If you’re reading this we both know, it’s time for something (much much) better. For once, let’s not sit here and suffer. We can beat them to happiness. By them I mean the person we love so much that is currently causing our state of unhappiness.
Here is how.
Wehave all been there. In fact, I am ‘there’ right now: the person I was with and still kind of want, sucks. I’m still too stuck on them to cut off all communication for good (but by all means if you aren’t, please do so) but also not stuck enough to keep the door closed, you decide it’s time to open the door to dating. Or at least the window, with an emergency button to immediately shut it in case out there there is a shitstorm.
1. Inform your friends:
Informing your friends that you are once again single and looking is a great first step because:
a. It holds you accountable — aka you will look like a moron if you once again decide to go back and give it another go with the person who is currently not doing enough to love and keep you.
b. They may know someone who could be right for you — meeting someone who has been pre-vetted is amazing. You are skipping the hunting step and enjoying the love of the friends who are selecting your potential partner.
c. Get out of the house and do stuff you’re not currently doing with your friends — aka gallery openings, creative workshops, excursions, hiking, sports…anything that will take you out of your routine
2. Sign up for random events
You may feel like you just want to go home, Netflix & chill. Sorry. We don’t have that luxury. Your partner will likely not be knocking on your door out of the blue to check if you want to marry them. You need to get out of the house.
Does the city you live in/closest city to you hold events? If it does, this is the time to get out.
For example, in London we have Eventbrite. This month I signed up to ‘Neuroscience of Dreams’, a jazz concert, a business networking event and a gallery opening. I bough two tickets to each event and will cast the events depending on available friends.
You never know who you are going to meet.
3. Sports
The gym, my friends. Tennis, cycling, dancing.
Sign up for a new gym, go to their socials, ask people for help on your routine. Sign up for a tennis club and attend their meeting events.
Sign up for a taster class to a couple of salsa courses and go meet the people who are there. You may meet an amazing partner or you may simply meet new friends, who will give you access to a new network of people, who may lead you to someone you actually like.
Also, it will get your mind off of all negative thoughts.
4. Charity
You’re looking for a kind person. You want a partner who cares about people, about society so go and do something that will help others while you are helping yourself.
This could be the very best, most rewarding activity on your to-do-list and simultaneously the chance you were looking for to meet a person worthy of your love.
5. Dating apps
I know, my friends, I know.
For this factor only I literally want to go run back to my shit ex.
Dating apps suck, my friends, but not for everyone. Before you sign on please keep the following in mind:
a. Most of the people on the apps, the ones who are not only looking for random sex, are dreading this as much as you are. No one really wants to be on a F&%$%G app!!!
b. You can get off of it any time.
c. Don’t waste your time on long chats, after you assess that it could be someone nice, go have that coffee in person.
d. When you’re about to message your ex, defer your attention to randos. Sorry — randos. Use this app to your advantage for once, you don’t need to be writing to your past when your future could be at hand.
e. If the app stresses you out, get off of it or freeze it right away. Don’t wait for it to suck the living energy out of you.
f. Don’t look for stupid excuses not to do it. Grow some balls. I see you. We all hate it. Let’s at least try. You don’t want to get on it because it will discredit you professionally? I call BS. You are just not putting yourself out there. Sorry, my friends, it not romantic I know. I am such a romantic human yet once in a while I just get on these shit apps and just double check if by any chance I am lucky and meet someone worthy. After all, I am on it, my brother who is amazing and a real catch and likewise his current wife have been on it…certainly other amazing professionals are on it too.
Don’t put your wellbeing at jeopardy, take care of yourself.
We all know how damaging to our soul it is to go out there and put our heart on the line once again while it’s still shattered in pieces and bleeding a bit from the person who is currently standing next to it and holding a knife in their hand.
Do you really need to keep trying? Are you not sick and tired and ready for someone who actually cares about how you are doing? For someone who considers you a priority? For someone who is so honored to have their heart so close by and invested in them that they hold it on the palm of their hands?
I believe we are all worthy of love and of happiness.
A few key things before heading back out there into the wild:
- Take care of your heart. Listen to yourself, if you feel like you are in pain, like you need a bit of time on your own, if you need to rest or a massage, please do so.
- Take small steps. You do not need to rush into anything new. In fact, don’t even go into this with this frame of mind. Go out there just to prove to yourself that there are wonderful people out there who have your wellbeing at heart.
- Be authentic and direct. Tell anyone that you will be potentially dating what you need, who you are, what you want. Being inauthentic will completely steal all of your living energy. You want someone who will love you exactly for who you are. Choose yourself. Choose someone who wants you just like this.
- Keep working on yourself. Having psychological support is an amazing way to keep in check, to make sense of what is happening and also a way not to throw old crap onto a new partner. If the last relationship didn’t work, check what needs to happen for the next to be amazing.
- Finally, choose wisely. Make a beautiful list of what you are looking for. Don’t focus so much on the height and looks, rather on how you want to feel, on what version of you needs to come out for your to be happy. Read this list every day for 21 days, according to the hypnotherapy method, that’s how long it takes for the cells in our blood to regenerate.
You have a chance to build a whole new life, with someone who can truly contribute to your own inner happiness, who can be there for you through sun and rain.
On my birthday message to my friends I wrote this:
Forever grateful for everyone who walked alongside me through all the ups and downs, who brought sun where there was rain or sat with me in the puddle until I was able to get back up.
In truth, a part of me wrote it so that He would read it and feel how far away he was from this, but I wish it for all of us. I wish us all to be with someone who allows us to be ourselves and accepts us even when we are struggling with life a little bit.
With much love, let’s head on this journey together. Worst case, let’s meet here with a glass of wine and tragic stories we will laugh at once we find our wonderful partner.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com