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Fathers in the aftermath of divorce often feel a newfound and unwelcome sense of helplessness. Separated from their children for days or weeks for the first time, they can’t help but wonder if their offspring are worse off because of the situation. This leads to added concern placed on aspects of parenting which previously went under the radar.
However, what can seem like good parenting can, in fact, be overbearing behavior resulting from an urge to overcompensate. Protecting kids post divorce is as much about preventing an excessive approach as it is about focusing on the right issues. Here is a breakdown of how to go about it without overdoing it:
Attention
While children need attention, it’s important for divorced dads to avoid becoming “Disneyland Dads” by accident by lavishing their kids with an abundance of extra affection and adventure. Rather than focus on the needs of your children at every turn and trying to please them at all times, simply make a point to reply swiftly to their texts and calls and commit a few hours to fun when spending time together. Just never allow attention giving to take the place of parenting entirely; give kids room to breathe and the chance to take care of themselves.
Security
Not being under the same roof as your children can lead to built up anxiety regarding their safety. Despite amicable relations with the ex and trusting her selection methods, a new man in the house is often a point of contention regarding a father’s concern for his children’s safety. If you wish to protect your kids, run a simple criminal record search on your ex-wife’s new partner. If it comes back clean, stop worrying unless something triggers a red flag down the road. Anything more than a routine background check easily enters stalking territory.
Health
Are your kids eating right? Are they prevented from spending excessive amounts of time parked on the couch? It’s hard to tell when separated from them for days at a time. Yet health is one of the most important, albeit often overlooked, aspects of successful co-parenting strategies. Failure to calibrate diet and exercise rhythms for children across two households leads to a constant battle at somebody’s house over what’s for dinner, turning one parent into an apparent villain. Note: this is a two-way road: if their mother is advising you on better health habits at home, don’t simply shrug them off and opt for the drive-thru.
Exposure
With the internet in just about everybody’s pocket these days thanks to smartphones, it can seem impossible to effectively control what our children can and can’t see. Add in the lack of oversight possible due to living in separate homes and it’s easy to see why divorced fathers can get concerned. Again, refer to the basics of successful co-parenting when determining what kids can and cannot be exposed to at their age. Fathers may be asked to cut down on the amount of violent television they allow their children to consume, meanwhile it may behoove mom to better restrict social media access.
It may seem like being away from your children for extended periods of time makes them more vulnerable. The urge to protect our offspring is perhaps the single most powerful construct of cognitive thought – and therefore is nothing to challenge. With that said, post-divorce dads can often overcompensate for a seeming lack of influence, but rest assured things are unlikely to be as dangerous as they seem for your kids. Simply abiding by moderation and engaging in respectful and productive co-parenting is often enough to keep your kids safe.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
I think is a good idea to search the criminal records of new parteners
This is at least or even more applicable to divorced moms as it is to divorced dads.