Proof You Aren’t Viewing Closure Properly

It will bring you something other than the satisfaction you think it will.

You think closure will help you move on. It will tie everything up in a nice little bow. The problem is it won’t.

When relationships end, one person is hurt more than the other. The hurt partner is left wondering what went wrong. They want to know what they did. They think the answer to those questions will give them closure.

If you are clinging to closure, you don’t understand what it is. The longer and harder you search for it, the more hidden it becomes. You go looking for closure in other people and come up empty-handed. You’ll never find it that way.

What are some ways we trick ourselves into thinking closure will fix things?

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What is Closure?

In your mind, closure is the idea that you’ll get a complete explanation for why things are ending. You want the what, why, and how. If you get those, you think you can move on pain-free and go back to the happy, carefree life you had before.

That kind of closure rarely comes; it hurts like hell when it does. You’re inviting someone to tell you your faults while managing your broken heart. Is there a worse time to be told all the ways you fall short? No, there isn’t.

But you still think you need closure. You don’t want it for the reasons you think; you want it for different reasons.

The Easy Answer

The simple, straightforward answer is the answer you don’t want to accept. You think it has to be more nuanced and complicated. It’s not.

There is one main reason you want closure.

You’re using the idea of closure to keep hope alive. You want to get back together and think it’ll give you one more chance to plead your case. You can convince them to stay!

Or maybe your ex will see the error of their ways and profess their undying love for you. It sounds great, but life isn’t a movie.

Your ex isn’t going to come back apologetic, telling you how wrong they were.

How I Know the Truth

I know this one is true because I used to do it all the time when I was younger. I was too naïve to see it then. If I could get closure, it would give me another opportunity to talk to my ex. In my mind, talking was better than not talking.

I could squeeze my way back in like a slick salesman if we could talk.

It always ended with me continuing to chase someone who was moving on. Seeking closure only ever prolonged the pain I felt. Often, the closure I was seeking wasn’t the grand gesture I wanted. It was just a few words someone would say when things were over.

Those few words were never enough for me.

I needed all the details, which, to be honest, in my weakened state, I couldn’t have handled. Most people want to escape the situation as quickly as possible, so they’ll give you just enough to get things over.

You don’t want to accept it, but the signs were probably there.

Closure Unfolded in Real Time

A crazy thing about closure is it’s likely you already have it. You probably got it in real time while the relationship was slowly dying, and you ignored it.

Your partner probably told you the things they weren’t happy with while they were happening. If not, they at least hinted at them. Did you do anything about what they were saying?

The answer is likely no if things have ended. Think about it. Relationships never end because of one thing. It’s usually a slow buildup of small things. They eventually build up and explode.

What You Want Closure to Bring You

You think it’ll just erase all the pain once you have closure. You’ll have an explanation about what went wrong. Because you feel so bad, you’re starting to think you might be awful. Getting closure will clear that up, right?

Nobody wants to think of themselves as bad people. You can move on if your ex can reassure you that you aren’t bad. It’ll be almost like nothing happened at all. You can go back to being the same old you.

In reality, it never works like that. You end up becoming a nuisance, chasing your ex for closure. Or, even worse, you end up pining for your ex while you should be moving on. You’ll only find what you need in yourself.

The Uncomfortable Reality

This part might hurt. Your ex doesn’t feel bad for making you feel bad. If the break is fresh, your ex doesn’t care about you. Your ex feels relieved because it’s over.

This doesn’t make your ex a horrible person. Remember that things got bad enough for them that they felt it was time to leave. After gathering the courage, they left you for whatever reason.

The last thing they want is you chasing them around. They don’t want you trying to convince them to take you back. They aren’t going to see any of the wrong things they did. It’s human nature. They want to move on in peace.

If you think your ex did you wrong, they will unlikely believe they did, even if they did. And that’s okay because you don’t need them to. You don’t need them to heal and move on at all.

How to Find Closure

Closure doesn’t come from other people. You have to make it happen internally. It’s not going to come quickly because your emotions are too raw. Time and space will help put things in perspective.

Allow things to settle so you can think and react without emotion. As long as harsh emotions cloud things, you aren’t ready. You will find closure once you accept that relationships take two people.

You both played a part. There could be a million reasons why things didn’t work. You’ll find your closure when you accept responsibility for your part. Once you’ve accepted that, you can determine your lessons.

Once you have those, you can improve without pointing a finger. You can’t change anything about others, but you can change everything about yourself.

It’s Not All Doom and Gloom

The loose ends of life’s problems rarely tie themselves up. Some things will be left hanging forever, but you don’t have to spend the rest of your life trying to clean them up.

Sometimes, you have to cut your losses. You do it for your mental and emotional health. Running the same ‘what-if’ scenarios in your head will not change things. You’ll never get a chance to relive something in the past.

Instead of focusing on what you want to change about the past, focus on what you can do in the future. The only closure you need is that things are over. You are the only person who determines what that means to you.

Don’t let someone who crushed you have the power to put everything back together. You’re better than that. Don’t give your power away.

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Are you divorced and struggling to pick up the pieces? Not sure where to even start? Get my free Divorce Reboot Guide here.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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