The Evasive 4: 4 Types of Dismissive Avoidant Love Partners

You often take a retrospective look at your relationships and point out the key moments that made or broke them.

The truth; was it was not that simple or microscopic.

I beat this phrase like a drum, but you’re looking at relationships from a view of emotional responses without having a deep understanding of the behaviors that lead to them.

You must view these behaviors through attachment theory or directly through your attachment style. Your attachment style is at the core of how you show up in relationships.

While you think you have met a bad match, you also could have had misaligned attachment styles that, with work, could have saved past relationships.

The good news is you can have a deeper understanding and recognize the patterns the next time they present themselves. Focusing on the dismissive-avoidant, look for these personalities the next time you feel misaligned.

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Traditional

The traditional dismissive-avoidant had a childhood or adolescent period where they did not receive a warm response to emotional needs.

While there are many triggers for the dismissive-avoidant, vulnerability can be most triggering for the traditional.

They can discuss avoiding digging into emotions as being logical instead of emotional.
Often needs space as a means to recharge. The alone time is not a break from you but an avenue to collect themselves.
Volatility in their relationships will cause them to shut down. If they do not see consistency, it will trigger them to find an exit.

The traditional dismissive-avoidant will show up in the initial stages of a relationship. When they see signs of the triggers above, it will cause them to revert to finding comfort in isolation and “space.”

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The social butterfly

Contrary to the breakdown of the name dismissive, avoidant, this type can thrive in social situations.

The difference is social connection vs. emotional connections.

This type of avoidant can enjoy deep intellectual conversations but can put up a wall when the conversation gets to be deeply emotional.
The dismissiveness kicks in when their trigger around vulnerability is open.
Since dismissive avoidants struggle to process their emotions, they will often find it odd how “overly connected” you are to yours.
You will often see that this person has a lot of contacts but very few people they connect with on a deeply emotional level.

The good news is that this type of dismissive-avoidant takes well to the thought of working on themselves. When dismissive-avoidants see a reason or a cause to do so, they can open up and allow someone into their space. The bad news; is if that trust in you is lost, it will be hard to get a second effort.

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People pleasing

The people-pleasing dismissive-avoidant most likely has emotional wounds centered around their view of a primary caregiver.

They indirectly witnessed emotional trauma but dealt with the residual effects of events rather than directly being a witness to it.

For example, they saw the emotional effects of a parent in an abusive relationship.
They will care about their partner going through emotional events but will often feel the burden of the weight of those shared feelings.
Ironically, this can cause them to shut down if they feel overwhelmed.

You might see what feels like a flip of a coin or hot and cold behavior. A partner who shows up when you are going through a rough time but can distance themselves when things feel heavy.

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The extremist

The extreme dismissive-avoidant knows their triggers but does not fully understand that they are emotional triggers.

They will fight hard against vulnerability, volatility, and high expectations but will not know these are core fears.

They will voice their desire to avoid deep emotional conversations.
Their fears can cause them to come off as hurtful and not caring.
The irony is that they are avoiding the pieces of their behavior that, if cured, would transform their attachment style.

It can feel like you are constantly fighting the extremist to hear your feelings and needs and open up themselves. You are going to get a fight in return for opposing your desire.

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Understanding your attachment style is not so you can remain stagnant and not make the behavioral changes needed to become secure.

Gaining a secure attachment style takes time, understanding, and a desire for change.

The good news; by reading this, you have already taken a step in the right direction.

Understanding your attachment style will help you recognize the behaviors you once thought were personal to you.

Once you recognize the patterns, the challenge is to fight your initial response and express the emotions that create the behavioral response.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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