In Part 1 as well as the companion piece (see below), I talked about the specifically sexual side of the equation. Today, I’m (finally!) getting around to the other stuff.
Advice for Good Men Who Have Trouble Attracting Women (Part 1)
The Way of the Selfless Lover
medium.com
6 Tips to Boost Your Confidence as a Lover
For the Goodhearted Man
medium.com
In Part 1, I described a key change in how I saw myself:
I was no longer just a goodhearted man; I was a selfless lover. I knew I had something to offer women sexually. Something that would give a woman good reason to get naked with me, because it would be a beautiful experience for her.
That went a long way towards getting me to feel good about myself as a man. (And not feeling good about myself as a man was definitely holding me back.) But as I also said in Part 1:
I don’t want to give you the impression that this one change was all that I needed to change my romantic fortunes. It wasn’t.
I’m now going to share what else helped me to feel good about myself as a man, before I got to the point where I was able to attract the kind of woman that was good for me.
1. Be nice, but from a place of strength.
Would you rather be nice because you’re worried about gaining and holding on to people’s approval, or because you feel comfortable in your own skin and want to help others feel good about themselves? This is an important distinction that a lot of men don’t get about being nice: if it’s from a place of weakness (“I’m being nice because I’m counting on you to give me validation”), women get turned off. But if it comes from a place of strength (“I’m being nice because I believe in myself and want to be a force for good in the world”), it projects a vibe that enhances your attractiveness. That vibe may not be enough to make you attractive to tons of women, but like I said in Part 1, the quality of the women you attract is more important than the quantity. So how do you go about being nice from a place of strength? That brings us to my next tip.
2. Build your sense of self-worth on a foundation that no one can take away from you.
From a young age, I knew I was never going to be good at “being a man”. The main reason being that I was Ferdinand the Friendly Bull. Competitiveness brought me no joy. I hated the feeling of losing as much as anyone else, but winning never gave me a commensurate sense of satisfaction. It felt hollow. Yet the messaging coming my way was relentless: “Girls don’t have to be competitive if they don’t want to, but as a boy, you get no such luxury. You have to be competitive every g*ddamn f*cking moment of your life.” So I tried, but my heart was never in it. (I’ve always had a strong aversion to trying to be something I’m not.) Consequently, the word “loser” got tossed my way a lot, and I developed a deep-seated inferiority complex about my masculinity. Maybe some of you can relate. But even if you can’t, I’m sure you can see how learning to feel good about myself as a man wasn’t going to be an easy task.
The first catalyst came when I was in high school, when I discovered Aikido (a Japanese martial art). Up to that point, I was a lonely boy who was deeply conflicted. Part of me longed to be accepted by the other kids at school, but another part of me didn’t want to fit in because it knew that I was meant for something bigger. At the same time, I felt a profound sense of emptiness and desolation, because life had yet to show me anything that made me excited to be alive. But getting into Aikido changed all that.
I was learning to move my body in ways that I had no idea were possible. Not only that, but the movements themselves were aesthetically pleasing, and they made me feel euphoric in a way that no other form of exercise ever had. And — here’s the kicker — it wasn’t about competition! Halle-freakin-lujah! (I mean, I loved The Karate Kid as a cinematic experience, but the idea of fighting in tournaments held zero appeal for me.) For the first time, I felt there was a reason for me to be excited about life. Furthermore, in the words of Obiwan Kenobi (from the very first Star Wars film), I had taken my first step into a larger world. A larger world in which my high school was a tiny, insignificant pond. As for my schoolmates? To borrow a line from Hamlet, I realized that there were more things in Heaven and Earth than were dreamt of in their philosophies. So I started to see my lack of validation from them as inconsequential. The part of me that knew I was meant for bigger things had been vindicated. Not that I knew what all those bigger things were, but that didn’t matter; I knew I was on my way. That’s how I able to start being nice to people from a place of strength.
The transformation I just described is highly personal. I get that. But here’s my takeaway for you:
No one understands the mysteries of existence so profoundly that they can definitively say you’re worthless.
If someone tells you you’re worthless, all that means is that they can’t see your worth. And so what if they can’t? Neither they nor anyone else have been anointed by God, or any force of cosmic consequence, to determine who has value and who doesn’t. Have faith that you were put into this world, this life, for a reason. Even if you don’t yet have any idea what that reason is, just know there is one, take strength from that, and make it a priority mission of your life to figure out what you’re here for. Once you understand that your value comes not from other people’s opinion of you, but from the very fact that you’re here in the first place, then no one can take your sense of self-worth away from you, no matter how harsh their words — whether to your face or via social media. (By the way, for me, Aikido was just the start of that journey to discovering my purpose in life. The journey is still ongoing — which is as it should be — and I’ll be writing more about it in future posts.)
3. Let go of any bitterness or resentment you feel towards women.
As I mentioned earlier, once I started practicing Aikido, the kids at my high school no longer held any power over my self-esteem. But I didn’t hate them. I wasn’t bitter. A great burden had been lifted off of me, and that made me feel happier than I could ever remember.
If you want women to find you attractive, then bitterness is a luxury you can’t afford. (Although I wouldn’t think of it as a luxury; it’s the emotional equivalent of a landfill.) If there are individual women in your life who have wronged you, then you should acknowledge that, and also acknowledge that you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. For a long time, I was haunted by a particular encounter with a girl in high school. She asked me if I’d like to go out with her on a date. This had never happened to me before. I said yes. But when I called her up later to make plans, she said: “Uh…that was a joke”. So that was great. As if I didn’t already have enough negative self-talk swirling around in my head, now I was saddled with yet another “helpful” thought: “If a girl shows interest in you, it’s too good to be true.” Yeah, that really did wonders for my self-image. (Oops, I seem to be dripping sarcasm; did I get any on you?). That was a sh*tty thing that she did to me. But here’s the thing: it was that one particular girl who did it to me, not the whole of womankind. The more I embraced the first two tips above (about the foundation on which to build your sense of self-worth and being nice from a place of strength), the easier it was for me let go of the hurt from all of the sh*tty episodes of my life. Not that the pain from those episodes has disappeared completely; I can still feel it to some degree even today, if and when I allow myself to. But I’m able to keep it from dominating my life.
4. Neediness is your enemy.
If you’re desperate to get into a relationship with a woman, you’re virtually guaranteed to repel women rather than attract them. I speak from experience:
Rejection Was My Personal Voldemort … Until I Defeated Him
Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash
medium.com
And nowadays, a lot of women associate desperation in a man with danger, because they don’t know how far you might go to get what you want.
Parting Thoughts:
Is it fair that you can’t just expect women to be attracted to you as you are? Fair or not, it is what it is. But let me ask you:
Is the advice I’ve given here and in Part 1 only useful to you if you’re looking to attract women?
Not depending on anyone else for your sense of self-worth is just a great way of being, period. It frees up so much energy (seriously, you’ll be amazed at how much energy you were expending on worrying about other people’s opinion of you). Overcoming desperation gave me peace. Resolving the conflict between my libido and my higher self gave me peace as well, but it also greatly enhanced my creativity and my ability to see beauty in the world. And being nice from a place of strength, instead of wallowing in bitterness, just feels so d*mn good! So if following my advice feels like too much work just to attract women, then don’t do it for that purpose. Just do it for yourself. For your own wellbeing and peace of mind.
Good luck on this journey. I’m rooting for you!
© Ben Rosenthal 2023
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Lauren Rader on Unsplash
