Presenting Our Emotional Vulnerability Does Not Have To Be Dangerous

For most of my life, no one in my family talked much about the essence of emotional vulnerability. I have been taught that being vulnerable emotionally is like being a wuss — a weak, pathetic coward.

So, for most of my life, I had protective walls around my heart and mind to prevent outside energy from throwing me off track. Finally, however, I met a girl — who eventually is now my fiancée — and I learned that letting someone in is a big deal not just for me but also anyone. It took me months to let my partner in, but I understand that because everyone is different, we all require different periods of time to grapple with it.

Why is that, though?

Why is it that it took me months to allow my partner in but one of my friends years before getting comfortable with the idea of coexisting with one another?

I guess that, at times, we find it difficult to let people in because we are wired that way from the day we are born. Our family culture (the dynamics between parents and children) and our childhood (the things or people we spend time with) also have a say on this. If not either of them, then perhaps it is the outcome of putting our shields down in the past or having experienced heartbreaks more than once in your past.

If you have constructed a formidable wall around your heart and are having concerns about permitting a small portion of it to collapse to allow your partner in, it sets a negative precedence on your relationship.

If your significant other does not find it difficult to be emotionally vulnerable, they can struggle to figure out why they cannot get through to their other half.

I observed that many people are having a rough time agreeing with the idea of vulnerability because, from their perspective, it is no different than a weakness. They have this notion that goes along like this, “If my girlfriend finds out my insecurities and discover my weak spots, she is going to think that I am not worthy of being hers.”

They believe their partner’s trust and respect will fade immediately. Additionally, they think that they will be seen as less of a person and be criticised. On top of that, they think that they are putting themselves at a higher risk of getting hurt when they open themselves up.

Innately, we boast about the exciting bits but not the difficult ones.

They are more than glad to disclose surface info about themselves, such as their favourite hobby or their job but they cacoon themselves when confronted with serious questions regarding topics that really matter in a relationship. For instance, things like how they have their heart broken in the past and their fears about being heartbroken in the future.

All they long for is their partner’s respect. Hence, they put up an impressive image and behave like they have everything in life figured out. However, what they do not realise is that someone who loves them will eventually find out too evidently when their true character is revealed.

Instead of the person they imagine their partner will view them to be, all their partner gets is a dead end, which is not a charming prospect if you ask me.

If you have encountered this issue in past relationships or are currently going through one, you are undoubtedly in the know that displaying emotional vulnerability is the path to a better connection with your partner.

Your previous relationship may even have concluded abruptly because you were unable to open up, but you still are uncertain over how to do so without going through another heartbreak.

Fret not; there are ways that you can hint to your partner that you are genuine about letting them in, even if you are still navigating this tricky terrain. And ways that you can teach yourself, slowly but surely, to trust in your partner — and in yourself — enough for the big reveal.

1. Tell them you are still grappling with vulnerability

Let us tackle the elephant in the room first.

A crucial, if not the most crucial step, toward a better connection with your partner through the domain of emotional vulnerability is letting your partner know that you find it challenging to overcome.

Chances are, they will have already figured it out for themselves. However, it may give their mind plenty of comfort to know that you are struggling to become emotionally vulnerable and not them.

Make it known to them that you are fully aware of the significance of emotional vulnerability and its role in the relationship, and you will do all you can despite the certainty that you will fail at times.

There is no need for you to elaborate too much if you feel uneasy, but it is beneficial to present them with a picture of where you believe your issues have emerged.

2. Be truthful when they ask how you are

One of the biggest components of emotional vulnerability stems from one’s sincerity. Unfortunately, however, it appears we are experts at keeping our feelings a secret from one another.

Typically, when people ask how you are, you reply with one word: “Fine.” That is all well and good, but what happens if you tell them the truth? I am pretty confident that they would be caught by surprise if you actually told them how much you are feeling like sh*t.

However, when your partner approaches you and asks how you are, do not quickly come up with a white lie just to rest her mind that you are okay overall when in fact, you are not. Tell them the truth. Tell them why. If you feel sad or teary, even if you cannot pinpoint the source, make it known to them.

By being sincere about something as seemingly inconsequential as how you are, you are making honesty a fundamental principle in your relationship as a whole. If you can let them know you had a terrible day and realise you are not being blamed, your confidence and trust in them will begin to flourish.

3. Do not lie to yourself

It is impossible that you will ever be able to share your deepest, most pensive thoughts with a partner if you are self-sabotaging by being dishonest with yourself.

We like to see ourselves as capable of convincing ourselves that the presentation we bring onto the stage for other people is actually the real thing.

Journalling is an excellent way to find out how you are really feeling. Get rid of the filter and let those raw thoughts out. Let them stick onto the pages of your journal. Do not think about how horrible your grammar is. If your thoughts do not make sense, do not worry about them.

The whole point of this exercise is to spot when you are being dishonest and remedy that when it comes into the picture.

Articulating how you feel to yourself provides you with a much better chance of opening up to a partner.

4. Expose your wildest dreams and interests

Sharing your insecurities and most profound phobias is not the core of emotional vulnerability. Do not forget about the exciting bits!

A fantastic way to open up to your partner is by disclosing the dreams you have that you may be hesitant to talk about. Perhaps you are fearful of people laughing at them or worry that they see your dreams as nothing more than childish endeavours.

If you have a hobby, an interest, or a top-level goal that gets you moving, but you have been keeping it a secret from the public, why not let your partner in on that secret?

They will sense as though they have obtained exclusive access into your world, and you will come to the realisation that sharing things with them is not as terrifying as you first thought.

5. Have a chat about boundaries

If you have concluded that there is something in particular you want your partner to know about, make sure you sit down for a chat with them at a moment when distractions are completely absent and the sense of time is lost to both of you.

Before that, determine in your head precisely what it is you would like to chat with them about.

Make an effort to focus on one topic per chat, rather than overwhelming them with numerous things all at the same time.

When you make your voice known first, let them know if there are any boundaries you would like them to be aware of and respect, such as not trying to offer you suggestions on how to make your life simpler or criticising you, even if it was done without intent.

When everything is lifted off your shoulders, be sure to let them know that you are appreciative of their support, respect and care.

6. If you have to cry, go ahead

If your tears are on the verge of spilling over your eyelids, why are you still holding them back? Let them flow down your cheeks.

Crying is not a weakness; it is a cleansing process for the mind and soul. If tears well up, they are better channelled out than kept in.

Crying signifies that you are grave to acknowledge and embrace your emotions and share them with your partner.

Somebody who has no fear of crying and allows him or herself to genuinely feel makes for a better quality person to others than somebody who stubbornly declines to open up.

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Above all, take it slow and steady

If you have read this far, thank you, and I am proud of you. You have already made an encouraging start.

You have acknowledged that you are still coming to terms with emotional vulnerability. That is the stepping stone to making changes that benefits you and your partner. It also represents the beginning of something you have always wanted: a strong, honest and open relationship.

However, do not rush into the process. The path to a better relationship is not a sprint — it is a marathon. Continue to take baby steps as you inch forward, and before you know it, you will be just where you want to be.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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