Psychological Manipulations in Relationships

The word manipulation comes from the Latin word word manus, which translates to hand.

The primary meaning of this word is handshake, but over time it has become established as a term for events in which we lead another person to actions that serve our personal benefit — people manipulate others to get what they want.

Why do people manipulate others?

Manipulation can be carried out for various motivations.

People may feel the need to punish, control, or dominate their partner. Sometimes they seek pity or attention or have other selfish motives.
Many often try to change their partner for selfish reasons, in a way that only suits them, to satisfy their personal needs. A relationship with a manipulator drains energy, affects self-confidence, causes disorientation, and can lead to a submissive position in the relationship, which is indeed the ultimate goal of every manipulator.

Some manipulative tactics are obvious and easy to recognize, but the trouble arises when they are subtle and gradual, so the victim doesn’t realize what is happening to them. By the time they understand that they feel drained, they may already be deeply entangled in a “spider’s web,” subjugated or in a completely dependent position in relation to their partner, and they don’t know how to exit the relationship.
In the following text, familiarize yourself with the common strategies of manipulators and learn how to recognize and avoid them in future relationships.

Common manipulation strategies

As we have already mentioned, recognizing manipulation can be a very complicated and lengthy process.

However, there are several indicators through which you can recognize common manipulation strategies. If you recognize several of the following interactions in your relationship, it may be a sign that your partner is manipulating you:
Emotional blackmail — “If you love me, then you will do this and that.”
False apologies that are actually veiled accusations — “I’m sorry you got upset because I didn’t show up for lunch at your place; I thought you would be more understanding of how tired I’ve been these days.”
Holding onto uncertainty — Often, until the very last moment, you don’t know if you’re going on vacation together, if you’re going out for dinner on Saturday night, and if your partner will “manage” to do what they promised.
Constantly shifting blame through accusations — “You made me feel miserable again,” “It’s your fault I don’t have a career,” “Because of you, I’m depressed,” “Look how much you provoked me to lose my temper in public.”
Criticism and disapproval — A systematic undermining of your self-confidence. Nothing you do, decide, or say feels good enough; you don’t feel like you have your partner’s support.
Exaggerating personal problems as a tactic to constantly “worry about them” — Crying and lamenting. They often play on your sympathy and exaggerate or even invent problems.
Threats and ultimatums — “If you don’t do this and that, I will leave.” or “If you do that, I can’t guarantee my actions.”
“Silent treatment” or sulking — They do not express their feelings clearly, but punish their partner by ignoring them, showing coldness, and using passive aggression.
“Gaslighting” is when a person claims that you said something you didn’t or that you didn’t say something you did. Lying and twisting your words to the point where you start to doubt your own sanity.

Negative answers to the following questions can help you more easily identify a manipulative partner:

Am I being treated with genuine respect?
Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?
Is giving in this relationship primarily one-sided or mutual?
Do I feel good in this relationship?
Your answers to these questions provide you with important clues about whether the problem lies with you or with the other person.
What are the consequences of manipulation?
Manipulation harms relationships, especially those that are intimate, but at the same time, it can lead to a severe disruption of an individual’s self-confidence. If your partner is manipulating you, you might feel:

A constant need to defend yourself;
A feeling of guilt or shame;
Lack of security in marriage/relationship;
Lack of trust in a partner;
A serious feeling of self-doubt, low self-esteem;
The feeling of dependency in a relationship.
A frequent need to apologize, even when you believe you haven’t done anything wrong;
Negative feelings such as dissatisfaction, hurt, bitterness, anger, and frustration;
Overall dissatisfaction with the relationship.

If you suspect that your partner is a manipulator, it is very important for you to develop certain defense strategies in order to protect your mental health.

Manipulative behavior is often associated with borderline, narcissistic, or antisocial types of adaptation with a borderline organization, but it is interesting that dependent or paranoid types are often found in the category of manipulators as well.

Therefore, it is important to protect yourself from such behavior in an appropriate manner, and some of the following tactics for dealing with a manipulator can help you with that.

#1 Recognize the exact moment when you are being manipulated.

The first piece of advice concerns “catching in the act.” If you manage to react immediately to the manipulation and confront your partner, you reduce the chances of them making arbitrary interpretations of what was said, and entangling you once again in a vicious cycle.

#2 Shift the focus to the manipulator by asking probing questions.

It is inevitable that psychological manipulators will make demands of you. These “demands” often make you cater to their needs, neglecting your own desires.

When you hear unreasonable demands, it can sometimes be helpful to refocus on the manipulator by asking a few probing questions to see if they have enough self-awareness to recognize the unfairness of their suggestions. Such are, for example:

“Does this seem reasonable to you?”

“Does what you want from me sound fair?”

“Do I have the right to vote, can I say something about this?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“What do I get out of this?”

“Do you really expect to (repeat the unfair demand)?”

When you ask such questions, you hold up a symbolic mirror, allowing the manipulator to see the true nature of their trick. If a manipulator has a certain level of self-awareness, they will likely halt the request and withdraw.

On the other hand, true pathological manipulators (like narcissists with borderline personality organization) will dismiss your questions and insist that things go their way.

If that happens, apply the ideas from the following tips to maintain your position of power and stop manipulation.

#3 Delay the reaction.

If you are upset in the moment and cannot assess whether it’s better to say “no” right away, you have the right to say “I’ll think about this” or “let’s talk about this tomorrow.”

#4 Learn to say “no” without feeling guilty.

If you manage to politely and adequately explain why you don’t want to do something, you will set your boundaries, and the other person won’t be able to dispute that except through obvious disrespect.

#5 Confront bullies, but in a safe way.

A psychological manipulator also becomes an abuser when they intimidate or harm another person. The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they target those they perceive as weaker, so as long as you remain passive and submissive, you present an easy target.

However, many bullies are essentially cowards. When their targets start to “show their teeth” and stand up for their rights, the bully will often back down. It is the same in schoolyards, as well as in home and office environments. Studies show that many bullies are themselves victims of violence.

This in no way justifies violent behavior, but it can help you consider the perpetrator in a different light. Therefore, when you confront bullies, make sure you are in a position where you can safely protect yourself, either on your own or with the help of others who will be witnesses and support. It is also advisable to keep a written record of the inappropriate behavior of the bully.

In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counselors, lawyers, law enforcement, or administrative personnel. It is important to stand up to bullies, but know that you don’t have to (and often shouldn’t) do it alone.

#6 Present him with the consequences of his behavior.

When a psychological manipulator insists on violating your boundaries and refuses to accept “no” as an answer, present them with the consequence of their behavior.

The ability to recognize and determine consequences is one of the most important skills that can help you “step away” from a difficult person. Effectively articulated, the consequence compels the manipulator to shift from violation to compliance.

#7 Don’t lie to yourself.

If you have concluded, based on everything you’ve read, that your partner (or you) is a manipulator, do not justify either him or yourself with the story that there is a “great love” behind it all.

Behind manipulation lies a deeply rooted insecurity, a lack of authentic self-love, and a chronic deficiency of prosocial emotions (a sense of morality).

Know what your basic human rights are and recognize when someone is violating them.

· That they treat you with respect;

· To express your feelings and desires;

· That you have an opinion different from others;

· That you have your priorities;

· To say “no” without feeling guilty;

You get what you pay for.

– To take care of yourself and protect yourself from physical, mental, or emotional threats;

May you have a happy and healthy life.

These fundamental human rights represent your boundaries, which exist precisely to protect you.

In the end, we must also note that individuals who have a stable and healthy self-image are rarely targets of manipulators. The reason for this lies in their ability to view life through their own (rather than others’) values; they know how to take a stand and say “no” when something doesn’t suit them without feeling guilty.