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Recently I had the opportunity to attend a bachelorette party. Before the drinks stole the evening, like most events involving relationships, I was asked to offer advice. Without notes or even blinking, I asked the women “do you understand the power of apology?” Looking puzzled, one person laid her glass of Rosa onto the table and responded, “Never go to bed mad at each other.”
This is historically accurate. However, I was looking to dive a little deeper into the meaning than the norm. I wanted the bride to get it, to have a light bulb moment and remember it during challenging times in her marriage. Apologizing can be difficult. You want to sound sincere and be forgiven. Finding the right words to express your concern and validation should be taken very seriously. How you apologize will determine how it is perceived.
Determined to keep the energy positive and lighthearted, I shared a story with them about a couple that was deciding if divorce was the way to go. Their relationship had experienced its ups and downs, and they felt that it was too far-gone to reel it back in. The young lady shared that although the both of them had said and done some pretty negative things, she felt that her reactions were merely due to retaliation. She mentioned that she had been stating for years, please don’t yell at me when you’re having a difficult afternoon or something breaks or if you make a wrong turn. Her issue with his short fuse seemed to cause her to withdraw, spending lots of time alone or with friends. This in return caused greater issues and more frequent arguments. Each time she would reiterate the fact that she’d been hurt. And he would always reply you’re always saying that I’m such a bad person. Well sorry, you feel that way.
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Throughout the time of turmoil and friction both of them felt misunderstood. But the biggest issue is getting defensive. Once one gets defensive, without even realizing it, walls are raised, and it’s tough to hear through them. Although present in the conversations, they never feel the need to take the other person’s feelings into consideration, leading to the feeling of nowhere to go but away from each other. Taking the time to hear honestly what your partner is saying without judgment gives you the opportunity to feel. In these moments you’re able to identify with what’s really happening.
One afternoon, another argument found it’s way back into the marriage. This time, she decided to list all of the times she’d been hurt. She went on to ask, why does my pain bother you? “Why won’t you acknowledge that you’ve hurt me?” Explaining, “I’m not saying that retaliating was the right thing to do.” “However, one can only take so much.” “I want you to know that I still love you and want nothing more than for you to be happy no matter what.” He replied, “I hear that I’ve hurt you, and I am really sorry.” “I felt that owning up to what you were accusing me of meant I was admitting to screwing up.”
Finally, it was like a light had turned on in his head. At last, he recognized that she wasn’t trying to make him out to be the bad guy. She was seeking validation and responsibility. She could barely finish her story; I could see that her overflow of tears was clearly a sigh of relief. She stated that after hearing those words she exhaled and literally within moments was prepared to let go of the anger and resentment towards the man she had been so in love with since a whopping two months after meeting. He got, he said it!
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The one thing she’d wanted more than anything, a heartfelt apology. That recognition closed sealed the dark whole in her heart. She knew that if it were sincere, she would feel it. And sure enough, she did. Her husband has changed how he responds in difficult situations. He even teases her saying I know I know it’s not what you say it’s how you say it. The ladies were a bit teary-eyed. Not only were they ready to pump up the party but also they enjoyed the story. The Bachelorette was a mess. I asked, “why so many tears.” She looked me straight into the eyes and said, “the exact same thing that happened to me before I said YES! Her fiancé’s apology had mended her broken heart, and they’d found their way back to each other. Now everyone was sniffing. But that was very short lived, one loud clinking of the glasses put the party right back into perspective!
A brief sorry you feel that way is just as hurtful as no apology at all. This statement has no feeling behind it. And it feels much like you’re annoyed that your partner has expressed their feelings. When you actually care for someone you’re compassionate towards him or her. You’ll want to see them happy and hate to see them hurt. Remember you do have the right to get upset at situations. How you react to them will determine the outcome.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Women also need to learn how to do a proper apology. This article seems to suggest that men are the only ones that have to apologize.
John, thanks for your comment!
How you react to situations determines your outcome. The young lady who was hurt explains that she was wrong for retaliating. The key here is to validate each other’s feelings and accept responsibility for your actions. These all play a part in apologizing.