Not even Mr. Perfect can make it work when he doesn’t know what his partner wants.
Here’s a story, or rather, a modern fairy tale with a twist. The cast of characters is the usual: the glamorous heroine Julie (not her real name) and her prince charming Bernard (yes—you guessed—not his real name either). They meet, fall in love, overcome a number of obstacles (involving other people and long-distance flights) and finally get married. However, what happens next is a little different: eventually there’s a happily ever after, but first they have a few more issues to overcome before they get there (this time in their own bedroom and in their heads). So let’s start at the end…
I was recently having coffee with Julie. She sat opposite me, sipping her cappuccino, making sure to move her chair a little bit closer before she plucked up the courage to tell me what had been bugging her for the past few years. As her story unfolded, to my slight astonishment, I realized that her unrealistic expectations of sex, rooted in gender stereotypes, have made Julie’s and Bernard’s lives needlessly difficult for the full duration of their relationship. This was the stuff of Jessica Valenti’s books and The Good Men Project’s articles actually taking place in the life of a person I really cared about. What’s more, she was really feeling pretty down about it all because it led her to believe that there was something wrong with her, her husband, or possibly both of them.
♦◊♦
So, here’s the story. Julie and Bernard had been together for five years and married for two by the time we had this conversation. Julie complained how they never had sex anymore and she felt they should do it more often. Not necessarily because she enjoyed it, but because they were young and young people are supposed like sex, right? I told her that sexual temperaments are a very personal thing and that there really isn’t any magic number of sexual intercourses a couple needs to have to make sure they stay happy and satisfied. However, it turns out that the reason they weren’t having sex as often is because Bernard had no idea how to give his wife an orgasm and achieved this feat only a few times during the duration of their relationship. Julie felt that he should really know how to do it without her instruction. She believed that if she made it clear what she liked and how she liked it, this would make him less of a man and definitely less of a perfect husband.
She loved him a lot, you see. He really was her ‘Price Charming,’ a dashing, tall, dark, very intelligent man with an amazing career, who absolutely adored his wife. He was definitely Julie’s ‘one,’ therefore he MUST know what she likes in bed, right? I mean, he knew she loved to get roses for no reason, and he knew to buy wine for stay-at-home date nights. Of course, she didn’t expect him to know everything about her. And she wasn’t an irrational teenager, who had watched too many Meg Ryan movies, but an established career woman with a PhD in engineering. Nevertheless, she believed sex was somehow ‘different.’ It wasn’t something you talked about. Sex was something you did, and it should be perfect if your husband is, right? Well, actually…wrong!
The thing is, sex is definitely something that gets better the more you talk about it and the less you assume your partner should know. Men, even the best of them, are not born, or handed somewhere along the way, a manual of how to please the particular women whom they might want to marry. Or any other sexual partner for that matter. They might stumble onto the right technique, but more often than not, they won’t. A little guidance—be it verbal or manual—can go such a long way. Importantly, it does not undermine the lover’s skill or the quality of the relationship. The good news is, folks, it usually improves it. And I’m happy to report that Julie was convinced to finally sit down and have the five-year-overdue conversation with her husband. She had no idea things could improve so much, so quickly.
And that’s how Prince Charming benefited from some intimate, marital sex education. It’s not the stuff or your average fairy tale, but it definitely went a long way to providing them with a happier ever after.
♦◊♦
This (true) story is meaningful because, like any good fairy tale, it has a moral—however unconventional is may be. Namely, it shows the importance of sexual equality and communication. To me, these concepts don’t just entail the awful sexual double standard, which says a man’s sexual encounters (quantity over quality!) should be a source of pride and a status symbol, while a woman’s sexual activity is continually judged within the framework of the virgin-whore dichotomy.
There is also the more personal (but hey—the personal is political) issue of the socially-influenced sexual expectations we may have of our partners. Women are still expected to be “inexperienced” (or pressured to act as if they were) and perhaps not even like sex so much, while men should want sex nearly continuously and know all about. Needless to say, these stereotypes can damage real (sex) lives while propagating false ideas about human sexuality. And the solution, usually, is talking—talking about sex, talking after and before sex. The more we know and understand our partner, the less we have to worry about what is expected of us.
—Photo smarthero/Flickr
Hi Maria, I Loved your article…and so get the confusion as my sex education from my mum was “you lay back and think of England and allow your husband to have his way with you as it’s his right”…F*#k was she incorrect and lived in an unfulfilled marriage for 13 years till she had her first orgasm…and I want to employe Ladies/girls to explore yourself first and for most…if you don’t know how to use it and make you purr it’s certainly not up to him. Real men Love the guidance of what makes you hot hot hot and the… Read more »
“Men, even the best of them, are not born, or handed somewhere along the way, a manual of how to please the particular women whom they might want to marry. […] A little guidance—be it verbal or manual—can go such a long way.”
Somewhere, somehow, women have to learn what pleases them sexually before they can give that “little guidance” men find so helpful. Unless the women who’ve figured it out are teaching those who haven’t, where will the knowledge come from? If the men are so clueless, I mean.
Thank you, Jill! I think Colin, that you might live in 1940. A world where all feminists are hairy man haters and women never ask out men except at a Sadie Hawkins dance. Even as one of those attractive women near the top tier with more options, I’ve very often had to make the first move. I initiated sex with my current partner (he jokes sometimes that I got him drunk and took advantage of him…it was consensual, of course, but he thinks it’s funny for some reason). I asked my first boyfriend to prom, not the other way around.… Read more »
Right. The simple fact is that 99% of men do more initiation than 99% of the women. Only the most active women even do more initiation than the bottom 1% of guys. Women just don’t generally ask me out. That is the way it is. I am not an unattractive man, and I have never, not once, had a woman initiate something with me. Never. Women don’t go through the same thing because they don’t initiate even remotely the same number of attempts and they don’t get rejected nearly as often. You will almost never find a woman who has… Read more »
Are you part of a group/town/part of world where women who initiate are called desperate or sluttish? A lot of places still do have very traditional views and place blame on women who don’t go by outdated romance rules: You have to play hard to get. You can’t satisfy your sexual needs on an arbitrary date number or you’re a slut. Why are you putting out if he didn’t pay? That’s dumb and it’s not how any educated woman raised in an open environment feels, but it could play into a lot of women’s fears of initiating. If you’ve been… Read more »
I live in NYC so I don’t think I am part of a prude group or living in a prude area. Clearly it isn’t a lack of being attractive, I have tons of good looking gay men hitting on me all the time. I’m not experienced either, but that doesn’t mean that women are going to approach me; they don’t. I’m well dressed, tall, and pretty attractive, and not only do women not approach me, but the snub my attempts to approach them. Do I get nervous around them? I do now after having been rejected 138 times without any… Read more »
If a woman asked you out, Colin, would you say yes? If so, would you work for a relationship where the initiative was shared equitably?
Men who want egalitarian dating do not lambast women for not making the first move. They know the way the culture still works.
Almost certainly. Of course.
Blaming men for this issue prevents people from dealing with their own relationship problems. This couple had a weak relationship if she was unwilling, for years, to tell him about something that bothered her. Further, that the husband didn’t seem to care that his wife, for years, was not fulfilled sexually shows that they had a very weak relationship.
This issue had nothing to do with society and everything to do with a bad, weak relationship, and feminism does women a disservice by telling them that their issues are not their own.
Actually, feminism does women a great service.
Without feminism, women wouldn’t be able to vote, get a Ph.D., legally get birth control, move up in the high paid professions . . . and yes, women would have to view husbands as male tickets, not equal partners.
If our society was less patriarchal, I’ll bet that men would live longer and have fewer health problems. Most of men’s frustrations are caused by patriarchy, not feminism.
Blaming a problem on society or the patriarchy is not the same as blaming all men. Society or a patriarchy is composed of all sexes, and women that for example slut-shame are just as “guilty” as men are when they do.
The article says “is continually judged” and “are still expected”. It doesn’t say “by men”, and it doesn’t say “by those evil men who are all evil evildoers” which some commentators insist it does.
Great stuff Maria. I certainly agree that as a male with significant insecurities in the sex department, having a partner who cares most that your heart is in the right place even if you need a bit of coaching is the most important thing.
Thanks Tom! Also – I absolutely love reading your articles here at GMP!
This couple’s issues had NOTHING whatsoever to do with any of those “gender” issues. They were relationship issues. A good relationship can’t be had without open communication. If she was reluctant to talk to him for years about sex or anything else that troubled her, there was a relationship problem between the two of them. If that man could go for years not knowing for an absolute certainty that his wife was as or more satisfied with their sexual relationship than he was shows that there was a huge relationship problem between the two of them. Blaming men (i.e.… Read more »
@ Adrian – thanks for the comment! And I completely agree with you. @ Colin – You can post another dozen comments on how awful men have and how feminists hate (one probably a result of the other, to be sure). I’d just like to point out that today the World Bank Published its 2012 Report on Gender. It’s going to be a long shot if you try to accuse the World Bank of being a bunch of men-hating feminists and yet….Look what they found, among other things. -Women represent 40% of the world’s labor force but hold just 1%… Read more »
Not that I agree entirely with Colin, but your use of those three statistics it a bit unfair. We’re talking about relationships and experiences in the context of present day America. If you want to get into global gender issues, there are MUCH more important problems that women face than the virgin-whore dichotomy. Like FGM and rape and beatings and sex-trade. But if the scope of the discussion is zoomed in on our own frames of reference and the environment that these readers–including myself–live in (which is good because it keeps it practical and relate-able), then you can’t pull out… Read more »
You basically said what I was going to say about those statistics. They are completely and totally irrelevant in places like the United States.
Life is easier if you’re male?
If you call dying years younger than women easier.
Is it easier that 75% of murder and violent crime victims are male? Don’t think so.
Women control 73% of family income, men only 27%.
There are pluses and minuses. Two sides. But, feminists see it only one way.
That is one reason that the majority of women don’t want any involvement with feminism.
Maria, these facts are way too generalized to be of any use in determining who has it harder. First of all, you don’t give any corollary for the last two. For all you tell us, there may be 4.9 million missing men or half of men dying in their reproductive years. Secondly, the first datum would only be compelling if women worked as many hours or held as many high-paying jobs as men, which they don’t, and we have no reason to believe this is becuase “men are holding them down.” These are just quick complaints of your attempt to… Read more »
Perhaps men don’t have easier lives, but most heads of state, corporate CEOs, religious leaders, and presidents of non-profits are men. That’s why we say that men rule the world.
Many studies show that young girls are just as ambitious as young boys. But as they find out that most young men want to be the main provider, they start getting less ambitious.
Hey, Maria, I just wanted to chime in to say— great article. I understand where Colin is coming from, but in this instance I think he’s tragically off-base. While I agree with every single word of your article, I do have one quibble about your response to Colin’s comments. While I think that you remained laudably even-toned in the face of significant provocation, I just want to note that men are judged by sexuality just not in the same way that women are. As you correctly noted in the article, men are (also) held up to unreasonable expectations; mindreading, infallible… Read more »
significant provocation… really?
Okay, fair enough. But what if you have explained in detail and your guy is just too damned lazy or selfish but great in all other aspects? It’s too simple to blame it on the woman for not making herself CRYSTAL CLEAR after she’s done so for YEARS. I shouldn’t HAVE to get myself off everytime. What’s the point of having a partner when I could just do it for myself alone anyway. This article is written with teenagers and twenty-somethings in mind. Same old, same old. Finally, after decades, partner will put in 5 minutes of effort, but its… Read more »
If your partner is truly not interested in your basic sexual satisfaction after years, it might be time to carefully evaluate whether you’re truly in a healthy relationship.
If careful evaluation suggests that there’s a pattern of one unhealthy relationship after another, the problem is likely not solely with the nature of men.
I’ve been trying to get this across to some of my friends. I hate to see my friends in pain, but realizing that they may be priming themselves for unhappy relationships seems to be a real stumbling block. I suppose you could say blaming men is easier, but going through one unfufilling relationship after another is miserable. However, there was a mens magazine which polled its readership on how many partners a woman could have over a lifetime before being classed a slut. That number? Five. Over a lifetime. On the other side of the coin, I’ve never had a… Read more »
Thank you Aya and Jeni! I’m glad you liked the post. @ Colin – I really don’t know what to say. I thought anti-feminists got over the whole ‘feminists hate men’ in the 1990s. NO I don’t hate men – I’m actually very happily married to one. And yes – you can deny all you want but there is a sexual double standard and it is female sexuality that is judged more than male. Just tell me what is the word for a man who sleeps around ‘too much’? And why does it sound nowhere near as bad as ‘whore’?… Read more »
Feminists DO hate men. Not all, certainly, but the very definition of feminism is to advance the interests of women regardless of whether or not it deprives men of their own rights. Feminism has never been and will never be about equality. It is a purely pro-women thing. “Whore” is a word that is used to describe a woman who has sex for money. A woman who sleeps around is not a “whore”, and it has nothing to do with women specifically. Women are, in almost all cases, the passive person when it comes to dating and initiating sex. They… Read more »
Colin, I agree it is probably no fun for men to have to be the pursuer constantly risking rejection. However, it is not much fun to be a woman who might like to be bolder in initiating dates, but can’t because too many men believe that women who make the first move must be desperate, ugly, or slutty. I feel like a broken record sometimes on this board but I will say it again, men who complain that women have all the power in the dating world are only thinking about a small minority of very attractive women who are… Read more »
Thank you Jill! I think you reallly nailed it.
M.
The fact that you’re comparing not having someone approach you with getting your courage up to approach someone and being actively shot down and told you’re not good enough is more than enough evidence that you are coming from a warped position. I could make the argument that because women don’t ask men men are just as ignored and invisible as women until they actively make themselves visible and then get shot down.
Colin,
Some women may be passive in the dating arena and wait for men to approach them but I am not one of them. I have never understood this courtship/pursuit thing. Since I was 16 I have been the one initiating contact with the men who interested me most of the time. When I see something I like I go for it.
Oh, and I am a feminist and I don’t hate men.
Every woman claims she is the exception to the rule.
I’d also like to point out that you don’t stand up to gender inequality. Feminists only stand up to gender inequality when women are on the short end of the stick. I’ve never met or heard from a single feminist who supports of fights for the rights of men when they are the victims of injustice and inequality. How many feminists do you see crusading against the incredibly biased and anti-male family court system? What about the criminal justice system when you are guilty until proven innocent when it comes to women accusing men of sexual crimes? What about the… Read more »
Isn’t really worth *noting
I was going to step into this minefield.
Then I thought better of it.
Yay me!
Actually Julie, there was a survey here on GMP last month that pretty much determined that–at least in the eyes of the readers here–male and female “promiscuity” equally along qualitative lines: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/you-cant-measure-promiscuity/comment-page-1/#comment-43066
JFB
Great article, by the way! Romance isn’t a fairy tale or romantic comedy, and it’s naive to think that just because someone is perfect for you, great sex must just come naturally. Communicate!
Wait Colin, so you’re FOR the virgin/whore dichotomy? I don’t get it…
How can I be for something that doesn’t exist? Why don’t you ask me if I’m for or against unicorns?
This article was actually pretty good until you said “o me, these concepts don’t just entail the awful sexual double standard, which says a man’s sexual encounters (quantity over quality!) should be a source of pride and a status symbol, while a woman’s sexual activity is continually judged within the framework of the virgin-whore dichotomy.” and then it was just like every other BS piece I see on this site. You could have just left it as a decent article with a decent lesson on the importance of communication, but you HAD to insert some feminist bullshit into it.
I’m glad you liked (I’ll extrapolate from ‘pretty good’ to my benefit) my piece. That is, of course, until you got to the part I have a go at explaining the underlying causes for the situation I’m describing. You call it ‘feminist bullshit’ I call it sociology of sex and gender studies. You might think I’m full of feminist BS – I think it’s easier to work towards fixing and improving a situation if we can get to the bottom of it.
You’re citing “underlying causes” that simply don’t exist. Some nonexistent feminist bullshit is not the source of poor communication. What you’re saying is that men are at fault for women’s general reticence to discuss what they enjoy sexually. (I’m extrapolating too.) It is men’s fault (because we live in a patriarchy… obviously) that women aren’t comfortable telling men how they like to be pleasured. It is easier to fix a situation by getting to the bottom of it. Getting to the bottom of a situation, however, is different from making up a reason that blames a whole group of people… Read more »
“It is men’s fault (because we live in a patriarchy… obviously) that women aren’t comfortable telling men how they like to be pleasured. ”
I disagree with that, even.
Many women see it as a turn-off if they have to tell a guy what they want. They consider it a display of mate-fitness to be able to read minds. (Figuratively, of course.)
You’re citing “underlying causes” that simply don’t exist. Some nonexistent feminist bs is not the source of poor communication. What you’re saying is that men are at fault for women’s general reticence to discuss what they enjoy sexually. (I’m extrapolating too.) It is men’s fault (because we live in a patriarchy… obviously) that women aren’t comfortable telling men how they like to be pleasured. It is easier to fix a situation by getting to the bottom of it. Getting to the bottom of a situation, however, is different from making up a reason that blames a whole group of people… Read more »
Clearly, thoroughly debunking your based-on-nothing position is too much for the censors so I’ll just say this: blaming men for everything may be fun for you feminists, but it isn’t actually getting to the root of the problem. At some point, women will have to take responsibility for their actions and inaction. You can’t just blame guys for everything all the time. You don’t base your position on anything but a simple anti-male bias.
I don’t support Colin’s caustic tone, but I agree that this article could have been written about two people with communication problems without ever mentioning male/female stereotypes. Nothing the two say necessitates mentioning the male-prowess/female-slutiness paradigm. I file this situation under the extremely large heading in my brain titled “If you aren’t willing to ask for what you want, you don’t deserve to get it.” Not trying to be mean, but the tacked-on, “Oh, and there’s a virgin-whore dichotomy” makes the whole thing sound like it was written for an undergrad Women’s Studies class.
Now that I think of it, it might be worth pointing out that the title is pretty misandrist. I know I said feminism doesn’t need to come up in this argument, but the can of worms has already been opened. She can’t have an orgasm, so it’s “Prince Charming’s Bedroom Failure”? Way to defer responsibility.
I am so tired of the trashing of feminism on this website. Without feminism, the princess and her prince charming would still be leading lives of quiet desperation.
Feminism has no relevance in this issue. It was a relationship issue between two people. Period.
Good one! We’re all responsible for our own orgasms. If we don’t know how to give ourselves orgasms then we cannot expect others to do so. Men are not omniscient and every woman is different. It’s Julie’s responsibility to communicate to her husband does and does not work for her.