Bettina Goodwin investigates the age-old adage that “real men” don’t cry.
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I’ve worked with a lot of men over the years and my husband often teases me that my tag line should be “I make grown men cry.” It’s true, kind of. Most of the men I have helped have sat in my office at one time or another and cried because of the types of questions I ask that lead them to the truth of what they’re withholding from themselves.
They apologize for the unexpected display of emotions, but for me there is no forgiveness necessary. I’m quite happy for them to finally be able to let years of uncried tears come to the surface along with emotions that they have been suppressing and denying. After all, they come to see me because they are unhappy in their lives and they want to learn how to let go of old wounds that keep them stuck.
And what better way than for them to feel safe enough to shed some tears as they delve into the stuff they hold on to that holds them back in their lives both personally and professionally.
Many men have been raised using old-fashioned standards that dictate “big boys don’t cry,” “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” “buck up” or “power through.” They grow up believing that in order to be a “real man” they should not show any sign of weakness or they’ll be destroyed by their contemporaries.
Imagine how many men are walking around today with problems that range from inability to share intimacy to fear of commitment and anything in between because they have been afraid shed those tears.
… it is healthy to allow emotions to come to the surface to be acknowledged and released.
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Now, I’m not saying that men should be moved to tears at every cute little kitten or mishap at work. But what I am saying is that it is healthy to allow emotions to come to the surface to be acknowledged and released. Whether it is in private or with someone they trust and with whom they feel safe. Not doing so creates a multitude of problems down the road, not limited to emotional issues but also, eventually affecting physical and mental health as well.
The ability to express emotions is not a weakness. Anyone who has done so knows how much courage it takes to embrace and share their vulnerability. And the depth of intimacy that can develop in a relationship where partners can share their vulnerability is amazing.
One of the times I felt the closest and most intimate with my husband was holding him as his tears came, washing away the old wounds and pain of the past that he’d suppressed. Afterwards there was a lightness and freedom about him that was so obvious, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who noticed the change. Our relationship grew deeper from the experience and the trust between us became stronger as well.
Fear of intimacy comes from avoidance of showing vulnerability and contributes to the inability to grow and expand in relating to yourself and others both in private and professional life.
If you find yourself stuck in a place of mediocrity, check in honestly with your emotional status. You may discover there is a lot that needs to come to the surface to make room for the recognition of your greatness.
Real men do cry and it doesn’t carry the shame that many have learned it did while growing up. In fact, having a good cry can bring you a freedom you’ve never known before within yourself and your relationships.
[image: Kat N.L.M. on flickr]
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Read more Good for the Soul. Redefining the discussion on men and spirituality.
I agree. This is a great start to making the lives of men better.
The next step: getting men to laugh at ALL statements about “what real men do.” Getting beyond stupid socially defined concepts like “real man” in the first place.