and/or “blaming the victim.” I have even seen the attempt made to make the case that “groups are arbitrary” and everything is up to the individual. To this, I say, “Even if the groups are arbitrary, does it change the experiences of the people in those groups?” Nope.
What I have seen work, again and again—the only thing I have seen work consistently—is being willing to drop all pretense and really listen to other people.
There has been more healing, more love, and more progress made when the conversation has been “tell me more,” versus “this is what you need to do (based on my never having walked in your shoes.)” They like to say that the categorizing of people based on color, religion, etc., only creates more division, and that we need to stop. I say it creates an opportunity for us to learn more, see more and love more about each other. Understanding all of our cultural differences give us so much more depth as the human race, it does not matter how many letters are added to “LGBTQ,” I want to know what those letters stand for and how the people represented by them express themselves. I like to think of it like this: I have a recipe for my own home-made fried chicken, that I came up with my learning about and experimenting with different ingredients. In a skillet, I cook the chicken in coconut oil; I season with salt, pepper, garlic powder, turmeric, and paprika. I do not have a big jar called “Seasoning,” that contains all of these ingredients. I incorporate each one, knowing the flavor they individually add to the whole.
When we stop trying to fix everyone else based on our own standards and start seeking to learn more about each other, that is love.
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