Red Flag Words in Relationship You Shouldn’t Ignore

“I don’t get it. Why are you with me?”, Jeff asked Annie in an emotionally heated argument over exploring couples’ therapy.

Jeff claims to having tried therapy several times before. “It didn’t work.”

My guess is that Jeff didn’t find the right therapist. Or the therapist cared more about a regular income than they did about helping Jeff. Or Jeff wanted all the work to be done for him.

“I don’t deserve you,” said Rita after every argument she had with her sweet-heart of a boyfriend.

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The Monstrous Red Flag Words

I don’t deserve you. Why are you with me?

If your partner is communicating this to you at any point in your relationship, you need to pay heed.

It’s possible that you might need to reevaluate your relationship with them. Really take the time to ask yourself why you are with them when they are not sure about your presence in their life.

A mature person won’t say these words. Usually someone with deep emotional and psychological trauma would say them because they lack self-confidence.

If you have been kind, loving, compassionate and understanding of them, then it is not up to you to help them any more. They need to help themselves.

Jeff’s parents blame him for all their troubles. His mother is jealous of Annie. He’s fed up of their toxic behavior toward him, but his guilt makes him go back to visit them on holidays.

Him and Annie have intimacy issues. He loves to cuddle, but avoids intercourse altogether. He doesn’t talk things through with Annie. Annie is at her wit’s end with Jeff.

Individual vs. Couple’s Therapy

Jeff doesn’t have the courage to break up with Annie. This in and of itself is a sign of low confidence. Annie is willing to work with a couple’s therapist. But, can working on the relationship solve the problem if the problem lies at the individual level?

Couple’s therapy is good for couples for several reasons. Individual problems often rear their ugly heads during those therapy sessions. Willingness to do couple’s therapy should be important to both partners in a relationship. However, if only one of the couple is putting in all the effort while the other isn’t, the relationship is a titanic waiting to sink.

Personal responsibility can not be “handed over” to the relationship. Jeff needs to work on himself, just as Annie has.

Concluding Thoughts

When Jeff and Rita question their respective partner’s presence in their life, it’s a sign that they have some serious personal work and growing up to do.

Two mature adults make a relationship a haven everyone should get to experience. They know why they are with each other. And they check in with each other consistently by having uncomfortable conversations because they know uncomfortable conversations save relationships.

Todd and I are blessed to be in such a relationship. We talk about everything that is important to us.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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