Race, Dating, Sex and Marriage

Do children care about race? Innocent and free, unless they are otherwise coached by adults, they play happily together.

Does God care about race? If you believe in a deity, why would you think He’s made a mistake in creating different types of people?

Yet race continues to play a role in society and how we treat each other. It’s ridiculous but it’s unfortunately part of reality.

When I was in graduate school, I dated a man who was in love with me. He came from a wealthy family, which was a problem. Why was it a problem, you may ask. It was because he would have lost his inheritance if he married me, because his parents made it very clear he needed to marry a white woman if he wanted to be in their will.

You see, he wasn’t a racist, he was a coward. Which is worse?

He had friends of other races, ran a company which hired people of all races, and he fell in love with me. But when it came time to introduce me to his parents, he chickened out.

It’s not that I even wanted to marry him. But when he brought it up in that context… well, I couldn’t be with him any longer.

At the core — his position was racist.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that attraction is personal

Some men really go nuts over blonds. Some women are attracted to the Latin lover type. Most of us, men and women, do have certain attributes that we are turned on by. It’s just how we are hard-wired.

And, honestly, that is OK.

I say this as someone of Indian heritage. Not everyone finds my particular set of genetic traits attractive. Others find them fabulous. It’s all good. I don’t define my self-worth by these things, and, honestly, I have my type as well.

All that being said — why would anyone consciously remove whole categories of human beings from consideration? It’s hard enough to find love without dragging race into it.

What is even worse is when people criticize others for the choosing someone of the “wrong race”. How is it anyone else’s business? If a black woman (or man) finds a loving, meaningful connection outside of her (or his) race — why does anyone else care? If anything, be happy for them.

It’s not just white people who are guilty.

In graduate school, had a black officemate from Jamaica. She was beautiful, super-smart, funny, and very poised. Many men had a crush on her. She was particularly good friends with one of them, a white man. He shared her unique sense of humor and they were always bantering.

So one time when she was complaining about her love life, I asked her why she didn’t date him.

“Do you know what would happen if I brought a white boy home to my mother?” she asked me.

There it was. Plain as black and white, if you’ll excuse the word play.

Of course, it’s not just black and white, either. My parents made it clear they would have preferred me to marry a nice Indian doctor. But unlike that guy I dated in graduate school, I made it clear to my parents that race played no role in my relationships. I’d played with all hues as a child, had co-workers and friends from all over the world… why would I restrict my love life?

Of course, there are also degrees of racism.

There are men who might think it’s fine to have a little bit of “brown sugar” but they wouldn’t want her for a girlfriend. Or they might seriously date her, but when marriage came up, they’d opt out.

“How will we raise our children?” they’d ask, as if racial differences form some insurmountable barrier. Perhaps in the 1800s they did, but nowadays? Who even blinks an eye at a mixed-race child? If they do, why would you want to be around them?

The reality is that the heart wants what the heart wants. Life is tough enough without adding racism to the mix.

If you see a mixed-race couple that is really in love — be happy for them. If you can’t, at least have the decency to keep your mouth shut.

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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.

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