People are looking for “something” that they are not willing to go through hell and high water to get. Many people rationalize and minimize the value of engaging in long-term healthy relationships probably because there seems to be so few out their to draw hope from. But unless you are resigned to live a jaded and cynical life in denial of the great significance of this “something” you will have to come to terms with a certain concept I am labeling “Radical Commitment.
Relationships success is less about finding the right person, and more about recognizing that person when you find them. Even people who have been married 2 and 3 times, should be warry when they write-off their previous relationships as mistakes. Understandably, we have to rationalize our decisions in the past in order to justify why this one is the “right” one. However, we should be clear that those past experiences may have served a useful purpose in raising our awareness to the lessons we needed to learn in order to have a perspective that could even attract and recognize the person they now find themselves happily married to.
I say all this to make the point that when you run into frustration in your relationship you are more than likely running into your “self.” A self-examined life is always better than one in which circumstances need to knock you on your butt to wake-up. Most great and satisfying relationships had periods of significant ups and downs. Many of the downs in these epic stories lasted years but the couple continued on the journey. Their’s are examples that seem far fetched for many people today, but is it really out of reach? Perhaps we are just not aware enough of our own need to grow and engage the relationship with a perspect that forces us to wake up. Thus the need for “Radical Commitment.”
Putting It Together
Baking a cake comes down to a few essential ingredients. You take flour, eggs, baking powder, salt, sugar, etc. and mix it up, pour it in a cake pan then bake it in an oven. However, all of the ingredients mixed together do not make a cake. You have to bake it in an oven for not too long and not too short. The same is true for relationships. Admit it; you are looking for the right ingredients or steps to apply to your relationship to produce “The Love You Want,” or “Strengthen Your Marriage,” or “Re-ignite Romance.”
There is no shortage of self-help gurus and bloggers out there to provide new spins on conventional wisdom. Perhaps I am one of them myself. Blogs writers conveniently package their thoughts in “5 Steps” or “10 Ways.” If you do a Google search on “how to help your relationship,” you will be delivered a page of options, all offering 10 and 12 tips that you should be doing. As with all conventional wisdom, there are elements of truth embedded in it. These experts suggest behaviors that are undeniably good or healthy and may very well be evidence of a healthy relationship to ignite feelings of romance. But just like a cake, a relationship is not just a set of right ingredients.
There may be someone out there, and if there is, I would like to talk to them, saying, “Man, you know what? I read these ten tips for creating romance in Men’s Health Magazine, which really revolutionized my relationship. Me and my girlfriend are so much closer.”
I am willing to bet that no one on earth has ever said that, and if they did at one time, they don’t believe it now. I am in no way suggesting that demonstrating love in kind ways or taking a new course of action does not stimulate a positive response and evoke romance between two people in many cases. Of course, there is wisdom in treating someone you love with kind gestures and words. In some way, the conventional wisdom crowd is correct in their suggestions.
As a couples counselor, I start early in my sessions to identify ways that each partner experiences love and instruct the other to provide some of these specific acts unconditionally and daily. It’s a Five Love Languages framework and is very useful. Inevitably when done intentionally, feelings of closeness are produced. However, the sparks of closeness that can potentially produce lasting romance are fleeting sensations if they are not built upon a radical commitment.
The Missing Ingredient
Radical commitment is what all the peddlers of conventional wisdom leave out of their blog writings. It is hard to explain and even more difficult to conceptualize for those burned out by there current relationship. This is because radical commitment is selling out for the relationship without a guarantee of results. It is faith in action, which is undone when our effort is not rooted in meaning, both related to our partner’s need for love and our need for growth. Radical commitment is investing your life savings without guarantee of a return on that investment. In other words, it is RISKY. Ask anyone who has stayed married for 20 plus years. They will tell you of horrible times that many would have divorced over.
People who have found the value of radical commitment to be true were those who found out that the value of their relationship was not about how it could make them happy. They found out it was all about them and their personal growth. The relationship produced a struggle within them. Instead of placing the problem on the other person or the relationship, they found a more profound connection of personal meaning to themselves, which changed everything. They figured it out whether they noticed this in retrospect or became actively aware of it at the times of struggle.
Vulnerability
Emotional risk is something that the human brain struggles with because it requires vulnerability. Vulnerability goes against familiarity, which, according to family therapist Virginia Satir, is an even greater human drive than survival itself. Think about it, so much of our sense of safety and survival is based on familiarity. I have beaten this topic to death in previous posts, but understanding how we are operating from this drive can change our perspective.
Childhood wounds, some of which we are not aware of, have created open sores that we gingerly live to avoid experiencing. These wounds live in a place in our soul that houses not only all of our past pains but also our real potential for happiness and self-actualization. Yet we live lives of “familiar” habit and push away those that do not fit in our perspective or threaten our sense of familiarity and comfort. If we are actually going to achieve healthy intimate relationships, we will have to open the door and commit ourselves to face the scars of the past. That’s just the fact, and it’s a truth that all happy sustained relationships have realized.
Most people would rather interpret their feelings based on current triggers in the environment. Take Bob and Julie. Bob seems to do whatever he wants and goes about his day making plans. Julie challenges him and gets upset because he doesn’t ask her first. Bob thinks Julie is controlling. Julie thinks Bob is a selfish narcissist. Oh, by the way, Julie was abandoned by her father, and her mother was always stressed out. Do you think that abandonment has anything to do with how Julie feels? Do you think Bob’s strict and controlling mother has anything to do with why he is avoiding Julie?
The Wrong Perspective or The Wrong Person?
In their current framework, the trigger is the problem causing the feelings. What if we are to look at this differently? What if the pain is already there, but the trigger is merely that, a neutral trigger, bringing to the surface what is already there. This twist makes me accountable for my own feelings, which makes me face the hurts of the past, which I have naturally worked to avoid. However, to create a satisfying connection with another human being, I am going to have to be willing to face my wounds. This is going to require radical commitment.
Only radical commitment will keep me in the fight and help me withstand the discomfort of the past. Only radical commitment locks me in a room with no doors and no windows and forces me to find a solution. Without radical commitment, I am allowed to say that this person is causing my pain and therefore give myself the excuse to be selfish and/or leave the relationship. Many people come to therapy, arguing that they feel they are entitled to be loved a certain way. Angry and resentful, they bitterly say that their partner is not the right one. After further evaluation, we find that the contrary is true. Most good matches actually come with more triggering experiences. When we find out the source of the emotional fuel that is being sparked by the trigger, we are on our way to healing ourselves and thus the relationship.
So next time you feel slightly unhappy with your relationship and question its value in your life, take a few minutes to think introspectively and question your own commitment. You will come to one of two answers: one is that you are sold out to the relationship and ready to do whatever it takes or the other being that you are not quite prepared to face your own issues and that this relationship is hitting soft spots that you aren’t prepared to deal with: either way, its not the other person’s problem, it’s yours. If you come to the later conclusion, then I would say enjoy your lonely unfruitful attempts to experience depth and real love. On the other hand, if you are sold out, there is no shortage of ingredients and great recipes out there for you to bake a great cake with.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Elijah Hiett on Unsplash