I’m writing this whilst sitting in the residue or buzz of feeling slightly hard done by. I received a message this morning which, in all honesty, wasn’t fair. It hurt and I felt slightly triggered. I say slightly because, years ago, I’d have been very anxious right now for fear of upsetting someone — even if I knew I’d done nothing wrong.
I thought to use it as inspiration because life can throw us curve balls at times, which I’m sure we can all relate to. I know how important it is to be vulnerable in certain moments and with that in mind, I’m upset right now. I’ve had my feelings hurt. It’s not, by any stretch, a BIG life problem but it’s important not to diminish the times that we are feeling something, whatever it is. It’s very easy to brush off a little thing hurting us emotionally as not big enough to warrant attention, “just get over it, big boys don’t cry” jumps to mind. But, when we do that we are simply suppressing the energy of the emotion which, over time, compounds and then lots of little things come out in a big, sometimes seemingly uncontrollable, emotional outburst.
So, what are things we can do to accept a trigger, feel the emotion and prevent emotional bypassing or suppression? There are a lot of options which can be quite confusing but what I’ve found useful is to try different approaches and create a “go-to” routine for if/when emotional side-swiping occurs.
Here’s mine. I:
- Notice the trigger and take a deep breath (or three) through my nose.
- Say whatever’s come up out loud to acknowledge how I feel, even if it’s to myself.
- Whatever the feeling, I try and celebrate allowing myself to feel it.
- Depending on how triggered I am I might grab a pillow and shout into it. Try four times in a row.
- Give the energy of the emotion space to do its thing. The feeling will level out eventually. I keep breathing slowly and maybe do some stretching (the point of shouting is making more space too). I didn’t say exercise here because, although that will help, it can often be used as a sticking plaster to avoid the feeling. I did that with kickboxing for years.
- Allow time to be in whatever emotion has arisen. I then try and let myself really feel whatever’s there without judging it. Saying, “I hear you, see you, feel you, you’re welcome here and I love you” to yourself is useful for this.
- When ready, as in the emotion has levelled out (give yourself space for however long that takes), I make a plan to speak with whoever triggered me face to face or on the phone to constructively say how I feel.
Use the above as a starting point and through trial and error make it your own. Simply knowing you have a plan helps with emotional confidence.
The above are things we can do in the moment but there are proactive things also like meditation, sharing circles, cold showering, breathwork etc — these things all help increase our ability to hold ourselves when we do get triggered. Think of them as going to the emotional gym. Any questions, let me know.
As always, thanks for reading,
Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)
PRACTICE: The Emotional Gym
WHY: It’s good to work out and stretch our muscles. The exact same thing is true for our emotions. You wouldn’t just get up and run a marathon without training, would you?
HOW TO START: Find your own or pick one thing from my list above and make a commitment to yourself to do it. Same with the proactive things too.
Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach specialising in Vulnerability and Authenticity in Relationships and the founder of Plight Club clothing. His mission is to redefine vulnerability (as it’s the catalyst to our freedom). For more tools on tips to become better at expressing your emotions download his free e-guide here and/or visit his website here.
Living consciously and by choice instead of by habit is amazing but it takes practise. Adam will save you a lot of time and support you through the insecurity of change. If you’re curious about this work, book a free discovery call and he’ll answer any questions you may have…
BOOK A FREE DISCOVERY CALL HERE
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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