I would like to announce my candidacy for the office of president. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think the country needs somebody new, somebody different, somebody unusual. That’s me. Ask anybody.
“Oh, he’s different, all right. Let’s face it, the guy is unusual.” Everybody says that.
This isn’t my first attempt, either. I’ve been through some pretty tough campaigns, so I won’t wilt under the blinding glare of the spotlight. I might look away, it is a spotlight, after all. Plus, I will probably look a little too shiny, my wife makes me put on sunscreen when I go outside or stand under a bright spotlight.
While I have never won an election I have more than compensated for my losses by never even coming close. I am the ultimate DC outsider, and it isn’t just DC either, some members of my own family members don’t recognize me.
Why should you vote for me? Here are some good reasons.
I just want your vote, not your money. You’ll never get an email from me saying; “Just send $5.00 before midnight, if you can’t afford a fiver, send 4, or 3, 2 or even 1. Just send money, we are hemorrhaging cash. We won’t last a day without your help.” I don’t have all the overhead, no expensive consultants, or advisors, or hangers-on. Just me and a few trusted aides who know how to cook.
This campaign will be financed on recycled aluminum cans (now who’s the green candidate) and whatever change I can find after my… after our rallies. If you’d like to donate it’s easy, just buy me a couple of beers. Or, you could drop a few coins in the parking lot by the “Tim Clark for President Juggernaut.” No checks, please.
While I have never been particularly well informed and I couldn’t tell you the difference between a virus and a bacteria I’m proud to say I always listen to my doctor. Except for the hard things, losing weight, eating better, taking my medicine daily, but it isn’t because I think I know better. I don’t think he’s wrong, I just like a donut or a pizza now and then, I’d like one right now. I trust science and if elected I will listen to the doctors and the scientists. If they say you need to lose weight I will try to help you, I’ll even establish a cabinet-level position to call you every day to remind you to take your medicine. Because I care about you.
My administration will make sure the tax burden is more fairly distributed. Under my watchful eye, everybody will pay their fair share. Except you, but we’ll work that out after I’m elected over a couple of donuts.
I’m not in this for a career, I’m 61 years old, and I plan to retire in four years. There will be no re-election campaign, nothing to distract me from the awesome responsibility of presidenting (sp). From breakfast to lunch I will be in the oval office signing things, having meetings, hearing briefings, making ridiculously difficult decisions. I wonder what the president has for lunch. I would be willing to bet it is delicious. After lunch I will be buckling down again, renewed, reinvigorated, “the very model of a modern American president.” Until dinner. Dinner at the White House is probably amazing. Now, I can’t wait until dinner. I might have to sneak into the kitchen and see what’s on the stove… but I wouldn’t do that if I were president.
Trust me I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t need a job. Times are tight and nobody is interested in hiring a senior citizen with no marketable skills, whose only career goal is lasting until retirement I’m coming to you, the American people, to do the right thing and vote for me. I’ll do my best to not make things any worse, with a little luck they might even improve.
So, vote for me. You’ll feel better about yourself.
I’m Tim Clark and I approved this message.